Operator Jokes
151 operator jokes and hilarious operator puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about operator that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have some laughs with these hilarious jokes about crane, heavy equipment, equipment, telephone, excavator, 911, forklift, dozer operators and telecom dispatchers. From hilarious dials to hilarious questions and answers - these jokes are sure to make everyone smile. So take a break, relax, and let the laughter begin!
Quick Jump To
- Short Operator Jokes
- Operator One Liners
- 911 Operator Jokes
- Machine Operator Jokes
- Telegraph Operator Jokes
- Elevator Operator Jokes
- Crane Operator Jokes
- More Operator Jokes
Funniest Operator Short Jokes
Short operator jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The operator humour may include short operate jokes also.
- What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital? I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
- What's the most common operation in a lego hospital? Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke] - Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
- McDonald's has paused operations in Russia. They've successfully established a No Fry Zone.
- My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- McDonalds has decided to close all operations in Russia They're calling it a "no fry" zone.
- What's the difference between Taxes and Texas? Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
- What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US air force Operator.
- Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... "What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.
"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.
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Operator One Liners
Which operator one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with operator? I can suggest the ones about combo and pointer.
- Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan
- Life is like a helicopter I have no idea how to operate a helicopter
- What do you call the game Operation without the batteries? Autopsy
- Dogs can't operate MRI scanners... But catscan
- What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man? Addadictomy.
- Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus? Because he'd urn-ed it.
- What operating system does Varys have on his computer? Unix
- I heard dogs can't operate an MRI But catscan
- What's is a Frenchman's favorite operating system? Microissant
- dogs aren't smart enough to operate mri machines but catscan
- What frequency do police radios operate on? 100 niggahurts
- Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals. He was braking bad.
- How do CIA operatives get their children to go to sleep? They make up a cover story.
- Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
- What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.
911 Operator Jokes
Here is a list of funny 911 operator jokes and even better 911 operator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy calls 911 "Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
"No it's her husband you idiot!" - Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
- 911, what is your emergency? Help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!
The ugly one is winning! - Operator: "911 what's your emergency?" Person: "Mariah Carey just bombed Times Square."
- She tied me up and had her way with me. 911 OPERATOR: Do you wanna press charges?
No, I just wanted to brag about it to somebody. - On an application form I was filling out was the question, "Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?" I wrote, "The 911 operator."
- Alicia Keys called 911 Operator: Yes ma'am what's your emergency?
Alicia: *My house is on fiyyyyaaaaaaaaaa* - 911 what's your emergency? Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband. - My boyfriend called 911 Operator: 911, what's the problem?
BF:sigh nothing, I'm fine.. - A teenager got s**... in well. He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.
Machine Operator Jokes
Here is a list of funny machine operator jokes and even better machine operator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
- Dogs cant operate an MRI machine but cat scan
- The machine we use to weigh heavy machinery broke today and we had to call in specialists from all over the world to fix it It was a large scale operation
- Every machine is a smoke machine... If you operate it wrong enough.
- What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine? "Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.
But toucan." - Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines? Apparently cats can.
- Dogs can't operate an MRI machine Catscan
- I've been operating the same tunnel-digging machine for years... ...it was boring when I started, and it's still boring now.
- i once turned down a job as a fog machine operator it was a mist opportunity
- She: why do we never have s**... when you're drunk? He: Cause I'm not allowed to operate heavy machines,
Telegraph Operator Jokes
Here is a list of funny telegraph operator jokes and even better telegraph operator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Telegraph Operators once complained to Morse how some of his codes were confusing and needs to be revised. But he had no remorse.
- How do telegraph operators apologize? Remorse code
- I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again. He had a lot of remorse about that.
- What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again? Remorse.
- I've been told the telegraph operator who repeats himself Has re-morse.
Elevator Operator Jokes
Here is a list of funny elevator operator jokes and even better elevator operator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator. We speak to eachother on so many different levels.
- Why did the accordion teacher get a job as an elevator operator? He knew how to push all the right buttons.
- Why do elevator operators hate Scott Stapp from Creed? He keeps asking them if they can take him higher.
- As I got out on the 21st floor, the elevator operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Son? You're not my dad!" I replied.
"No, but I brought you up, didn't I." - I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down I guess being an elevator operator isn't my forte
- Elevator operator seems like a decent career field Heard there's a lot of room to move up
- Was speaking to an elevator operator the other day, asked him how he enjoyed his line of work. He says "Oh, it has its ups and downs."
- Every job has its ups and downs... says the elevator operator quite literally
- I like my women as I like my elevator operator Nice and smiling
- Why are elevator operators bipolar? Their life always seems to be just up and down.
Crane Operator Jokes
Here is a list of funny crane operator jokes and even better crane operator puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you heard the one about the woman who was saved from a river by a crane operator? It's an uplifting story
- What's the best job? Any job that involves operating a crane. It's seriously uplifting.
- Life is like operating a crane. Early on, you figure out how to make it up to the controls... Only to realize you have no clue what to do once you get there.
- Why do crane operators seem to always get dates? They have the strongest pick up lines.
- How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? 3.
One to unscrew the light bulb and screw a new one on
another one to operate the crane
and a third one to say when the chicken is ready. - Talking to the crane operator like... "Do You Even Lift!?"
Cheerful Fun Operator Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about operator you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean helper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make operator pranks.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
So a guy wakes up in the middle of an operation
He screams and says to the doctor "What are you doing, don't do that." The doctor says "Fine, suture self."
Two hunters
Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
911?
Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."
I made this joke!
One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
In a hospital
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
Telegraph
A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:
"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"
The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"
The dog then says "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.
I have half a mind to tell him so.
A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.
The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"
The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"
A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...
I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for s**...
I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.
Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911
"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
An english boat is sinking near the German coast
The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".
The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"
A lawyer had just undergone surgery
...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
Doctor of death!
Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.
Pain.
Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…
What operation are you having done?
Getting my tonsils out, what about you?
Circumcision
Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street
I used to be a phone s**... operator,
But I got hearing aids.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
My friends and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It's a small scale operation.
I'm such a bad train operator, I can't even remember how many trains I've derailed.
It's hard to keep track.
You've got to hand it to Trump, he defeated ISIS...
...they gave up operations after Trump shows he can kill more Americans than they ever could.
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."
An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car
Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.
A lawyer wakes up after surgery
He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....
How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
Ever since I went through with my s**... change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me
It's like I'm transparent.
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.
Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.
Doctor- I am.
Four Surgeons are getting coffee
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their a**... are interchangeable."
How many Buzzfeed employees does it take to operate an electric chair?
10, but 4 will shock you.
A couple of Blondes are out in the woods hunting.......
When one of them falls to the ground and her eyes close. The other blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, Help! Help! My friend Holly is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm voice, says, Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure she's really dead.
After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the blonde's voice comes back on the line. OK, now what?
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
If There's h**... Below …
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?
After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.
I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
911, whats your emergency?
Operator:
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that out for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over to pine street and call right back.
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
A man witnesses an accident and calls 911.
Operator: 911, what's your
emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I
need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for
me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over to
Pine street and call right back.
There's a hotel that still has an elevator operator, to prevent people from doing graffiti in it, or kids from jumping in it.
A man who's on vacation talks to the elevator guy whenever he rides the elevator, and they get to know each other pretty well.
When he's leaving the hotel at the end of his vacation, the elevator operator notices his suitcases and says "Goodbye son" and the man replies "you're not my father" and the elevator operator says "no, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A dog walks into a telegraph office
He says to the operator take a message.
"Bark bark bark, bark bark bark, bark bark; bark."
The operator says "You could send ten barks for the same price."
The dog replies "Well then it wouldn't make any sense."
