operation Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious operation puns

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

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My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

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Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

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A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

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Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

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Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…



What operation are you having done?

Getting my tonsils out, what about you?

Circumcision

Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year

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So a guy wakes up in the middle of an operation

He screams and says to the doctor "What are you doing, don't do that." The doctor says "Fine, suture self."

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My rabbi told me this one.

An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.

Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.

The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."

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Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!

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Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swaller? The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, Ya know, I heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!

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Two Hillbillies in a Restaurant

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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A husband and wife are in a car crash

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the crash and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.

The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."

The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"

And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.

A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"

"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."
The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the Shit!"

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged

The highly unusual and somewhat risky procedure, known as an elephantaplasm, involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk on to the end of the patient's member.

The operation, however, was apparently a success. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to celebrate at a very fancy restaurant.

To his horror, after preliminary cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend was startled and exclaimed, What was that?

Suddenly, the penis reappeared, took another bread roll and just as quickly shot back under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend sat in stunned silence for a moment, then finally said, I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw . . . can you do that again?

The man smiled uncomfortably and replied, I'd like to, unfortunately I don't think my arse can take another crusty roll.

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Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

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The Operation

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

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In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

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What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

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A man approaching his fiftieth birthday
decides to have a facelift.

He spends $5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes.
Before leaving, he says to the vendor, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

About thirty-five, is the reply.

I'm actually forty-nine, the man replies smugly, feeling really good about himself.

After that he goes into a Starbucks for a coffee and asks the young girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply is, Oh you look about twenty-nine.

I am actually forty-nine. By now he's feeling fantastic.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks a really old woman the same question. She replies, I am ninety years old and my eyesight
is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there is no one around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants. The old lady rummages around for ten minutes and says: Okay, it's done. You are forty-nine.

The man is stunned. That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old lady replies, I was standing behind you in Starbucks.

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A woman sees an ad for labioplasty in the paper...

... So she she decides to get the operation, so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth.

After the operation, she wakes up with three roses on her chest.

Curious, she asks the nurse, "who are the roses from?"

"Well," says the nurse, "The first rose is from your husband. He wanted to thank you for undergoing the operation, and he said he's looking forward to enjoying the results."

"and the second rose?" asks the woman.

"That's from the surgeon," replied the nurse, "He noticed that you had taken some extra time to... prepare the area, and wanted to say thank you."

"Well that was very nice of him!" said the woman, "And who is the third rose from?"

"Oh, " said the nurse, "that's from Eddie in the burn ward. He wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

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The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.

I have half a mind to tell him so.

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Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His buddy said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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Two hillbillies and an old lady

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, an old woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

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Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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A lawyer is in the hospital..

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

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What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man?

Addadictomy.

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The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...

It seems it's a sting operation

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Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

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Do not Get Nervous

Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?

Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."

Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?

Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!

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Sunday Afternoon quickie :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

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I woke up in the middle of an operation once.

The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.

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What are the most funny Operation jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Operation? Well, here are the best Operation dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Operation pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes