operation Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious operation puns

Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."
The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the Shit!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His buddy said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swaller? The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, Ya know, I heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

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A really bad, terrible mistake

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. " Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. " Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? " Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. " He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go? " Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... " "CIRCUMCISED! " yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!! "

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A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

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Two Hillbillies in a Restaurant

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer had just undergone surgery

...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

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Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by...

"What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

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Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…



What operation are you having done?

Getting my tonsils out, what about you?

Circumcision

Oh that's bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn't walk for a year

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Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

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Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.

After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.

That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President.

"I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said.

"Aye, nae bother!" said the Scotsman.

"That's an interesting accent you have there. Where are you from?"

"Glasgow," Joe replied.

The President look perplexed. "Glasgow? Sorry, what state is that in?"

"Oh, pretty much the same as New York is now."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man approaching his fiftieth birthday
decides to have a facelift.

He spends $5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes.
Before leaving, he says to the vendor, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

About thirty-five, is the reply.

I'm actually forty-nine, the man replies smugly, feeling really good about himself.

After that he goes into a Starbucks for a coffee and asks the young girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply is, Oh you look about twenty-nine.

I am actually forty-nine. By now he's feeling fantastic.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks a really old woman the same question. She replies, I am ninety years old and my eyesight
is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there is no one around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants. The old lady rummages around for ten minutes and says: Okay, it's done. You are forty-nine.

The man is stunned. That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old lady replies, I was standing behind you in Starbucks.

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Hillbillies out for lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a guy wakes up in the middle of an operation

He screams and says to the doctor "What are you doing, don't do that." The doctor says "Fine, suture self."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My rabbi told me this one.

An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.

Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.

The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."

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Brad and Stephanie decided..

..that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and ask him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled dad asked. "Their son Charlie is standing out on the balcony too," replied the boy.

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An afternoon quickie

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson knew that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. As his parents put their plan into operation, he began his commentary:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt Brown is riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason Smith is on his skate board!"
"Mr. and Mrs. Cooper are having noontime sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony eating a Popsicle."

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Miracle....

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain .

The guy was very adamant and said he wanted to do it.

Next week he goes for surgery. After 5 hours he wakes up. He can see the doctor standing over him looking very worried.

The doctor says I am really sorry, the surgery went terribly wrong, I ended up having to remove your entire brain

The guy looks at him and replies Crickey mate, no worries!


-- as an Ozzy I love telling this to my Irish mates as they get really offended halfway through

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Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and wife are in a car crash

They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the crash and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.

The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."

The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"

And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.

A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"

"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged

The highly unusual and somewhat risky procedure, known as an elephantaplasm, involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk on to the end of the patient's member.

The operation, however, was apparently a success. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to celebrate at a very fancy restaurant.

To his horror, after preliminary cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend was startled and exclaimed, What was that?

Suddenly, the penis reappeared, took another bread roll and just as quickly shot back under the tablecloth.

The girlfriend sat in stunned silence for a moment, then finally said, I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw . . . can you do that again?

The man smiled uncomfortably and replied, I'd like to, unfortunately I don't think my arse can take another crusty roll.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Operation

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

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In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman sees an ad for labioplasty in the paper...

... So she she decides to get the operation, so her husband can enjoy the tightness of her youth.

After the operation, she wakes up with three roses on her chest.

Curious, she asks the nurse, "who are the roses from?"

"Well," says the nurse, "The first rose is from your husband. He wanted to thank you for undergoing the operation, and he said he's looking forward to enjoying the results."

"and the second rose?" asks the woman.

"That's from the surgeon," replied the nurse, "He noticed that you had taken some extra time to... prepare the area, and wanted to say thank you."

"Well that was very nice of him!" said the woman, "And who is the third rose from?"

"Oh, " said the nurse, "that's from Eddie in the burn ward. He wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.

I have half a mind to tell him so.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hillbillies and an old lady

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, an old woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?

A joint operation.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went in to hospital for an operation...

I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said:

"Sure, knock yourself out".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bill,Marla and innocent son

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer is in the hospital..

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the name of the operation to change a woman into a man?

Addadictomy.

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The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...

It seems it's a sting operation

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do not Get Nervous

Ashok: Why did you run away from operation Table ?

Ramesh : The nurse was repeatedly saying- "don't get nervous" ,"don't be afraid.
"Be strong" This is a small operation only."

Ashok : So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid?

Ramesh: She was talking to the surgeon!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sunday Afternoon quickie :D

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is ISIS's favorite mathematical operation?

Square Root.
Anything it is applied to becomes radicalized.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I woke up in the middle of an operation once.

The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Self service in the OR

Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.

So the doctor she asked "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life.

"Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Accident

A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Designated driver?

Yesterday I went out with a few friends. We got into a bar and had a few drinks.

I was over my limit and we call it a night after a few shots.

Surely it wasn't a good idea.

Knowing that I was completely drunk, I've done something that I never done before: I went home by Taxi.

On my way, there was a police operation, but since it was a Taxi they've not asked to stop.

I came home safe and sound, no incidents, no worries at all.

However, I've never drove a taxi before, and still don't know where the fuck I got this one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.

"What's the matter?" the employee asked.

The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"

"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.

The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy tried to give himself a sex change operation.

It didn't look like he was going to do it, but somehow he managed to pull it off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The power of right communication

An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, What is it?'

'Dont be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesnt go well and something happens to me, your mother-in-law will come and live with you'


The Surgery was a great success.

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I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."

"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."

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Whenever my boss asks, "Having fun yet?"

I say, "Are you kidding, this is my Disneyland!"

because my boss is a rat, my co-workers are goofy and this is a Mickey Mouse operation.

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A man is walking down the Vegas strip...

...and he is approached by guy in a threadbare suit, who says, "Please, mister, I really need your help. My wife, she needs an operation, and I was just told today, if she doesn't get it, she's going to die! My dear wife, the love of my life, might die! Please, anything you can give me would help. Anything at all."

The man says "C'mon, man, look around you. How do I know you're not going to take anything I give you and gamble with it?"

The panhandler says, "Oh, I ***got*** gambling money."

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Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead.

He says to the doctor, "I got this red lump. What do you think?"
The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted.
"Bob this is incredible..."
"What is it?! Am I going to be okay?"
"It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazing!"
Bob is getting more nervous
"Give it to me straight" he says
"Well... There is a penis growing from your head"
"A penis?! Cut it off!"
" I can't it's already become a part of your brain, the operation would kill you" the doc explains.
Bob asks "you mean to tell me every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror I'm going to see a penis growing from my forehead...?"
The doc laughs
"Of course not! The balls will cover your eyes!"

Bada bing, my favorite joke courtesy of car talk.

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What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

Strapadictomy.

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Are my .....

A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Patient: Nurse (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) are my testicles black?

Embarrassed young nurse: I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet.

Patient (struggles again to ask): Nurse, Please, Are my testicles black?

Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: There is nothing wrong with them!

Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?

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Steve goes to see his doctor

Steve goes to his doctor for a checkup after a hernia repair. The doctor says to him, "Well Steve, it looks like your operation was a success, everything is looking normal and you should be fully healed in about 6 weeks. However, due to the nature of your condition, you must not lift anything heavier than 5 lbs, due to the risk of damaging the affected area."

Steve looks blankly at him and replies, "Well how on earth am I supposed to take a piss, then?!"

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Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation

* Did he say the right or left leg?

* I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school.

* Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!

* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

* Oh no! I just lost my watch.

* Argh! There go the lights again...

* That's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

* What do you mean you want a divorce?

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I tried to give myself a sex change operation

but I couldn't pull it off.

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What do you call a Nun that has a sex change operation?

A Transistor

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What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

An adadichtomy

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While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.

The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.

The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."

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What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

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Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.

He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.

We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"

Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"

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Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

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I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient's organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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My cousin recently had an operation to become a goose

He's transgander.

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A doctor visits a woman after her operation.

Doctor: "Good day, before I tell you the diagnosis, I would like to ask you a question: Do you have ticklish feet?"
Patient: "Oh yes doctor, I have the awfullest tickle of all time, I barely stand it! But why do you ask?"
Doctor: "Well then I have good news! You no longer have that problem! You are paralyzed from the waist down."

(I know I will burn in hell.)

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A couple wanted to have sex one Sunday afternoon...

They figured the only way they could pull a quickie off with their 10y/o son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to loudly report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan in operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," the boy said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks the the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are fucking."

The couple shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too, " his son replied.

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Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy

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An Englishman wants to transform into an Irish.

He inquires the expert doctor about alternatives.

**Doc**: "We will have to remove the right half of your brain."

**Patient**: "Alright. Let's go through with it."

(The next day, after the procedure...)

**Doc**: "There were serious complications during the operation.

We had to remove your entire brain. There is of course the option of installing a monkey brain."

**Patient**: "Non, non, non. -C'est magnifique!"

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A man is going to the hospital for an operation...

He asks the doctor: "Doc, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"
The doctor says yes.
He then says:"That's good! I couldn't before."

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Why doctors are so expensive

Cindy was having a lot of pain in her stomach, so she went to the doctors to get it looked at. She was told she needed minor surgery to remove a growth, and that the operation would take 15 minutes.

The surgery went well with no complications, but when Cindy was shocked to find out that the bill was $1,000.

She yelled the doctor "Why is this bill so high? The operation only took 15 minutes?"

The doctor says "I'll tell you what, I'll charge you $100 for the cut, and $900 for knowing where to cut"

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April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)

"How's my wife? How's my baby?"

"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."

(Man starts crying)

"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)

(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)

"The fact is your wife died as well."

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Did you hear about the baby that was born without eyelids?

Luckily the doctors were able to graft him a new pair from his foreskin. The operation was a success, however now the baby's a little cockeyed.

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A chicken and a cow decide to go and get a sex change operation...

The operation is successful so they go to the bar to celebrate.
They go to the bar and order some drinks and ask the barman if he wants to know what they'd been up to that day.
The barman replies "Oh god. Not another cock and bull story"

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A pregnant woman got shot by a thief 3 times.

She went to the doctors, and they told her she could have a $45000 operation to get the bullets removed, or the triplets would pee it out when they were older. She was very poor, and decided against the operation.

7 years later, the first kid runs to her and says "Mommy, mommy, a bit of metal came out in my pee-pee last night. " So she says not to worry. Her second kid comes to her a few minutes later and says the same.
When the third kid comes, she says "Was there a bit of metal in your pee-pee last night?"
And the kid says: " No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog. "

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First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!"

Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him.

True story...LOL!

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I had a vasectomy

Two months ago, I had a vasectomy for health reasons and a week after the operation, I was asked by the doctor to produce a sample of my semen for confirmation by the hospital.

When I was walking to the hospital, I realized the lid of the bottle in my pocket was off but still decided to go to the hospital. I told the nurse what happened and she smiled, saying Sorry sir, I think you're going to have to come again .

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A man who was born without eyelids...

...agreed to undergo a revolutionary operation where the missing skin was replaced by foreskin tissue.

He is a lot happier now, although he looks a little cock eyed.

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All states should legalize marijuana and redirect the resulting tax revenues to road repair

We'll call the program "Operation Pot Holes."

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A few years ago I had a vasectomy

A few years ago I had a vasectomy. A few weeks after the procedure I received a letter, accompanied by a sample pot, stating that I needed to provide a sperm sample and bring it in to them to prove the operation worked. At work, later that day, I snuck off to the bathroom and produced my sperm sample into the pot, screwed up the lid, and put the pot in my shirt pocket. The hospital wasn't far so I decided to take the 5 minute run over there on my lunch break. As I arrived at the front desk I noticed the pot lid has come loose and my sample has gone all over me. The nurse politely says to me 'sorry sir, you're going to have to come again.'

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A man goes to the dentist...

A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. As he's laying in the chair for the operation, the dentist pulls out a needle to numb him.

The man says, "No man, I deathly afraid of needles."

So the dentist pulls out the gas to put him under.

The man says, "please don't, I'm very claustrophobic."

So the dentist finally pulls out two blue pills and hands them to the man.

The man says, "I didn't know Viagra was a pain reliever."

The dentist says, "It's not, but at least you'll have something to hold onto while I pull this tooth!"

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Did know that king Leopold II never visited Belgian Congo?

It was a hands off operation.

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I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

It nearly cost me my medical licence.

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I heard Kayne West is said to be recovering well in hospital.

Especially after a nine hour operation to remove his head from his arsehole.

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The cleaning operation!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him."She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I`m afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

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A man goes to see his doctor......

And tells his doctor he wants to be casturated. The doctor looks at him and says, "Sir, you know this is a life altering surgery.". The guy replies, "I know doc, and I've been thinking of this for the last 5 yrs and you won't change my mind!". The doctor goes through with the surgery and the man is sent to recovery. Walking around the next day a bit bow legged given the operation, he meets another gentleman walking the same way. He says to him, "You must have just had the same operation I did.". The gentleman replied, "Yeah, after all these years I finally decided to get a circumsision.". The patient stares blankly and goes, "Fuck, that's the word."

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What do you call an operation that turns a woman into man?

An addadictomy

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Ladies....

Ladies, If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons :p

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A doctor and his patient

**Doctor**: After the operation, you'll be a new man.

**Patient**: Could you send the bill to the old man?

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After the operation I say to the doctor...

"Look, I'm gonna try to save some money and stitch myself back up."
"Are you sure?" He says, "alright, suture self."

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Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

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"Mom, Dad I am going to undergo a sex change operation"

Dad:...
Mom: "Don't"
Dad:...

"So that makes me a Transparent!"

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Anyone want to invest in my 100% automated turkey farm?

It's a turnkey turkey operation.

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My girlfriend got an eye operation done a few days ago

Right after it she broke up with me.

She said she can't see me anymore

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Ouch

A man (let's call him Bob) goes to his best friend who happens to be a doctor (let's call him Marv).

Bob: Marv, I need to ask you a favor.

Marv: Yea, Bob. No problem, what can I do for you?

Bob: I have here $5,000. I want you to castrate me.

Marv: But, Bob --

Bob: No, Marv, I've thought about this, I'm a little embarrassed, just take the $5,000 dollars and please don't fight me on this.

Marv, thinks and decides that he's not one to say no to $5,000 for a simple procedure and agrees. He conducts the operation.

In an hour or so Bob wakes up from the anesthesia.

Bob: Is it done?

Marv: Yea, it is. Also while I was doing the operation I noticed you weren't circumcised, and I really believe it's healthier, so I wanted to offer you that option now.

Bob: CIRCUMCISED! That's the word!

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A man is about to have surgery...

The surgeon says : Don't worry I've done this operation hundreds of times.

The man responds: That's sounds reassuring.

The surgeon then says: Yeah, I have to succeed someday.

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I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation...

...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.

I wanted a boy, dammit.

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What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

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What's Trump's favorite math operation?

Division.

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A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

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The prime minister of Japan finally decides to enact revenge on the US for Hiroshima & Nagasaki.

He decides to nuke the rednecks and he calls it: Operation Fried Okra-homa

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A man sadly became blind.

The doctor said "Conventional medicine offered no cure, BUT! I believe I can cure you by replacing your eyes with cheese!
The man gasped in horror, but was convinced he had no other option, so he said yes.
After the operation, the man opened his eyes. The doctor asked "How's your vision now?" The man answered "Not perfect, but gouda'nough!"

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn't quite go to plan.

Superior: Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?

Officer jones: Well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table.

Superior: I see, and officer Jennings, is that also how you remember it?

Officer Jennings: Actually no sir, as I recall it, he found a 20 ounce bottle of Pepsi and pissed all over the sofa.

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[Breaking] Muslim terrorists have crashed a speedboat full of explosives into the base of the Hoover Dam...

Police suspect this might be the first attack in a month long operation named Ramadam.

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I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation.

I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

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What does the US call its new offensive in Iraq?

Operation Extended Warranty.

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Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

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Yesterday at work this huge measuring tool stopped working and we had to call maintenance to have it fixed...

It was a large scale operation.

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I just had operation to get rid of my spine

It was holding me back, anyway.

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Colonoscopy

A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says "Did you find his head?"

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So I wrote a Musical

It was about a tragic coal mining operation ,unfortunately, the cave collapsed and the workers inside were killed.

I decided to write it in A flat minor.

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A doctor is performing a very dangerous operation on a child.

Doctor: The chances of you surviving this are only 50%

Child: Lets do it 2 times then!

*high fives the doctor*

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The doctor told the sign language interpreter that the operation was risky.

Now it was a matter of lie for deaf.

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A couple were working as weed dealers

It was a joint operation.

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Why do your rarely see a mum or dad who went through a sex change operation?

Because they're transparent!

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Operation barbarossa Was never going to work

There were too many red flags along the way

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Imagine my surprise when

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

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I just opened an action figure factory

It's a pretty small operation right now, just me and my buddy Frank and we're only making one kind of Dracula action figure. We really need to get things off the ground so I have to make every second Count.

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Patient and Doctor

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

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A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm still praying that you find out at the last second that my kidney works."

The surgeon, to try and calm his patient, responds:

"You know, I've done this operation hundreds of times, and I'm certain this time I'll succeed."

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What do you call an operation.

what do you call an operation to have your tonsils removed? a Tonsillectomy.

What do you call an operation to have your appendix removed? an Appendectomy.

What do you call an operation where a man has his tubes cut so he can't have children? a vasectomy.

What do you call an operation when a woman has a sex change? an Add-a-dick-to-me.

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What is Jesus' favorite mathematical operation?

The Cross Product

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Did you recover from your operation?

Not yet. The doctor says I still have two more payments.

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"operation"

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

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What do you call a Female to Male operation?

An Addadictomy. (say it out loud)

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Hey girl, you into operation enduring freedom?

Because I ain't ever gonna pull out!

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Why couldn't Johnny see his dad after he got a sex change operation?

Because he was transparent

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A new project has started in Egypt;

The government has begun to put more cars on the road, ordering them to beep occasionally. As a result, the familiar sounds of the city will be returned in order to calm the residents of Egypt.

They have called this operation toot-and-calm-em.

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Did you guys hear about the guy that got killed when he tried to steal honey from a beehive?

I heard it was a sting operation

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I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

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I had an operation to improve my hearing, where the surgeon grafted pig's ears to side of the head.



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But all I could hear was crackling.

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I got circumcised on the NHS

Which means the operation was free, you just leave a tip

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Doctor: I'm glad to say the ear operation was a success

Patient: WHAT

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patient first operation.

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

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Dear Sir / Madam...

Your transgender operation was a partial success.

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What's the technical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?

A strapadictomy.

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Did you know that Kraft is building a factory in Jerusalem?

They're calling the operation Cheesus of Nazareth...

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What do you call a penis transplant operation?

A giveadicktome.

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Why did the undercover cop throw a wasp nest at the drug dealer?

It was a sting operation.

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What was the name of the operation to catch Juaquin Guzman?

El trapo.

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The police tried to raid a food smuggling operation today.

Unfortunately, they only managed to Caesar salad.

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Me as a Doctor

Patient: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
Doctor: Yes, of course.
Patient: Great! I never could before...

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What are the best Operation puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Operation? Well, here are the best jokes about Operation to have fun with.

Joko Jokes