Opening Jokes
149 opening jokes and hilarious opening puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opening that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking to make a great first impression? Check out these proven opening jokes to use in any situation, from the office to a wedding ceremony. Find the right line for your groom speech, best man speech, presentation, meeting, or sermon. Make sure to employ the right line to get your audience engaged and motivated!
Quick Jump To
- Short Opening Jokes
- Opening One Liners
- Opening Closing Jokes
- Opening Presentation Jokes
- Meeting Opening Jokes
- Opening Line Jokes
- More Opening Jokes
Funniest Opening Short Jokes
Short opening jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opening humour may include short opened jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
- My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary... I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
- My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
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Opening One Liners
Which opening one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opening? I can suggest the ones about close and unlock.
- What did chuck norris do when his parachute failed to open? Brought it back for a refund.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.
- Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp
- A clown held the door open for me yesterday I thought it was a nice jester.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- Everyone was excited at the autopsy club... It was open Mike night.
- I asked Siri why I'm single She opened the front camera
- Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A: A can't opener.
- I went to the dentist today Dentist: Open up please
Me: Sometimes I get sad.
Opening Closing Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening closing jokes and even better opening closing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens" Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
- When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
- My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens". He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.
- My grandfather always used to say as one door closes another one opens Great guy.
Terrible carpenter. - My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens." Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! It's called Twenty Pho Seven
- When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
- Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
- When one door closes, another one opens... ...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.
- When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, I love my new car.
Opening Presentation Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening presentation jokes and even better opening presentation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the handless boy get for Christmas? Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present. - Birthday present for my Wife. I have bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it. - I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present Her face really lit up when she opened it.
- I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day.. A bit of an unconventional present, I know!
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it. - What present did the kid with no hands get? Gloves.
Ha! Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened it yet. - What did the guy without hands get for christmas? We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet
- My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
- What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? No one knows, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
- Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas? Me neither. He couldn't open his presents.
- what did the man with no hands get for christmas? gloves.
haha just kidding he hasnt even opened his present yet
Meeting Opening Jokes
Here is a list of funny meeting opening jokes and even better meeting opening puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Autopsy club meeting Saturday! Its open Mike night.
- Bookstores are a great place to meet women... ... But not so if your opening line is "What does this word mean?"
- The autopsy club has a meeting this Friday. It's Open Mike Night.
- A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts." - After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating, " It was a pressure meeting you"
- I'm really good at dating in the Tinder age Every girl I meet swipes left at me...usually across the face with an open hand.
- Why does Jarod Fogle go to AA meetings in prison? Because he has to talk to someone that knows the urge of wanting to crack open a tall boy.
- What do you do when you meet a fellow anime watcher appreciates the theme song of an anime you like? Kill him, it's an opening.
- I met with my lawyer to discuss my will... During the meeting he asked me about f**... arrangements. I told him I was thinking of having an open casket f**.... Remains to be seen.
- An opening line when you're meeting her parents. I cut back on the alcohol because you should be able to trust a f**... at 27.
Opening Line Jokes
Here is a list of funny opening line jokes and even better opening line puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants. He could have called it Billie Jeans.
Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!
Kids pants would be half off there. - If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct". Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...
- Why did the Russian oligarch sign up for the draft? Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.
- A new Lego store opened up in my town... People were lined up for blocks.
- A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
- Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens": Not the best line to come from a carpenter
- Pick up line: Girl are you an oreo? Cos I wanna open you up and lick all the good stuff inside
- Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while. People will be lined up for blocks.
- Why is it so drafty in the Microsoft Store? Because it's lined with open windows
Saw the other dad joke about the apple store and couldn't resist - The improper fraction help line is now open 24/7
Hilarious Fun Opening Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about opening you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean invitation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opening pranks.
I can't describe how disappointed I am...
...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"
"Run-CMD"
(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)
There's a new pizza place coming to town...
Two epileptic midgets (err, little people) are opening up a pizza place across town next week.
They're calling it 'Little Seizures'.
My dad came up with this joke, and I don't think he's ever been so proud of anything in his life.
Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking?
To go to the grand opening.
Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers?
To get to the royal ball.
A golfer and heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
Car broke down.
While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two n**... men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats.
Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."
A man out of work...
...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"
Did you hear about the glory hole job opening?
The s**... s**... but the tips are good.
Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.
As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.
My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility.
Oh, three of them, actually.
Well, well, well...
Best short jokes?
I need a joke for a meeting we have tomorrow at work but I cant remember any good ones after following this tradition weekly for the last few months.
It must be short with just an opening line and a punchline like this:
**Can a ninja throw a star?**
**Shuriken**
The punchline doesnt have to be one word of course, but it cant be a long joke.
Can anybody remember any good ones?
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
I thought about opening up a cemetery...
but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.
I am opening a new restaurant...
...called "Whatever. I Don't Care".
Gonna make a killing on date night.
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...
He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.
Thinking about opening up a s**... bank in New Jersey.
Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".
There were once some monks who decided to raise money by opening a flower shop
There was once an order of monks that needed to raise some money. They figured that the best way to do this was by opening a flower shop and selling flowers.
Now, these monks sold their flowers really cheap, and everyone liked the idea of buying flowers from men of God, so much so that all the other florists slowly lost all their business.
Realizing their predicament, the florists banded to figure out how to remove these monks. They finally settled on Big Hugh, the best kneecapper in town. Big Hugh went to the monks and made several casual comments about the flammability of their monastary. Cowed, the monks caved to his demands, thus proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London?
A great big pho queue.
I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"
A kid meal is £250
They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic a**... or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
Kanye West is opening up a breakfast restaurant...
Omelette You Finish
The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl.
It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...
I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier
Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.
We're calling it Send Noods
Why are negative parabolas so introverted?
They have a hard time opening up
I don't understand women...
I thought opening the door was the right thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane...
I'm thinking of opening a s**... bank and calling it...
"Get a load of this guy"
Finally got funding approved for the gay club I'm opening in Prague.
The Czech's in the Male
Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.
When he found her n**..., he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."
A man, his wife and the hotel receptionist
Man: Hello, I'am in room 420. Please send someone over immidiately. I'am having an argumemt with me wife and she wants to jump from the window.
Receptionist: Iam sorry sir but thats personal matter.
Man: Listen you dumb f*c**..., the window is not opening and that's a maintenance problem!
Did you hear about the epileptic midget opening a pizza shop?
It's called Little Seizures.
I thought opening a door for a woman was polite
But she just screamed and flew out of the plane
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church
eveybody looks at you in disgust but deep inside they all want some.
Did you hear that Dollar Tree is opening a store in the U.K?
They're naming it p**....
My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control.
I told her it's because it's child-proof.
A guy starts his first day at a bakery...
The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."
My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her.
It almost made me lose control of the car.
Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA's corporate greed
They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes
What is the similitude between and air conditioner and a computer?
Opening windows makes both less efficient.
Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a m**... farm...
Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!
Four robber are robbing a bank
After opening the safe, the only thing they found is a box with about 200 yogurts. Furious because they didn't find the money, they eat all the 200 yogurts, thinking it'd upset the owner. As they were leaving, they ask the security where was all the money, to which the security answered: "What do you mean where's all the money? This is a s**... bank"
Chivalry is dead.
Opening the door for ladies used to be considered the polite thing to do.
The last girl I opened the door for just screamed at me as she fell out of the plane.
I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...
Bisquey Business
A Guy Proposing To His GF...
She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I f**... alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.
After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
I applied for work at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors.
I told them, "That's a job I could really see myself doing"
Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia,
a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.
It's called Burka King.
My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.
I said "Brochure."
I'm opening a restaurant called "whatever"
It'll immediately be every girlfriend's favourite spot.
A couple was having a quarrel in a lodge...
The man calls the manager and says, "I'm having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come fast!"
The Manager angrily responds, "I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please do not waste my time again."
The Husband replies back, "The window is not opening. This is not a personal issue, this is a maintenance issue."
I freaked out the electrician by opening the door n**....
I couldn't tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was n**..., or that I got into his house.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...
But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.
A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice
The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.
"s**... bird, it was you that scared the h**... out of me"
"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"
The burglar laughs and says "That's a s**... name for a parrot"
The parrot replied "Well, Jesus is a s**... name for a doberman"
Chivalry is dead. If you see a guy opening a car door for a gal
Either the car is new or the girlfriend is new.
People said opening my present would be challenging
Turns out it was a piece of cake
A lesbian couple got their elderly neighbor a Rolex for his birthday...
Upon opening it the man said, This is really nice, but I think you ladies misunderstood when I told you I wanna watch
Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?
It's called the Grouvre.
If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...
Uncertain Times
I am opening a specialty shop that only sells flavored l**...
It's called Hole Foods
3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.
Everyone there is already great at making things i**....
My buddy and I are opening a m**... dispensary together.
It's a joint venture.
My wife knocked on the fridge door before opening it…
I said, 'excuse me but what's happening?'
She said, 'there might have been a salad dressing'
True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.
Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!
It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"
I love riddles. Before reading the answer, I sat down with my wife and we spent a while pondering the possible answers.
Eventually, curiosity overcame us. We turned over the note to see the answer.
It read:
"Your dog.
I'm really sorry.
I ran it over."
I hate riddles.
A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.
Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.
There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Everyone was bitterly disappointed that the bar did meet their expectations.
A lesson was learnt that day by the owners of the Everest Bar.
Don't set the bar so high.
I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their b**... for free tattoos.
Call it..."t**... for tat".
I asked Siri why I'm single?
She responded by opening my front camera.
I always make sure to knock on the fridge before opening
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Rob Zombie is opening an authentic Chinese restaurant
It's called 'More Hunan Than Hunan'
What two keys are the worst at opening locked doors?
A monkey and a donkey
A old TV psychic is given a question in an envelope and asked for the answer to said question without opening the envelope. The psychic holds it up to his head, concentrates, and says "The Answer! Is! 'Perpetuate!'"
Then, the old psychic opens the envelope to read the note inside out loud to the studio audience and says, "The Question! Is! How does a Chinese deli charge their customers...?!"
Why should you knock on a refrigerator door before opening it?
In case there's a salad dressing
