Opening Weekend Jokes
11 opening weekend jokes and hilarious opening weekend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opening weekend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Opening Weekend Short Jokes
Short opening weekend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opening weekend humour may include short weekend jokes also.
- I can't wait for this weekend's big Sci-Fi Rom-Com movie opening... Star Wars: When Hairy Met Solo
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What funny jokes about opening weekend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean opening scene jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opening weekend pranks.
Maybe not a joke as much as a cute misunderstanding but...
I cracked open a r**... kit last weekend. I had never seen one before.
Anyway, I obviously have been operating under a huge misconception. I laughed so hard, she got away.
Superstition
I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's difficult to open the beer cans and the Lays packs without the nails."
Moral: Some superstitions do have a scientific basis!
A blond and a brunette are sitting on a porch...
The brunette looks out and sees her husband approaching with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh look, flowers, looks like I'll be having my legs spread open all weekend long..." The blonde replies: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
Golden Toilet
Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"
I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...
and it may be my crowning achievement.
We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.
Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."
Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"
I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"h**...," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited
Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!
No way!
Yes way, insists Fred, come with me and check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.
Twenty minutes later they're ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, Hi! I'm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn't believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!
There is only one mother
Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own p**... but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of v**... from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <
A happy 80 year old man goes to see his doctor
Doctor: Why are you so happy?
Old Man: My 19 year old wife is pregnant! Can you believe it?!
Doctor: Wow, that great news! You know, I have a story to tell you.
Old Man: Go ahead
Doctor: I once had a friend. He would go hunting every weekend. One day he forgot to bring his gun. He brought his umbrella instead.
Old Man: Ok...
Doctor: He then saw a bear. Not knowing what to do, he opened the umbrella, and p**..., the bear died.
Old Man: How's that possible? You can't kill a bear with an umbrella
Doctor: Exactly. Somebody else must've shot the bear.
Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having s**... over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"