Opening Closing Jokes
108 opening closing jokes and hilarious opening closing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opening closing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Opening Closing Short Jokes
Short opening closing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opening closing humour may include short closing time jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- My granddad always used to say, "as one door closes another one opens" Wonderful guy, terrible cabinet maker.
- When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
- My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens". He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.
- My grandfather always used to say as one door closes another one opens Great guy.
Terrible carpenter. - My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens." Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
- Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
- When one door closes, another one opens... ...and that is when you realize you've bought a really bad second hand car.
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Opening Closing One Liners
Which opening closing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opening closing? I can suggest the ones about closing deals and opening.
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! It's called Twenty Pho Seven
- When one door closes, another door opens. Other than that, I love my new car.
- What does the sign say at the brothel when they are not open? Beat it, we're closed.
- When one door closes, another door opens. You are being ejected through the air lock.
- When one door closes, another one opens. I gotta get my car fixed ASAP.
- When a door closes, another one opens I'm not a very good carpenter...
- Reddit is like a fridge You close it then open it 30 seconds later
- When one door closes, another one opens Other than that it's a pretty good car.
- I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open. It was a jar.
- When one door closes, another door opens... other than that, it's a pretty good airplane.
- When one door closes... A Spirit Halloween store opens.
- One door closes, another door opens... I need a new car!
- The C in Closed is open... but the O in Open is closed
- Why is it so easy to break into God's house? When God closes a door he opens a window.
Uplifting Opening Closing Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about opening closing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean close jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opening closing pranks.
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
Two rapists
Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...
An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."
The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"
(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few years ago.)
Car broke down.
While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two n**... men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats.
Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."
When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...
One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself
A r**... family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
Drunk guy went to the bathroom
a drunk guy went home late, before sleeping he went to the bathroom to pee, he opened the door and the lights were on, he closed the door and the lights went off, he said how is that possible ? he peed and went to bed.
next morning he asked his wife "What's the matter with the bathroom lights, i opened the door and they went on and when i closed the door they went off".
she said:"so you're the one who peed in the Refrigerator"
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
Steve Jobs f**... was closed casket
It wasn't supposed to be, but no one could figure out how to open the casket.
A guy opens the door to a brothel
And asks, "What can I get for five dollars"
One of the girls looks at him and says, "why don't you go j**... in your car?"
Guy closes the door and comes back 10 minutes later,
'Who do I give the 5 dollars to?'
A good, short oldie to end your Monday
A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"
Three gurus on top of a mountain sit in meditation.
One of them opens his eyes and whispers "Life...", then closes his eyes and keeps on meditating.
Seasons come and go, twenty years pass, then the second guru opens his eyes and whispers "...is suffering...". Then stops suddenly and dives deep into meditation again.
After another twenty years of meditation the third guru opens his eyes and says "C'mon guys, are we here for chitchat????"
There are 500 bricks on a plane...
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.
I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.
She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."
How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke
A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary
A cardiologist died...
..and was given an elaborate f**.... A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own f**.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
I opened the door to find my friend m**.... He yelled "Close the door!"
So I yelled, "Get inside!"
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.
Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator
The door was closing, so I held it open for him.
He replied with, "Sank you".
Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?
"Whenever one door closes, another opens."
"Wow, you must be very optimistic about life."
"No, I live in a haunted house."
One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,
He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...
Two guys are driving late at night
Suddenly, they are stopped by police. The driver opens the window.
Guy: Evening, officer
Officer: Good evening sir.
Guy: Did we do something wrong?
Officer: No sir, we've stopped you because we are looking for two rapists.
Guy: Ah, ok. One sec please, officer.
The guy closes the window, talks to his buddy, then opens the window again and says: "Ok officer, we'll do it."
A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his f**.... A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.
I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own f**....
What's so funny about that?
I'm a gynecologist.
If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are left?
499.
What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge
What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.
A Christian, Jew and Muslim get to heaven at the same time.
St Peter welcomes the Christian and says 'good choice Sir, in you come'. Next it's the Jew's turn, who says 'OK, we got it a bit wrong but hey we were close', St Peter says 'come on in you rascal you' and playfully knuckles his head on the way through the pearly gates. Before the Muslim could even open his mouth St Peter hushes him with his hand, turns round and shouts 'Jesus, your taxi's here!'.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
You know how it is in life. When one door closes, another one opens.
"Yes very nice, but I'm not buying the car until you fix that."
As one door closes, another opens...
I really wish I'd followed the instructions building this wardrobe.
'When one door closes another one opens,' he said.
'That is great,' I replied, 'nevertheless I want you to repair the car before you sell it to me.'
My wife said she couldn't deal with my OCD anymore.
I said fine, open and close the door five times and leave.
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab.
Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.
An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.
The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn't collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, Let my can be open, how do we close it?
An old man goes to see his doctor
An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek.
Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand.
He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter.
You've found Pascal!"
My friend and I were late for a meeting
My friend and I were late for a meeting
We'd never been in that particular building before and we were lost.
My friend opened the wrong door and it turned out to be for a wedding reception.
After he closed the door, he seemed embarrassed and I said to him, "You look like you've seen a toast."
Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.
Einstein opens his eyes and says "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
"No," says Newton. "You found a Newton in one square meter. You found Pascal!"
When one door closes, another one opens.
When one door closes, another one opens. Other than that, it's a pretty good car.
:)
A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.
She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,
"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"
The blonde answers, "No! It's my d**... computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"
An Arrogant Boss
The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom.
Hey boss, "Your garage door is open."
The arrogant boss walked real close to her and said, "I hope you got a good look at my Ferrari."
The witty secretary quickly said, "No, but I did get a glimpse of a small scooter with two deflated wheels."
My brother works in the garage door business
I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.
He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.
Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.
I hope you found these puns to be....uplifting.
The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.
The f**... viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.
A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down.
Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
Every time one door closes, another opens.
I think my house is haunted.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding
A state trooper walked to her car window, floppong open his ticket book.
The woman said: I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the troopers' ball.
He replied: State troopers don't have b**....
There was a brief silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
A man walks into the Irish bar
The barman says:
-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.
-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man
-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?
A cardiac specialist died and at his f**... the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own f**..." the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.
"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"
"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.
I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.
"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.
"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a skunk, son, aren't you? I told you to stop drinking at midnight!"
"I did," I added, "But I carried on at 12:01."
There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?
501
h**... do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door
How do put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door
The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missing, what is it?
The giraffe, he's still in a fridge.
A girl swims across a crocodile infested river, but she still survives, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party
The girl still dies. How?
She gets hit on the head by a brick falling out of the sky
A man is sitting at home…
when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there's no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he's about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
2 years go by
The same man is at home and there's a knock at the door.
He opens the door and a snail says, Hey! Whatcha do that for?
BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week
Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'
Dad always says when one door closes another will open.
He never could figure out carpentry
When one door closes, another one opens somewhere.
But like, the rest of the car works fine.
How do you fit four elephants in a mini-cooper car?
Two in the front. Two in the back. How do you know there's an elephant in your fridge?
You open the door and see an elephant. How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
When the door doesn't quite close. How do you know when there's three elephants in the fridge?
They giggle when the light goes out. How do you know there's four elephants in the fridge?
There's an empty mini-cooper parked in your drive!
Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time
They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.
"What is it, dad?" asked the son.
"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.
They watched in wonder as an old lady walked up to the doors, pressed a button, and stepped inside the now-open doors. The doors closed once again and a while later, a 20-year-old blonde strolled out of the doors.
The father told his son, "Go get your mother!"