Opening Best Man Jokes
26 opening best man jokes and hilarious opening best man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opening best man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Opening Best Man Short Jokes
Short opening best man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opening best man humour may include short opening act jokes also.
- If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
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Opening Best Man One Liners
Which opening best man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opening best man? I can suggest the ones about opener and opening closing.
- The best time to open a gift is the present.
Opening Best Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about opening best man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meeting opener jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opening best man pranks.
Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea
Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"
Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"
Merkel stands next to them saying nothing.
Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them.
The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting
"HEIL H*TLER, WE NEED DIESEL!"
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy
Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.
Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
An Engineering Joke.
Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
A dog is a man's best friend
A dog is a man's best friend. Don't belive me?
Put your wife in the trunk, put your dog in the trunk, wait a couple of hours. After open the trunk and looks who's happy to see you
The Married Man's Best Friend Test
A married man decides to find out who really is his best friend, his wife or his dog. he takes both of them and locks them in the trunk of his car. after an hour he opens the trunk.
Which one is happy to see him?
Mans best friend
I was having troubles with my girlfriend.
We were always arguing, usually about my behaviour or my friends circle; mostly about nothing in my eyes.
One day she said why don't we get a dog. Great idea! We got a puppy and we went for a long drive into the country side.
When we got there, I opened the trunk to let them both out. Can you guess which one was pleased to see me?
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Jesus Christ and his friends are out for fun. After drinking some glasses and talking about man-stuff, Jesus tells them the secret that he is over 30 and still a v**...!
His friends decide that they can not leave it that way...especially because he is the son of god... and drag him to the next brothel. They pay him the next best h**... girl and put both to a room and shut the door. Relaxed they started drinking a few more bottles when suddenly the door of the room opens, the h**... runs out n**..., crying and shouting, and disappears in the dark of the night. Jesus walks out and smiles. His friends ask what just happened?
Jesus: "Well, she showed me her wound and I healed it"
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said:
"Open your mouth, honey, and show him."
Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront
Trump says, "American submarines are the best. The best, let me tell you. They can stay underwater for two weeks, okay. Two weeks. When anybody asks me who builds the best submarines, I say America. Nobody builds better submarines than us."
Putin says, "That is good, Donald, but I'm afraid Russian submarines can stay underwater for two months at a time."
Suddenly, there is a big commotion in the water. As Trump, Putin, and Merkel turn their heads, they see a large submarine surfacing. Moments later, the hatch opens, and a man in uniforms pops out and says, "Heil h**..., is ze war over yet?"
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
A man is celebrating his 60th birthday..
A man is celebrating his 60th birthday, and his sons decide that they should do something special for him since he lost his wife over a decade ago and never tried to get back into dating.
So they hire a p**... and tell her to go to his house that night. The young, voluptuous woman strolls up to the door at half past 9 and rings the doorbell. After a few minutes and some grouchy yelling from the house, the old man opens the door.
The woman says, in her best s**... voice, "Hello George, I'm here to give you super s**..."
He looks her up and down briefly and says "Eh, I'll take the soup".
Topical Jokes for 6/17
(For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host)
In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!
The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton! .
Coca Cola is testing a new, low-calorie version of Coke in a green can called Coca Cola Life. The original formula of Coke in the red can will be rebranded as Coca Cola Death.
A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...
They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".
The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they can stay submerged for up to a year"
As the American opens his mouth to voice his reply, he's suddenly interrupted as a massive submarine surfaces right in front of them.A man steps out, looks at them and screams: "Heil h**..., have we won ze war?"
3 Nuns die in a car c**......
...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."
-GONG-
The Pink Gorilla
An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"
Alaskan retirement.
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Choose Wisely...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was now at hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the f**..., as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. He opened the note, and read out loud, Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?
Peace'n quiet in Auz
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.