Opening Act Jokes
13 opening act jokes and hilarious opening act puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about opening act that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Opening Act Short Jokes
Short opening act jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The opening act humour may include short opening scene jokes also.
- I went to a top-rate concert for 45 cents today! It was 50 Cent with Nickleback as the opening act.
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Opening Act One Liners
Which opening act one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with opening act? I can suggest the ones about opening line and opening presentation.
- Today is my dad's birthday He's the opening act for Christ.
- What concert costs $0.45 50 Cent with Nickelback as the opening act.
Opening Act Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about opening act you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean opening credits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make opening act pranks.
An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...
Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"
fake gorilla joke
a nearly broke zoo had trouble maintaining and caring for the gorillas, so they had to sell them to a different zoo.
to keep the exhibit open, they dressed up a staff member in a gorilla suit.
for the next week, the fake gorilla was placed in the cage and paid to act real, and he loved it!
everyone loved him, thinking he was a real gorilla, but one day he went too far, climbed up the side of his enclosure (electric fence didn't hurt him through the suit) and accidentally fell into the lion pit!
"help me!" "I'm gonna die!" the fake gorilla screamed.
the lion roared, ran over to the gorilla, and growled in his face:
"shut up or we'll both get fired!"
Latex gloves
A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you f**... every morning in bed. One day you're going to f**... your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her.
4 months later...
It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened.
15 minutes later...
Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom.
10 minutes later...
Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says.
"Well, you know how you said I would f**... my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.
A politician is leaving office...
...and shaking the hand of the fresh face. The old bear motions the new comer to come closer - to exchange words.
"You're a public figure now. You must act in a most respectable way, you need to care for your people - not so much that they need you, but enough that they don't forget who you are. And most important - keep these two letters close by.'
"When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can't get out of, open the second letter".
Well, soon enough, the young professional was in a tight place, so they opened the first letter. Which said - "Blame everything on me". So tyhe old politician was blamed, it worked like a charm. Years later the politician got into a second situation they couldn't get out of - the second letter was opened. It said - "Sit down, and write two letters"
Originally an Arabic joke!
A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, How is this supposed to help? It's not gonna kill me? The pharmacist says Oh no, you see, we follow a modern approach to healing, you just have to take this entire tablet one time and you will be ok. The man pays the Pharmacist goes home and force the giant tablet down his t**... and notices that it's acting fast! The same man comes back another time with a terrible cough and asks for a cough medicine. The pharmacist hands him a gallon size cough syrup bottle and says Drink the whole thing at once and you will be fine! the man thanks the pharmacist and follows his exact instruction, the cough goes away. On another day the pharmacist is standing outside his pharmacy when he sees the same man sneaking in and out the other pharmacy. The guy comes back weeks later asking for band aids the pharmacist refuses to sell him any of his giant ones and says You know I saw you going into the other pharmacy. I thought you are becoming a loyal client of mine! The man responses and says, Don't get me wrong sir, I am a loyal customer. I just needed some adult suppositories.
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks
. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the c**... of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,
"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.
This parrot was a very n**... parrot.
It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, “Why the change?”
The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."