Open Wide Jokes
75 open wide jokes and hilarious open wide puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about open wide that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Open Wide Short Jokes
Short open wide jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The open wide humour may include short wide open jokes also.
- Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
- A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said: "Open Wide"
"I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms" - I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes
- I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'
- When we got married I could pull her lips apart... Let 'em go, they would slam shut.
17 years later I can hold 'em shut, let 'em go and they flap wide-open! - Open wide ye heavenly gates! Open wide ye heavenly gates!
For Father suffered in passing through,
and Mother weighs much more.
-Gravestone - Julie Julie Julie Julie?
Yes Oni-Chan?
Stole my condoms?
No Oni-Chan!
Telling Lies?
No Oni-Chan!!
Open Wide!
AHH AHH AHH - It takes me a long time to open up to people Even at the doctors. He's like "open wide and say ahhhhhh" and I'm like "can you give me a few?"
- What do you call a short and wide open-mouthed container made out of stone and clay? Terrible
- If a female dentist tells a male patient to open nice and wide it's fine but if it's vice versa...
Share These Open Wide Jokes With Friends
Open Wide One Liners
Which open wide one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with open wide? I can suggest the ones about open and open the gate.
- What did the dentist say to the pirate? Open wide and say "ARRRRRR".
- What do dentists and gynecologists have in common? They both start by saying "open wide!"
- Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- My doctor is such a bro The other day he told me to "open wide and say brahhhhhh"
- Doctor Doctor I feel really dirty Open wide
- Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
Open Wide Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about open wide you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean open ended jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make open wide pranks.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets.
So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"
An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a f**.
.. jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide.
The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"
A guy walks into a welfare office...
to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
The welfare clerk behind the counter said, Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her s**... urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!
The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
No problems
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
A guy walks into a...
A guy walks into a local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s**... drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
You want what?
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the n**...'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of l**.... Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid s**..., turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a s**..., his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
I told you I was broke…
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
A man goes to the doctor ...
... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, p**...* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."
Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Dancing in the kitchen.
Two neighbors have the hots for each other. So one afternoon when their spouses are away they are having it off. Afterwards they are having a smoke in the bed and she asks him if it was everything he imagined it would be.
"It was alright, but I must say you are pretty wide."
"What do you mean, wide?"
"Well, you do have a rather 'large hole'...
Baffled she kicks him out of her house and goes to the kitchen to fix herself a drink.
Sitting at the kitchen table she starts thinking about what he said, gets a mirror, puts it on the floor, stands over the mirror, opens her robe and begins to examen herself.
Just at that moment the neighbor's 5 year old son walks in through the b**....
Embarrassed, she says: "Hi Timmy, how are you? I was just doing a little dance, I really like dancing in the kitchen!"
To which the kid replies: "Do what you want, just make sure you don't fall into that hole!"
Lumberjack and the Moose
So this lumberjack moves into a logging camp in the middle of nowhere. It's a nice little camp. There are cabins for all the workers and a tavern where they can get food and drink in the evenings.
The new guy sits down next to one of the regulars and starts having a conversation with him. The conversation turns toward the topic of s**... when the new guy asks what the workers do to satisfy their needs in the camp. The seasoned worker tells him there is a field where moose gather and graze every Thursday night. When the men have an urge they just go do a moose. The newcomer cannot believe this, but after six months he can't take it anymore.
One Thursday night he goes out to the field, picks a moose, and just starts giving it to the moose. After a minute or two he feels like someone is watching him. He turns around to see the man he had the conversation with on his first night at camp staring at him with his jaw hanging wide open. The new guy says, "What? Don't tell me that you were joking when you told me you do this?!"
The veteran shakes his head and just says, "No. That's just the ugliest moose I've ever seen!"
How do you catch a polar bear?
First you dig a hole in the ice, about 8 feet deep and about 6 feet wide.
Second you open a can of peas and place the peas around the perimeter of the ice hole.
Then you hide and wait. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
An Amish joke.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Too soon.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two
Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.
"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!
A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.
"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.
"No, just water", replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer.
The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment," SWEET JESUS! I can't believe it! He's done it again!! IT'S A MIRACLE! "
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
A man with wide open arms
One evening a woman was coming back home when she saw a man at the end of the street moving towards her with wide open arms and a vacant stare , she panicked ,picked up a rock and threw at him while running away .The man stood up shaking his head and exclaimed "g**... ,it's the 4th window this hour, my boss is going to kill me"
Man gets asked how he got his offset eye
The newcomer asks the man, "Though this may be inappropriate to ask, what happened to your eye?"
The man smiles and responds, "Truth is, I was born without an eyelid."
The newcomer's eyes open wide.
"Yeah, strangest thing. No eyelid on one eye. Doc said he'd never seen anything like it. He told my parents it was a long shot, but there was one thing he could try."
The newcomer leans in to hear this.
"What they did is, when they circumcised me, they took the extra skin and made an eyelid out of it."
The newcomer's jaw drops.
"Yeah, I've been cockeyed ever since!"
A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...
"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,
"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."
The Shiny Watch of Jimmy
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. Did you get that for your birthday? – asked Johnny.
Nope. – replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then?
Again Jimmy said Nope. You didn't steal it, did you? – asked Johnny.
No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the n**...'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of l**....
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid s**..., turned and said angrily. What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied.
Without missing a s**..., his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.
Two old nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man runs up to them in a trench coat, opens it wide and flashes them. One of the nuns immediately had a s**.... The other couldn't quite reach.
Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL
and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to e**... the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy
her s**... urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
s**... drive."
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks. The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. I'll give it a try, she says, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
Timmy and Billy compare Christmas presents...
Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, "How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents?"
Timmy's eyes opened wide. "It was amazing!" he said. "I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more."
"Oh my God!" Billy said. "That's so cool. You're so lucky. I didn't get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles."
"That's too bad," Timmy said. "How come that's all you got?"
Billy looked at his feet. "Because *I* don't have cancer."
A Former Sergeant In The Marine Corps Took A New Job As A High School Teacher
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly :)
A man hears the phone ringing...
A man hears the phone ringing while he is in his sports team change room, he picks it up.
"Hey honey, I saw a really nice dress for $1000, can I buy it? It looks really nice" said the voice.
"Sure, go ahead if you like it so much" the man says.
"Thanks, and also the car we looked at last week for $89,000, no one else is buying it, can I buy it? It's really fuel efficient" the voice replies"
"You can buy that too" the man replies again.
"Thank you, just one last thing, the house we looked at last month has dropped from $1.5 million to $1.4, I'm sure it'll be fine, can I buy that too?" the voice responds.
"You may buy the house" the man says.
"Thank you so much honey" the voice says then hangs up.
Astonished the mans teammates are looking at the man, eyes wide and mouth open. The man looks at them holding the phone out and asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"
Found this one on Wikipedia of all places
Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
7
I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,
He came in seventh.
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
A soldier's wife sends him.......
....a n**... photograph of herself with both legs wide open.
She adds the message, Love, I'll wait for you like this till you return.
Soldier: Oh, that's nice but who took that photo?
A kid is with his friends at school
One of his friends tells him, "If you want money go up to one of your parents and say I know the truth." The kid is like heck yeah I want money and goes up to his mom. "Mom I know the truth." The mom hands the kid 50 bucks and says, "Now your father doesn't need to hear about this right?" The kid thinks "Wow that worked great! I wonder if it works on other adults." So he goes to his mailman and says, "I know the truth." The mailman opens his arms wide and says, "Come here son!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks
The man takes a seat at the bar, mouth wide open, stunned. The horse is interacting with customers, mixing drinks, taking meal orders, and giving change.
Finally the horse sees the man, and says What's the matter, buddy? Never seen a talking horse before?
The man says, No, it's not that. I just never thought the cow would sell the place.
A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.
When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your s**... BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".
Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.
"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"
A Japanese man flew to Amerika to be with the girl of his dreams that he had met online.
He arrived at her parents house and rang the doorbell. When her father opened the door, the Japanese man bowed and introduced himself.
"My name is Hieto Sazukawaskawa and I am here to sleep with your daughter."
The fathers eyes grew wide and he asked in disbelieve.
"You are here to WHAT?"
"Sazukawaskawa"
3 old ladies at the park
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a f**... came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a s**..., the second little old lady also had a s**..., but the third little old lady couldn't reach.
A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy
2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store front of a pharmacy and keeps going...The driver races after it and chases it into the pharmacy..The pharmacist in the back says "Can I help you?" and the driver says "Yeah..do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
Three nuns were getting ready for bed,
Changing out of their robes and into nightgowns.
Halfway through undress, breast bare, they hear a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" calls the first nun.
"I'm the blind guy!"
The second nuns asks, "You're a blind guy?"
"Yes, I'm the blind guy!"
The third nun, thinking there's no harm in letting a blind guy come in while everyone was half n**... opens the door and allows the man in.
The man, eyes wide and with a surprised look says, "Wow, nice t**..., sisters!"
All three nuns, astonished and embarrassed quickly try to cover themselves up.
"You said you were a blind guy!" The first nun exclaims.
"Yah," he says. "I'm here to install your blinds."
Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?
**Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
A man goes to the doctor
"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"
The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."
A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So, did you follow my recommendation?"
"Yes sir, I slept with my windows wide open every night"
"And what about your asthma? Did it disappear?"
"No, but what did is my watch, my laptop, my television, ..."
An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...
...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.
After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.
When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow.
She tapped his shoulder and shook it, before she asked, 'What's the matter? Why are you crying?'
Teary-eyed and tired, the 6 year old boy replied,
'I'm having a midlife crisis.'
A man said "My wife and I know everything about each other! We have the perfect relationship!"
His co-worker then replied "Well, what are the color of her eyes?"
The man, who never paid attention to his wifes eye colour, after work went home to see the colour of this wifes eyes.
Upon entering his bedroom, he saw his wife sitting on the bed, staring at him with her eyes wide open.
He smiled and said "Ah, brown."
Suddenly, Mr Brown came out from under the bed and said "How the h**... did you know I was here?!"
A census enumerator is working out in the country when he knocks on the door of a farmhouse.
A woman opens the door, and the man explains he's with the census and she agrees to do the interview. Eventually he gets to the part where he asks if she has children.
Let's see, says the woman, There's Timmy and Tammy; they're 4. There's Molly and Holly; they're 8. There's Terry and Larry; they're–
The census worker cuts her off, wide-eyed. You mean to tell me, he says, that you got twins EVERY time?!
The woman laughs and says Oh goodness, no! There was hundreds of times we didn't get anything!