Open The Gate Jokes

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

Husband: Knocks the door at midnight.
Wife: Go back where you coming from!
Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool!
Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool.
!!!!..Scheweew..!!!!
Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door.
Wife: Open the door or I will shout!!
Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a p**... and a bra!

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have s**... until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

Uncles f**... tomorrow- his fave joke

Tomorrow morning is my Uncle/Godfather's f**.... In honor of him I present to you his favorite joke, one I heard multiple times a week until he lost the ability to speak about ten years ago. *this is to the best of my memory*
This guy dies and goes to heaven, when he gets to the Pearly Gates, St peter checks the list and tells him he can enter. The guy asks St Peter if he has everyone that will be going to heaven on that list. St Peter answers 'yes'. He then asks St Peter if his brothers and sisters are on the list, to which St Peter replies 'yes' as well. So the guy asks St Peter if he enjoys spending his time outside the gates of Heaven. St Peter tells him 'No, but somebody has to inform people if they are getting into Heaven or not.' So they guy tells St Peter, 'instead of standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to let people know if they're going to Heaven why don't you just send everybody a letter?' St Peter likes that idea and sends the letter to the guys brothers and sisters and everybody on the list. When they got that letter they opened it up, and do you know what that letter said?.......No? I didn't get one either.

3 guys go to heaven...

3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
.
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Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.

Three nuns

Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three guys got into a car c**... and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity."
The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."
Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde b**... sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Two women died at the same time.

Both women had lived good christian lives. They both found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter said that they were shoe-ins to heaven, but they each had to answer one question in order to get in.
He asks the first woman "What was the name of the first woman?"
"That's easy, she says. Her name was Eve."
Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven.
To the second woman St. Peter asks "What was the first thing Eve said when she first met Adam?"
She thought for a while... "Boy, that's a hard one..."
Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven.

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.
The first man had an addiction to s**.... St. Peter took this man to a room, inside were hundreds of women fully n**.... The man runs in the room excited as can be as St. Peter says " Ill be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
The second man was a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, "Ill be back in 1000 years to see of you've learned your lesson."
The third man was a chronic pothead. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of m**..., bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, " I'll be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
1000 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the s**... addict inside is so releived, and repents. St. Peter allows him into heaven.
The alcohol speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.
St. Peter opens the potheads door only to find him joint in one hand pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says " You got a light, man?"

3 Nuns die in a car c**......

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."
-GONG-

Three legged pig

A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'

Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven...

..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam.

And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy one! It was eve.
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.
And st. Petrus asks the third nun: what was the first thing that eve said to adam?
She answers: oh... Thats a hard one!
And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

Three nuns died...

...and found themselves standing before St. Peter at the gates of heaven.
"Before I can let you in," said Peter, "you'll each have to answer one question."
The first nun stepped forward and Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man?"
"Adam," answered the nun. And immediately bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she entered into heaven.
The second nun stepped forward. "What was the name of the first woman?" St. Peter asked.
"Eve," said the nun. And bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she walked in.
The third nun stepped forward. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asked St. Peter.
The nun thought for a minute, then said, "Boy, that's really hard..."
And bells began ringing and lights started flashing...

My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...

...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.
As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the pub, come on, let's go see them."
"I'm sorry man, I can't...I've gotta get these bad boys back to the missus"
"Oh come on dude, just one drink"
So that night, around midnight, I'm staggering back home, get to my house, bump into my gate, accidentally tear the bag I'm carrying dropping the snails all over the path. Just then, the front door bursts open, and my wife is standing there r**....
Quick as a flash, I looked down at the snails and said "Come on lads, not far to go"

Mike and David are stranded in the desert...

Mike and David are stranded in the desert. They've been walking for ages without food or even a sip of water. All of a sudden in the baron wasteland they find a mosque. David and mike agree that it is their best bet to go to the mosque because there'll be food and shelter. On the way to the mosque mike says "David, let's pretend to be Muslims they'll treat us a lot better. If they ask what my name is I'm gonna say Mohammed". David disagrees and thinks this is a s**... idea. Eventually they get to the mosque and the gates open. They enter inside and immediately the men inside ask their names.
"My names David".
"Come inside David we have food and water for you. What's your name sir"?
"My name is Mohammed".
"Ah come in Mohammed let's pray, fast opens in 6 hours"

Three Nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.
The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"
The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through.
The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The second nun walks through.
The third nun was then asked "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun, stumped by the question, says "Boy, that's a hard one."
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open.

Three Nuns get into Heaven

Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said
"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"
One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"
"Well that would be Adam" she said.
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?"
"Well that would be Eve" she replied
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The third and last Nun stepped forward, and he asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun paused, pondering for a moment, and said "Wow that's a hard one"
Trumpets played, the gates opened....

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.
God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.
All three friends begin to feel anxious.
God: Who was the first man on Earth?
Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
God: who was the first woman on Earth?
Friend 2: oh that's easy, Eve.
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.
Friend 3 is now feeling more confident seeing as these questions were easy.
God: what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?
Friend 3: ooh... that's a hard one
And so the gates opened and allowed him in.

Three nuns die and go to the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter tells them "to let you in to heaven, you each have to answer a question" and then asks the first nun "who was the first man on earth?"
The nun replies with "Adam" and the gates open and she goes in.
St. Peter then goes to the next nun and asks "who was the first woman on earth?"
The nun says "Eve" and the gates open and she goes in.
St. Peter goes to the third nun and asks "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
The nun is hemming and hawing and says "wow that's a hard one," and the gates open and she's let in.