Open Jokes
200 open jokes and hilarious open puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about open that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article examines the various meanings of "open jokes," from a humorous angle to a competitive angle. Learn about the different types of open jokes, including legs open, wide open, cold open, British Open, school open, unlock, unopened, and front. Discover why these jokes can strike the perfect blend of wit and intrigue and how to use them in different contexts.
Quick Jump To
- Short Open Jokes
- Open One Liners
- Open Ended Jokes
- Cold Open Jokes
- Open Wide Jokes
- Wide Open Jokes
- Legs Open Jokes
- More Open Jokes
Funniest Open Short Jokes
Short open jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The open humour may include short close jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
- My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary... I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
- My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens. Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
- I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
Share These Open Jokes With Friends
Open One Liners
Which open one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with open? I can suggest the ones about unlock and operate.
- What did chuck norris do when his parachute failed to open? Brought it back for a refund.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.
- Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD Its a concentration camp
- A clown held the door open for me yesterday I thought it was a nice jester.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- Everyone was excited at the autopsy club... It was open Mike night.
- I asked Siri why I'm single She opened the front camera
- Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A: A can't opener.
- I went to the dentist today Dentist: Open up please
Me: Sometimes I get sad.
Open Ended Jokes
Here is a list of funny open ended jokes and even better open ended puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not good at relationships My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.
- I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard... They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
- My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death.
- there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day i love working at the morgue.
- My 5 year old just came up with this one Knock knock
Who's there?
Cucumber
Cucumber who?
I'm gonna cut you open
- ends in death stare - - What does a necrophiliac mortician do at the end of a long day of work? He cracks open a cold one
- My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
- When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas. But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies.
- My last relationship ended because I opened the door for her to get a better job somewhere else
- Why do older women write open-ended sentences? They don't have periods.
Cold Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny cold open jokes and even better cold open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
- Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
- You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
- What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
- Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
- My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work. And that's how I learned he was a necrophiliac.
- What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic? They both like to crack open a cold one
- My wife left me a note on the fridge saying this isn't working I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she's talking about.
- What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.
Open Wide Jokes
Here is a list of funny open wide jokes and even better open wide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
- A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said: "Open Wide"
"I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms" - I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes
- What did the dentist say to the pirate? Open wide and say "ARRRRRR".
- What do dentists and gynecologists have in common? They both start by saying "open wide!"
- I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'
- When we got married I could pull her lips apart... Let 'em go, they would slam shut.
17 years later I can hold 'em shut, let 'em go and they flap wide-open! - Open wide ye heavenly gates! Open wide ye heavenly gates!
For Father suffered in passing through,
and Mother weighs much more.
-Gravestone - Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Julie Julie Julie Julie?
Yes Oni-Chan?
Stole my condoms?
No Oni-Chan!
Telling Lies?
No Oni-Chan!!
Open Wide!
AHH AHH AHH
Wide Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny wide open jokes and even better wide open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It takes me a long time to open up to people Even at the doctors. He's like "open wide and say ahhhhhh" and I'm like "can you give me a few?"
- My doctor is such a bro The other day he told me to "open wide and say brahhhhhh"
- Doctor Doctor I feel really dirty Open wide
- Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
- What do you call a short and wide open-mouthed container made out of stone and clay? Terrible
- If a female dentist tells a male patient to open nice and wide it's fine but if it's vice versa...
- Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy? **Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it. - Two old nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man runs up to them in a trench coat, opens it wide and flashes them. One of the nuns immediately had a s**.... The other couldn't quite reach.
Legs Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny legs open jokes and even better legs open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- America's coronavirus response is a lot like my ex-girlfriend's legs. They opened up fast for just about anyone, and now everyone who took advantage is suffering from a viral infection.
- I took some flowers home for my wife When I gave them to her she said: "Do you expect me to now open my legs?"
I said: "Why? Do we not have a vase?" - A man comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers... "I suppose I'll have to keep my legs open for the next few days!" The wife says.
The husband replies, "Why? Don't you have any vases?" - Have you ever seen mothballs? How'd you get their tiny legs open?
- What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? An ironing board's legs are hard to open.
- I'm sure my girlfriend's frigid Every time she opens her legs a light comes on.
- The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the most? I said ''open your legs and I will show you''
Then I nutmegged her. - Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day Wife says "I guess I have to open my legs now". Man says "Why? Don't we have a vase"?
- My 8-year-old's newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet? Hi, jean!
Laughter Open Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about open you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean popup jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make open pranks.
I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
What's the easiest way to pay a musician?
Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
she can't open windows.
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
Your dog is better than your wife.
Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.
The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.
Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed
I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill
I told him, "My door is always open".
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
WARNING: There's an email going round...
...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam!
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face.
I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
A man calls up his hotel's reception
He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."
"d**... man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"
I just opened an express clothing alteration business.
It's called Tailor Swift.
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...
Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during s**....
What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their s**... change?
Transparent
Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...
I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people
Push and pull
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
Today I woke up to a b**.....
..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously...
Needless to say, I was shocked.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
What does a Jedi use to open files?
Adobe-wan Kenobi
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.
It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
Woke up to a b**... earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.
Just four sheets and goggles.
I was trying to be a gentleman
And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
What tool do you use to open an egg?
A hatchet
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...
Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
What do you get when you cross necrophilia with group s**...?
Popping open a cold one with the boys
How can you tell a s**... club is not open?
The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"
I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"
It will keep your tab open until you have no memory
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
...that way, you don't have to break open that s**... ribcage.
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".
I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...
It has three Reichs so far
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
Sinks can't open doors.
Let that sink in.
You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.
He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.
The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.
A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
I'm going to open a dollar store in England
It'll be called p**....
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having s**... with each other in the open.
I thought to myself, Have they got no pride?
My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.
I just swam to the surface.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He's standing right behind you.
