Laughter Open Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–
–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop.
And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
she can't open windows.
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.
The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed
I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
You can explore open front reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean open door dad jokes. There are also open puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...
Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during s**....
What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their s**... change?
Transparent
Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...
I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
Today I woke up to a b**.....
..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.
It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
Woke up to a b**... earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
You call it necrophilia....
But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer...
there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...
Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
How can you tell a s**... club is not open?
The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"
I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"
It will keep your tab open until you have no memory
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
I went to the dentist today
Dentist: Open up please
Me: Sometimes I get sad.
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".
I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...
it's to the door to open it for her.
I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...
It has three Reichs so far
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.
He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.
The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.
I'm going to open a dollar store in England
It'll be called p**....
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having s**... with each other in the open.
I thought to myself, Have they got no pride?
My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.
I just swam to the surface.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club...
It was open Mike night.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return
A man goes to see a s**... therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?
**Psalm 81:10.**
**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
Not good at relationships
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.
A clown held the door open for me yesterday
I thought it was a nice jester.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD
Is it a concentration camp?
Why do people on the iss use linux
You can't open windows in space
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.
Particularly the ones on bikes.
Autopsy club tonight at 8pm
It's open Mike night
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.
He said you're jumping to a conclusion.
A f**... service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
An Amish man and his son are at a mall.
They're taken aback as they look around. The son points to an elevator and asks his father, "What is that?" The man says, "I don't know, son, but let's watch." An old, fat woman gets on and the metal doors slide shut. A few moments later the doors slide open and a gorgeous young blonde gets off. The man turns to his son and says, "Go get your mother."
A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.
It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Why do astronauts use Linux?
You can't open Windows in space
Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?
Anything
I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I b**... everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered
^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)
What's the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?
The velociraptor can open doors.
My wife and I have an open relationship
Found out last night
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."
I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already.
I love working for the post office!
Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?
Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
OPEN LETTER TO QATAR: you're seriously banning homosexuality at your World Cup?
Come on guys…
My landlord told me that he would like to have a chat with me soon...
about the house's sky high heating bills this winter.
I told him: "Sure thing, whenever you want. My door is always open".
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?
Brought it back for a refund.
I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith
I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."
The cast of Friends has reunited to open a DVD shop
A man walks in and says, My Netflix subscription just ran out. Do you have the latest season of You?
The staff points to a corner of the shop and says, Aisle B there for You.
I've made an app to loosen the top of a ketchup bottle
It's an open sauce project
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
Some people say that Coroners don't talk much.
I've always found them excellent at getting people to open up.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk*
Hey bro, you should charge your milk.
My wife called me earlier.
Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"
I'm having a few beers with the guys" I said.
Well, I need you to come and open the door for me" she snapped "I've forgotten my key!"
Calm down, I replied. "I'll send Dave through from the kitchen.
I'm gonna open a store dedicated to making pants for people with large butts
I'll call it "Big Booty Britches"
A parachutist has just jumped from a plane and his chute doesn't open.
As he is plummetting earthwards and trying to get the parachute to open, he is surprised to see someone heading up towards him. He calls out "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No," says the other. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
