Open Jokes
195 open jokes and hilarious open puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about open that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article examines the various meanings of "open jokes," from a humorous angle to a competitive angle. Learn about the different types of open jokes, including legs open, wide open, cold open, British Open, school open, unlock, unopened, and front. Discover why these jokes can strike the perfect blend of wit and intrigue and how to use them in different contexts.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Open Short Jokes
Short open jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The open humour may include short close jokes also.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.
- If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
- Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
- I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
- Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open? Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
- The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her: Well, I guess now you really are… independent".
- A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
Share These Open Jokes With Friends
Open One Liners
Which open one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with open? I can suggest the ones about unlock and popup.
- What did chuck norris do when his parachute failed to open? Brought it back for a refund.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- My wife and I have an open relationship Found out last night
- When one door closes... An incognito window opens.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
- If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- Everyone was excited at the autopsy club... It was open Mike night.
- Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A: A can't opener.
- I went to the dentist today Dentist: Open up please
Me: Sometimes I get sad. - Peyton Manning is opening a bakery. As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.
- You know why the gates of heaven are always left open? Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
- Autopsy club tonight at 8pm It's open Mike night
- I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.
Open Ended Jokes
Here is a list of funny open ended jokes and even better open ended puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard... They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
- My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death.
- there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day i love working at the morgue.
- My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
- When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas. But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies.
- My last relationship ended because I opened the door for her to get a better job somewhere else
- Why do older women write open-ended sentences? They don't have periods.
- Did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together? They called it "Odds & Ends"
- I opened a left handed store that didn't end up working out Everyone kept telling me it just wasn't right.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." I say, "When you reach the end of a toilet paper roll, open your wallet, and pull out a receipt."
Cold Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny cold open jokes and even better cold open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
- You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
- What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift? He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
- My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work. And that's how I learned he was a necrophiliac.
- Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night? He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!
- Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
- I went to a party at a morgue the other day We cracked open a few cold ones
- I feel so cold using the computer. Because I opened too many windows.
- You know what's great about being a medical examiner? Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.
Open Wide Jokes
Here is a list of funny open wide jokes and even better open wide puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone... What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
- A blonde walked into the dentist office... ...and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said: "Open Wide"
"I can't" - The blonde said. - "This chair has arms" - I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes
- What did the dentist say to the pirate? Open wide and say "ARRRRRR".
- What do dentists and gynecologists have in common? They both start by saying "open wide!"
- I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues: 'Wide Open Spaces'
- When we got married I could pull her lips apart... Let 'em go, they would slam shut.
17 years later I can hold 'em shut, let 'em go and they flap wide-open! - Open wide ye heavenly gates! Open wide ye heavenly gates!
For Father suffered in passing through,
and Mother weighs much more.
-Gravestone - Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- It takes me a long time to open up to people Even at the doctors. He's like "open wide and say ahhhhhh" and I'm like "can you give me a few?"
Wide Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny wide open jokes and even better wide open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My doctor is such a bro The other day he told me to "open wide and say brahhhhhh"
- Doctor Doctor I feel really dirty Open wide
- Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
- What do you call a short and wide open-mouthed container made out of stone and clay? Terrible
- If a female dentist tells a male patient to open nice and wide it's fine but if it's vice versa...
Legs Open Jokes
Here is a list of funny legs open jokes and even better legs open puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? An ironing board's legs are hard to open.
- Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day Wife says "I guess I have to open my legs now". Man says "Why? Don't we have a vase"?
- My 8-year-old's newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet? Hi, jean!
- Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
- Q: Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs?
A: An invalid. - I got my wife a fridge for Christmas. Should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
I got her a prosthetic leg too. Not as her main present, just as a stocking filler... - Why do hippie chicks eat with their legs open? To keep the flies off the food
- Work Hard Till everything opens vertically
.
.
.
Either it be doors or legs - How does Ellan Pao open doors at her company? By opening her legs.
Laughter Open Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about open you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make open pranks.
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
What's the easiest way to pay a musician?
Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link
I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...
...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of m**......
And hands it over to the bank teller.
Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?"
The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.
Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed
I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.
The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son."
The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?"
The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."
I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
WARNING: There's an email going round...
...offering Processed Pork, Gelatin, and Salt in a Can.
If you get this email, DO NOT OPEN IT.
It's spam!
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
I just opened an express clothing alteration business.
It's called Tailor Swift.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...
Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during s**....
I held the door
... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.
My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."
I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their s**... change?
Transparent
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people
Push and pull
I went to the dentist.
I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."
"OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."
I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's an email going around that claims to include a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton
Don't open it. It contains a n**... photo of Hillary Clinton.
My dad died in front of me
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.
It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders
1. Go to your Desktop and make a new folder named Internet Explorer
2. Change the folder's icon to Internet Explorer
3. Keep it in your favorite corner of the desktop
Now, no one will open internet explorer!
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!
It's called Twenty Pho Seven
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woke up to a b**... earlier.
That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realise it's half empty.
My dentist told me to open up....
so I started telling him how depressed I was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I don't like watching sad movies.
If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.
Just four sheets and goggles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
What tool do you use to open an egg?
A hatchet
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...
Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell a s**... club is not open?
The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"
My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.
He can do it with his eyes *open*.
It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.
I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"
It will keep your tab open until you have no memory
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
I'm opening a new gay club called "Garage Sale"
Because one mans junk is another mans treasure!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...
it's to the door to open it for her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese n**...
It has three Reichs so far
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
Sinks can't open doors.
Let that sink in.
A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.
He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.
The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm going to open a dollar store in England
It'll be called p**....
Your mind is like Chrome
13 open tabs, 3 frozen. And you don't know where the music is coming from
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having s**... with each other in the open.
I thought to myself, Have they got no pride?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...
My door is always open.
I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.
Eventually the post office fired me for it.
Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?
Polygon.
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He's standing right behind you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to see a s**... therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"
"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.
The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.
"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
