Online Jokes
172 online jokes and hilarious online puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about online that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best online jokes, from funny cybersex icebreakers to hilarious web videos. Browse through hundreds of hilarious content covering online dating, online classes, online shopping, online exams, online learning, and online school. Have a laugh and keep it light!
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Funniest Online Short Jokes
Short online jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The online humour may include short internet jokes also.
- A lot of russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
- If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
- Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.
- As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games. Not because I'm sexist, I just don't think it's right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at game.
- PS4/Xbox joke Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
- I read online today that humans, on average, eat more banana than monkeys. It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- We conducted an online survey.... ...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
- My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings. When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
- My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life. Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.
- I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian... I've never met *herbivore*
:)
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Online One Liners
Which online one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with online? I can suggest the ones about instant and website.
- What do you call doctors who graduated online? Google Docs
- I went online and rated our Solar System Gave it one star.
- What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player? Lo Ping
- I tried to start an online bakery. But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.
- I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea. I think he might be my Seoulmate
- No pornhub, I don't want to play online poker. I'm at work.
- In Germany, online jokes can be given as a sign of thanks. They call them danke memes.
- what do you call medical students who graduated online? google docs
- What do you call a doctor with an online degree? A Wikipediatrician
- I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists. They send me new matches every week.
- How does the Pope make online purchases? Using his Papal account.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg online I'll let you know...
- looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online... Heinz site's a wonderful thing
- How do ships flirt online? They send deck pics.
- How do deaf people meet online? Simple, they just ask "ASL?"
Online Dating Jokes
Here is a list of funny online dating jokes and even better online dating puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
- As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
- The mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date. They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.
- I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website... ... I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
- My friend said that he was going to try online dating. I said, "I didn't have much luck with it personally."
"But that's where *we* met," said my wife.
I said, "Exactly." - Instead Of Blocking Your Ex Become such a disaster online, that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
Revenge 101 - Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck. Every one she meets online gets arrested.
- As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!
- I met the love of my life through an online dating site Too bad my wife found out
- It must be hard dating online as an elderly person You can't be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died
Online Shopping Jokes
Here is a list of funny online shopping jokes and even better online shopping puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.
- You are unlikely to see negative reviews when shopping online for Parachutes Know what I mean!!!
If any such review you find out, let me know. LOL - Why don't bandaids shop online? They don't like getting ripped off.
- Well, that was embarrassing. I forgot where I parked my car. Then my wife reminded me that I was shopping online.
- The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry. They called it theft.
I call it online shopping. - I ordered a pair of sneakers from an online shopping site and found it to be defective. Is that an e-shoe?
- You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays... Amazon is a Prime example.
- did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop It shut down by a d-dos
- I was doing my online shopping the other day and bought one hundred bottles of tipex. I made a really big mistake!
- I recently got so excited shopping online... I accidentally shipped my pants.
Read Online Jokes
Here is a list of funny read online jokes and even better read online puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation. They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.
But I soon realized it was just spam. - Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to lebron james for $1...... ...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.
Read online on a comment. LOL - What type of online articles do bees read? BuzzFeed
- I read a review for this cheese grater I was buying online... "The most violent book I've ever read" - Helen Keller
- TIL the people most knowledgeable about something Are not the people that work in that industry, but their customers who have done a little online reading. /s
- I remember the old days... When people would get mad if you read their diary. Now they post it online and get mad if you don't read it.
- Learning online with computer Kid: I don't need school. I learn how to read and type using computer and internet.
Dad: That only makes you e-literate. - "It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online." -Abraham Lincoln
- I've always had trouble reading, and I took a test online to find out why. Turns out I have dyxlesia.
- They say only believe half of what you read online Believe what you read online
Online Learning Jokes
Here is a list of funny online learning jokes and even better online learning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two things I learned from online dating geography and disappointment
- I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate..... Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR
- I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning. After all, they were already comfortable on the web.
- We made learning so much easier for the younger generation. They now have schools with smart devices, digital textbooks, and online courses.
We even reduced the planets down to eight. - The Vatican just launched an online learning program for priests. It's called eRectory.
- I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.
- A police officer said to a motorist, "What were you doing? Your car was zigzagging like crazy!" "I'm learning to drive." "Without an instructor in the car?"
"Oh, yes. It's an online course." - You can learn a lot about yourself from online dating... For instance, I used to think I was good looking, charming, and smart.
- How many online courses are offered by the senior learning center? None. They're old school.
- If there's one thing I learned from playing online games... It's that my mom likes having s**... with 12 year old boys
Online Classes Jokes
Here is a list of funny online classes jokes and even better online classes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My classmates laugh at my jokes in in-person classes, but never in online classes. When I asked them why, they told me that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
- Teenage twin boys in a "special needs" class were suspended for online gambling while at school... Turns out they have DoubleDown syndrome.
- I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown But it's all online now
- If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get? An F.
To pay respects. - I do online classes like games... Blame it all on my internet.
- What do you call the online class that comes and goes by really fast, and also likes guys and girls The online class, Zoomed bi
- The Online Biology Class I almost got expelled in an Online Biology c**... course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are.
Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer.
Howlingly Hilarious Online Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about online you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean network jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make online pranks.
Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?
I wouldn't recommend it.
Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.
It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonyms which
don't feel right, just to produce weird, stilted
prose.
You'd be better off giving up, to be honest.
Tip: when making a s**... tape, play Disney music in the background.
That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Son we need to talk.
Son, we need to talk!
Yes, dad?
Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they're garbage and if you keep watching them, you'll go blind!
Dad?
Yes, son?
I'm over here.
After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..
She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?
My s**... life is exactly like my shopping.
I do it all online.
In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to m**... regularly.
The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.
" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a r**... from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the r**... top that, they thought. The r**... calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The r**... won hands down!
Password reset
A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"
"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."
"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"
"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."
"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"
"No, you must get a new one."
"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."
"Sorry, you must get a new one."
"OK, roses."
"Sorry you must use more letters."
"OK, pretty roses"
"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."
"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
"OK, 1prettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use additional characters."
"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."
"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."
"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"
How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you're probably r**....
Did you hear about the new Christian online video game?
It's pretty good, but it's pray2win.
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas g**... and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
Two cats are swimming across a river
One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux t**...." Which cat survives?
"One Two Three"
because un deux t**... cat sank
Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate
What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?
Papal
So I ordered a s**... toy online.
It was so good, even the mail came.
I love buying cardboard boxes online.
You always get one more than you pay for.
I built a staircase using an online tutorial!
When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.
I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online
She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
Spotting Idiots Online
I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.
Sent from my iPhone
I have been talking to this beautiful woman online for a while...
And today I finally got to meet him
Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
I hate it when people lie to me
Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it isn't even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left right there in the middle of the night.
I went to take an online ADHD test today...
but gave up quickly because it was s**... and boring.
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined
Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.
What Do Sound Waves Say To Girls They Meet Online?
Send nodes.
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks
Even if you win, it was a really s**... thing to do.
Daily Mail online: "m**... may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left
A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda
They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one
Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.
It truly is a site for sore eyes.
Slow typing...
After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.
Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..
I read that donations to s**... banks have dropped dramatically...
It's probably because, these days, most men do their banking online...
I met someone online who shares my f**... for urinating on dried fruit...
Next week we're going to go on a date
I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?
I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.
I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up
It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic
I saw a study online that said 1 out of 10 people are gay, which freaked me out because I've had s**... with 10 people
Statistically, that means one of those other dudes was probably gay
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves
Looks like the boa cons tricked her
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...
They say the camera adds ten pounds
But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty
Male or Female Shipping
So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.
She was like what does that mean?
I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.
I think I just made this up.
What do you call an app for an online b**... party?
Facetime.
As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having s**... with kids, m**... being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.
Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!
Tell me please, when will I receive it?
Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games
Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"
Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...
Swede car online!
Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online
My neighbours now take their washing in at night
My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.
Mail privilege...
I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called h**.... He got so many kills but...
It was only because he was Kampfing.
A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat.
You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?
p.s not my joke, found it online
