oneliner Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious oneliner puns

Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford


An orchestra one-liner

I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor


A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.


Tell me your best one-liner. I'll start.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.


So, I was with this blind chick last night.

She said, "You have the biggest penis I ever felt!" I said, "Ahh, you're pulling my leg."


Funny one-liner that George Carlin once wrote.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.


Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."


I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.

I can't afford her, but you probably could.

*(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*


One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."

I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."

What are some other good ones?


A one-liner a came up with.

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!


They say one-liners are the lowest form of comedy

That's why I only tell my jokes to midgets


A one-liner comedian and a geneticist were planning a family

using a pun-net square


Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..


I wrote this funny oneliner on a post-it and placed it on my best friend's back.

I started laughing, but he didn't get it. Thats when I told him: 'The joke is on you, buddy!'


My friend came up with this fabulous one-liner.


Shitty one-liner: Giiirl, you can call me Saturday-Sunday, cuz I'm all you're gonna be doin' this weekend.

Is this a thing? It feels like it has to have been a thing and I just forgot where.


What's dad's best one-liner?

"My wife."


Did you guys hear the one-liner about the Monorail?


Just came up with a one-liner after hearing an ad on the radio

Conflict-free wedding ring is an oxymoron.


A one-liner walks into a bar.


Epicurean One-Liner

The death row inmate eats burgers and fries.


Terrible one-liner I came up with while on autopilot at work.

I'm not saying I'm a sex guru, but I know most of the ins and outs


Are one-liners accepted?

I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean "afraid of xenomorphs".


Just a one-liner...

Boss: "What are you working on?"
Me: "Two hours sleep."


An 80 year old couple have been married for 54 years.

It's a one-liner.


What did Vladimir Putin say after dropping a smashing one-liner?




here lately been feeling a void in my life; it.s probably nothing...


Double Standards [One-Liner]

Sure if a girl wants to be choked it's hot and kinky, but if I want to choke a girl, it's all of a sudden "domestic abuse"


Shortest One-Liner ever

Dwarf shortage


There's two things I hate about one-liner comedy...

For one, I can't finish this joke



ihave a friend who does porn; she says it.s not as hard as it looks...


How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner


Imagine it, you're in an action movie, about to kick down a door and burst into the room killing all the baddies and your witty one-liner is...

Oops wrong theater.


Clever one-liner

I'd rather die than drink water.


A shower is a urinal that flushes on top of your head.

Yeah, it's just a one-liner.


What are the most funny Oneliner jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Oneliner? Well, here are the best Oneliner dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Oneliner pick up lines to share with friends.

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