JokoJokes

One Thousand Jokes

119 one thousand jokes and hilarious one thousand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one thousand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest One Thousand Short Jokes

Short one thousand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one thousand humour may include short thousand jokes also.

  1. A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs? The Indian nap-less 500.
  2. Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.
  3. A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.
  4. There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes They haven't had any gigs yet.
  5. As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.
    Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven.
  6. How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.
  7. What's the difference between COVID-19 and Donald Trump? One is a ruthless force hellbent on killing hundreds of thousands, and the other is a virus.
  8. Funny how when other people repost a joke, they get thousands of upvotes, but when I repost one... It's this one
  9. This one's mainly for Mexicans and Texans. What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?
    "Davey.... are we pouring concrete today??"
  10. The saying goes that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. This must be very frustrating for a fish.

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One Thousand One Liners

Which one thousand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one thousand? I can suggest the ones about ten thousand and hundred.

  1. How heavy is a hipster? One thousand instagrams
  2. How do Chernobyl kids count to one thousand? With their fingers
  3. Once you've seen a thousand stores under one roof… You've seen theMall
  4. This one simple trick will earn you THOUSANDS in WEEKS! Get a job.
  5. Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
  6. A jewish man was giving out 100's and thousands "Does anyone want one?"
  7. I heard the town of Thousand Oaks is changing it's name To One Oak.
  8. What do Mexicans and sperms have in common? A thousand comes in and only one works.
  9. What lies on its back, one thousand feet in the air? Carrie Fisher
  10. My Xbox has thousand problems... ...and the name is ONE.
  11. What has one thousand legs and only two front teeth? Front row at a w**... Nelson concert

One Thousand Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about one thousand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thousands dollars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one thousand pranks.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.


To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.


The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

All my friends, we was ready for the second riot.


No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random it wouldn't be like that.
I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
No, no, this time we had a list.
We were going to get the stuff we need.
Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul..

A man went into a bar in a high rise.


He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.

Patient: "How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?"
Doctor: "Fifty rupees.

"
Patient: "Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?"
Doctor: "Well, I will do it very slowly."
Patient: "How much is for the operation?"
Doctor: "Rupees on thousand."
Patient: "But it was a serious one."
Doctor: "Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days."

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.


For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect.
It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly "we’re going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived.
Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly.
On cue, it started moonwalking.
"What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper The edmonton sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department that could extinguish the blaze. Many departments and trucks from miles around tried but failed, all stopping 200 yards away from the inferno. A small, four man department from a not very well known town went blazing past all the stopped trucks and drove right up to the blown well. Only having two buckets of water and three buckets of sand they quickly dumped all the had and the fire went out. They owner of the well ran up and was over joyed. He asked to chief what they would buy first with the large amount of money. The chief calmly said, "well the first thing im doin is replacing the brakes on this here truck".

An Englishman and a Scotsman find a shiny lamp. After giving it a rub, a genie pops out...

"For freeing me, you shall each have one wish!" says the Genie. "What is it you want the most?"
"Well," says the Englishman, "I'm fed up with all these Scots coming down into England. I wish for a giant wall to be built around England, so that no Scots can ever get in again."
"You wish is my command," says the genie. "It is done.
"What is it that you want, Scotsman?"
After a pause, the Scotsman says, "Tell me about this wall."
"It's a thousand feet high," says the genie, "And three hundred feet across. It covers every inch of England's border. It is made of the strongest concrete, and is unbreakable."
"Good," says the Scotsman. "Fill it with water."

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

An ethnically diverse group of people are doing something…

An African-American, a Mexican-American, Jewish-American, and a white man are walking along the beach in Florida. One of them stumbles over a lamp and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie thanks them from freeing him from the lamp and offers them each a wish. The African-American says, "My native land has suffered from all the people stolen away by slavery. I wish for all my people to be returned to Africa to start a new age of African success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Mexican-American is inspired and says, "My native land has suffered from all the people run out by the cartels and corruption. I wish for all my people to be returned to Mexico to start a new age of Mexican success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The Jewish-American feels the same way and says, "My native land has had my people chased out for thousands of years. I wish for all my people to be returned to Israel to start a new age of Israeli success." As he finishes speaking, p**..., he is gone. The white guy is clearly taken aback with all that has happened. He says, "Let me get this straight, all the black, mexicans, and jews are gone? Lemme get a diet coke."

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.
God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.
"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."
God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.
God asks the third man..."I want all the w**... in the world!" His wish is granted.
1000 years go by.
The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.
The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.
The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.
"Can I have a light."

Hearing aid

An older woman is talking to her neighbor one day about her brand new hearing aid. "It may have cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art, everything sounds great, and so far, I love it!"
Her neighbor asks, "What kind is it?"
She replies, "It's about 12:30. You wanna get some lunch?"

Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What is the difference between a politician and a s**...?

One in thousands has a chance to be a human being.

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:
"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"
The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said
"Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next.
The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said
"Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.
They got to the final general, who promptly said
"I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut"
The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut"
The general said with a big smile on his face:
"I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

There was a Jewish businessman

There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."

Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the star of David " my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you... The beggar with the star of David, turned the the beggar with the cross and said " hey, Moshe, this s**... is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing"

There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."
He says, "What?"
"John. Sell your shop."
John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."
John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.
John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."
"But-"
"Take a hit, John."
John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."
John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.
The voice exclaims,"Un-f**...-believable!"

a teacher asks students

Teacher asks students to tell about their dreams, one of them raises his hands and says: 'my dream is to get 100 thousands dollars monthly like my father'.
teacher got shocked, 'does your father get 100 thousands dollars monthly?' teacher says.
student replies: 'no, my father dreams too'.
(sorry for my English)

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Cool! Can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"
"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.
A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.
"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

A creative writing teacher is having a conference with one of his students about his last piece and the grade he gave the student.

The student asked "Why did you give me an F?" The teacher responds "Have you ever heard that if you place a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters an infinite amount of time, they'll eventually write the works of Shakespeare?" He holds up the paper and says "3 monkeys, 10 minutes."

A man walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano...

He then pulls out a tiny bench and sets it in front of the piano. Finally he pulls out a 9 inch man, puts him on the bench and the tiny man begins to play the piano. Puzzled, the bartender asks the man what's going on. "There's a gypsy down the road granting wishes" replies the man. Immediately the bartender runs down the street and approaches the gypsy. "I wish for a million bucks" says the man. The gypsy tell him his wish will be granted shortly. As the bartender is returning to the bar a duck falls from the sky, then one hundred ducks, then one thousand, and finally one million ducks fall from the sky. Confused the bartender goes back into the bar and tells the man, "I wished for a million bucks and instead I received a million ducks, what went wrong?" The man replies: "And what do you think I wished for? A 9 inch pianist?"

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.

Crows in Boston are dying

The city of Boston has a problem with crows. They are dying by the thousands and the roadways are littered with the carcasses. The problem is only getting worse. Massachusetts' Dept. of Environmental Protection just completed a study of the problem. The crows are being killed when they are struck by trucks, but they manage to avoid being hit by passenger cars. Since crows are scavengers they eat roadkill and are often in large groups on the roads. Being social animals, they are somewhat organized and one or two birds always serve as lookouts to warn the others of danger. The MDEP found that the problem is that although all the Bostonian crows can call out "cah!" none of them can call out "truck!"

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

Heard an old man tell this one

There was a small group of soldiers camped in the middle of a forest. A soldier runs up to the General and says there are hundreds of infantry coming towards them! The General turns to the soldier and screams, "Get my red shirt!". The group manages to defeat the attackers and the soldier asks the General why he wanted the red shirt. The General replies that he wanted the red shirt so that if he got shot the enemy couldn't tell. Psychological warfare he said. Another soldier comes in and tells the General thousands of infantry are now approaching! The General turns to the original soldier and screams , "Get my brown pants!".

The Two Gates of Heaven

When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives" then other labeled "Men who control their wives".
The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line. When God came to check on the lines he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked: "Why are you the only man standing here?"
The man replies: "I don't know my wife told me to stand here"

Finally proves all blondes aren't dumb

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely n**...." With that she strips n**... from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. Then hollers... "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

What does one chauvinist say to the other?

There's a thousand things I'd like to do in my life, and those are just the pretty ones!

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
t**... :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one t**... says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....

You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"
But this one just say "You're s**..."

A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...

A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?

REQUEST: Racist "White" jokes, please.

I know DOZENS of Racist Jokes. But only a couple (not very good) Racist White Jokes.
For example:
Did you hear about the 2 house fire in Mexico?
Thousands died.
Why do Mexican's drive low-riders?
So they can pick strawberries from their car.
A man walks into a Bar with a Parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender says: "Wow, that's awesome! Where can I get one?"
The Parrot Replies: "Africa! There's millions of them!"
Seriously though: I love Black People.
I think everyone should own one.
How do Asians name their children?
They throw their pots and pans in their air and record the sounds:
Ping Bang Pow.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss.
The only "White Joke" I know is:
White people are born purple.
Then turn pink.
When they're mad, they're red.
When they're sick they're green.
When they're scared they're yellow.
When they're cold they're blue.
And have the nerve to call everyone else colored.
So: Does anyone have any "White Jokes" for me?

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_

Even if your a one in a million kind of guy

There are a thousand people just like you in China

China has a population of a billion people.

One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

A man has a conversation with God

Man: How much is a minute to you?
God: A thousand years
Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?
God: A penny
Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?
God: Sure thing, just give me a minute

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"

An old Australian is talking about fighting in the boer wars to a man.

He says "One day we got into a fight twenty thousand, to one."
The man asks "What did you do?"
The old Australian replies "We killed him of course.".

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."

How come there are like a thousand songs about Christmas but only one song about the boys being back in town?

This is not original

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...

You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

A busload of Fat Camp initiates careened off course one day....

It was an estimated thousands of pounds worth of damage.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: *"That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"*
Guy 2 says: *"I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"*
Guy 1 goes: *"Cool, let me see it!"*
He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.
Guys 1 wishes: *"I wish for a million bucks!"*
So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.
Guys 1 says: *"What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"*
Guys 2 says: *"Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"*

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

The Farmer had an ill-tempered Donkey.

The donkey would refuse to plow the fields and would kick any anyone that came close to him. One unfortunate day, the donkey kicked the farmer's wife, who died from the blow. During the f**..., thousands of men showed up from all over the province. Feeling amused, a neighbor asked the farmer, "Thats a lot of men paying their respects. Was your wife popular back in the day?"
The farmer bursts out laughing and says, "No, they're here to buy the donkey!"

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats soon after the video was uploaded. Ted searched for hours on end, trying to discover just one clue as to why his diss tracks were so awful. Finally, he found out why his diss tracks were bad. He realized the reason - he was diss track ted.

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.

*p**...* I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?
I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!
The genie scoffs. Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.
The man thinks for a moment. Hmmm, then I wish that I could actually understand women.
Do you want two lanes or four?

One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet

During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

The recession really has hit hard.

Hundreds and thousands are now known as "ones and tens".

How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?

A hundred thousand!
One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.

Mr.Ferguson always takes the A200 to go to work,

One day, Ms,Ferguson hears on the radio.
« Attention to all listeners on the road today, a car on the A200 is reportedly driving backwards »
Ms.Ferguson, worried, calls Mr.Feguson and says « Honey, I heard on the radio that a car is driving backwards on the A200, be careful »
« It's not one car » says Mr.Ferguson,
« It's thousands of them »

A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died
That's horrible! She replied
Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars
How did you survive? The wife asked.
I stepped outside for a smoke when it caught fire said the husband, to which the wife relied
This is why I've told you a million times to quit smoking!

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Unless the person was communicating in American Sign Language. Then it's only worth one.

A Guy walks in an Irish Pub

I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"

A man who couldn't hear loved to watch anime.

One day, his friend asked him: Did you know that you still owe me two thousand dollars in loans?
NANI!?

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms...

...have nothing to do with each other, I'm just listing things.

How Many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to accuse another country of having lightbulbs, about a couple hundred thousand to find them.