One Sentence Jokes
106 one sentence jokes and hilarious one sentence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one sentence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest One Sentence Short Jokes
Short one sentence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one sentence humour may include short two sentence jokes also.
- My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'... I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...
- Harassment. So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence. A boy stood up and said, "Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me"
- The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences. The good news Is
- If I am is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language... Could it be that I do is the longest one?
- What's the difference between a comma and a coma? One pauses your sentence, the other pauses your life.
- Kid from The Sixth Sense asked to comment on Game Of Thrones and he described it with one sentence. "Icey dead people"
- What's the difference between a mumble rapper and a convict... One of them can finish a sentence.
- A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work. The Pheasant Pluckers defense team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.
- Never end a sentence with a preposition For example: The boy had no one to play a preposition.
Wait… I think I gave two examples above. - What's the difference between people and sentences. People start with a period, sentences end with one.
Share These One Sentence Jokes With Friends
One Sentence One Liners
Which one sentence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one sentence? I can suggest the ones about one phrase and one line.
- Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
- Two ways of driving someone crazy; One is stopping in mid-sentence and
- The shortest sentence known to man is I Am The longest one is I Do
- One sentence horror story: "Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"
- If you have to describe yourself in one sentence what would it be? Lazy.
- Are you a member of the One Word Sentence Association? I'm.
- Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start:
A Dyslexic walks into a bra - The thing about life is: you can't sum it up in one sentence.
- One of easiest ways to make a sentence funny... ... is to words some swap in it.
- Prison sentencing does nothing to stop crime. I can't name a single one its prevented.
- Why couldn't the d**... read more than one sentence? There was a full stop
Comedy One Sentence Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about one sentence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean short paragraph jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one sentence pranks.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a black white and Asian got arrested but the cop said if u can say green pink and yellow in a sentence, then u won't go to jail.
The black didn't know what to say so he went to jail.
The white said "well white guys are pink....." but the cop said wrong order so he went to jail.
So the Asian guy said "well the phone go Green green so i pink up the phone and say yellow"
Three guys are about to be executed.
One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.
They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.
They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.
Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...
One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."
We've all talked to this guy!!
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said; "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skill. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, " You must make a sentence using the words yellow, pink, and green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said. "Mister Manager, I am ready." The Manager said. "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green; and I pink it up, and say 'Yellow', this is Mujibar!" Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him!!
The Nun and her Abbess
A Nun was living in an abbey and had taken a vow of silence. After living there for a year the Abbess calls her to her office and says.
"You have been silent for one year now. I lift your vow so that you may speak one sentence."
the Nun thinks for a moment and says.
"My floor is too cold"
The Abbess nods and thanks the Nun letting her get back to her duties. Another year goes by and again the Abbess summons the Nun to her office.
"You have lived, and worked among us for two years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak two sentences."
again the Nun thinks, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup."
Once more the Abbess thanks the Nun and ushers her out of the office. once again another year rolls around and for the third time the Abbess summons the Nun into her office.
"You have lived, worked, and prayed, among us for three years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak three sentences."
The Nun thinks really hard for a few moments, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup. and, the halls are too dusty."
The Abbess takes a hard look at the Nun and says.
"That is it. I have had enough. You must leave this place tonight. three years here and all you have ever done is complain."
Once upon a time...
...an evil witch put a curse on a prince, which only allowed him to say and/or write one word per year, and could only be broken through mairrage. Well, shortly after recieving the curse, the prince fell in love with the most beautiful of princesses in all of the land.
So the prince waited *thirteen long years,* saving his words up for one sentence that he said to the princess one fateful morning.
"Madam, I love you and have for many years. Will you marry me?" The prince said after carefully plotting out his words,
The princess turned around and said "Come again?"
The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
Easy way to farm
A man robbed a bank and hid out for a year before getting caught by the police but they still don't know where the money is.
When he gets caught he's sentenced to 25 years in prison.
While in prison he gets a call so he calls his wife and after a little conversation about life she asks,
"I don't know when to plant the potatoes, when is a good time to plant the potatoes and should I hire someone to till the garden?"
He replies "I'll have the rototilling done by tomorrow, you can plant them right afterwards."
Confused she just says "ok." And hangs up the phone.
Afterwards while the man is sitting in his cell he tells one of the guards " I can't hold it in any longer, I buried the money in my garden."
The Beauty of English...
Ever Noticed How Deleting One Word After The Other In A Sentence Can Lead To A Story?
e.g
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At All...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me At...
Oh John Please Don't Touch Me...
Oh John Please Don't Touch...
Oh John Please Don't...
Oh John Please...
Oh John...
Ohhh...
...
A newly appointed priest is speaking to his congregation for the first time...
He tells them "welcome to St James church, where you can be rest assured that we will not touch your children". He delivers a stunning message but chimes in that he "will not touch your children" every five minutes. As he is meeting and greeting, every five minutes he mentions "I won't touch the children".
He has dinner with some of the families. During the meal he continues to remind them how he won't touch their kids. One of the mothers finally speaks up "Father, you are a man of the Lord. We trust you and know that you will not touch our children. There is no reason to keep stating it so often."
"I know right!" he replies, "I told that to the judge at my parole sentencing but he's *still* making me do this!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Customer Support
A foreign man applied for a job as an outsourced customer support representative. At the end of his interview, the company hiring him was very impressed.
"Well Mujibar, we really think you'd make a great employee, we just have one more test for you to pass the interview. We need you to use the words 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow' all in the same sentence.
He thought for a moment, and in a thick foreign accent he said "The phone goes 'green, green,' and I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Mujibar, how may I help you today?'"
3 guys are sentenced to death...
They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is left free. Before he leaves, he says to the second guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the second guy, and when they ask him how he wants to die, he confidently says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". The chair fails again, so he is free. Before leaving, he says to the third guy "the electric chair is broken"."Gotcha" says the third guy. When they ask him how he wants to die, he says "getting shot is too violent, the electric chair is broken, I choose being hanged".
Be verbs.
The teacher asked the class to stand one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.
"She is beautiful", said Kate.
"My dogs are fat", shouted Mark.
"I is...", stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.
"You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", said she.
As fast as he could, Joe uttered,
"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Asking for her hand...
A guy went to his girlfriend's house for dinner to gain her father's permission for marriage. After the dinner, she and her mother went to the kitchen while her father and the guy sat down in the living room to talk this through.
The father said, "Okay son, I understand the purpose of this visit. You have come to ask permission for my daughter's hand in marriage from me. I will make this short and easy for you so we can get this finished quickly and talk about the real, interesting stuff like that game last night, haha. So, what I want from you is to summarise in just one sentence, the answer to this question: Why do you want her hand?"
The guy thinks for a while, and then replies, "Well, sir, you see... my hand has grown kind of tired by now..."
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar.
An professor from Cambridge and a Dubliner walk into a bar. The professor says to the Dubliner "If you can put the words defeat, defence and detail into one sentence I will buy you the finest beer you could ever ask for" so the Dub replies "De horse jumped ova da fence da feat came first and da tail came last"
A Mexican guy goes looking for a job
He finds one that he's interested in and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says "Fine I'll hire you, but only if you can make a full sentence out of three words I give you." The man nods ok. "The words are- Green, Pink and Yellow." The guy thinks for a second and says ok. "The phone goes green green so I pink it up and say yellow!
My girlfriend just text me that she really hates periods...
I told her without them, life would just be one long run-on-sentence
A pair of twins have a deal...
They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.
It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.
There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch....
There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch because he insulted her. With this curse he could only communicate by saying one word per year, or, if he didn't speak for several years he could build up a sentence.
Several years after being cursed, he meets the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He waits 2 years just so he can say 'My darling' to this woman as a way of showing expressing to her his intentions.
After waiting 2 years he realises that he is in love with this woman and so he decides to wait another 3 years in order to tell her this.
Having waited for 5 years to talk to this woman, he is committed to marrying her so he waits a further 4 years to ask her to marry him.
Finally, having waited 9 years he approaches his love and says, 'My Darling, I love you. Will you marry me?' With a dainty hand she brushes her hair behind her ear, turns to him with a loving smile and says, 'Pardon?'
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
[This is a spoiler sentence.](/Have an ice day.)
I saw a front page post today about a woman who hasn't experienced a period in 15 years.
That's one long sentence.
Sentences
A man is at a bar and says, "did you know that 'I am' is he shortest sentence in the English language?"
The bartender exclaims, "Did you know 'I do' is the longest one?"
(Was in the comics today so I thought I would share.)
Court judge orders Jared Fogle to have one particular Subway sandwich every day for the duration of his sentence.
a 12 inch Black Forest Ham.
The Little Rascals do some spelling
The Little Rascals are sitting in class one day when the teacher decides it's time to do some spelling. She says "okay students it's time to spell our word of the day. Today's word is DICTATE. Who thinks they can spell it?"
Spanky, being the leader that he is, raises his hand first "I can teacher!"
-"Ok spanky, go ahead"
-"Dictate. D-y-c.."
The teacher interrupts him and says "sorry Spanky but that's incorrect. Anyone else?"
-"I think I can!" proclaims Alfalfa.
-"Alright Alfalfa, go ahead" says teacher.
-"Dictate. D-i-t-c.."
Again, teacher interrupts Alfalfa "sorry Alfalfa but that's also incorrect. "Anybody else?"
-"I'll try" says Buckwheat.
-"Alright Buckwheat go ahead" says the teacher
-Buckwheat starts "Dictate. D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
-"Good job Buckwheat!" says the teacher. "Now can you use it in a sentence?"
Buckwheat thinks for a moment then looks over at Darla and says
"HEY DARLA! HOW MY DICTATE LAST NIGHT???"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…
Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.
However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.
The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.
20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"
The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.
The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are two ways to trigger a nuclear chain reaction: ...
The first involves hitting uranium with accelerated protons. The second is mentioning Hillary and Feminism in one sentence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**... from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher.
Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.
"Nick," said the teacher, "make a sentence with the words 'defeat,' 'defense,' 'deduct,' and 'detail.'"
Nick thought for a few minutes then smiled. He shouted, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!"
A teacher asks the class to use translator in a sentence...
One kid responds: James was just a male at first, but he became a translator.
Google - Boy or Girl?
Teacher : Google is a girl or a boy..?
..
..
..
Student: Google is a Girl.....because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and start guessing, suggesting.....and
you ask only one question.....
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Newspapers represent real life...
There is both black and white, but b**... are the only ones that get sentences
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where y'all from?
Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
Judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison.
convict: (whispers to lawyer)
lawyer: my client has requested that you add one more year.
One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence
The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:
Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'm a tree!"
The teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence.
The 1st student goes.."i like the colors green, yellow and pink"
the 2nd student goes.."the grass is green, sun is yellow, and my shirt is pink"
the 3rd one, an asian, goes.."my phone went green green so i pinked it up and said 'yellow?'"
A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.
"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."
My friend asked me what an oxymoron was.
I thought the best way to teach him was to use one in a sentence, so I said "The other day, I had Ethiopian food for dinner."
There once was a beautiful Chihuahua and she had 3 Chihuahua suitors. She told them she would date the one who could most creatively use the words Liver and Cheese in a sentence.
The first Chihuahua said he likes his liver with a little cheese.
The second Chihuahua said he likes his cheese with a little liver.
The third Chihuahua said, Liver alone! Cheese Mine!
A professor in South africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.
Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.
The Last Exam
(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery in one sentence.
Oh my God, I am pregnant, I wonder who the father is ....
Prison may be just one word
But to others, it's a whole sentence
I fell asleep after posting this and woke up seeing it on the front page, thanks guys!
I bought a book on "How to save money". There is only one sentence in it
"You shouldn't have bought this book"
Use the words chicken, nut, and bread in one sentence.
When my sister got pregnant, my Filipino mother told my dad to stop choking her because chicken nut bread.
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
A guy was caught stealing batteries
He told the judge it was an addiction, so he sentenced him to one year of AA meetings.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.
A man is on trial for robbery...
A man is on trial for robbery, and it's a clear cut case.
The prosecution is sure that they've got this one in the bag.
The judge begins to read the final decision, saying, "Alright, I'm going to sentence you right here and now unless there's anything you can say to change my mind"
The man stands up and shouts "Your honor, wait! I had just cause!"
The prosecution looks nervous. There's a murmur in the courtroom.
The judge looks surprised, and says, "Really? What was your just cause?"
The man shrugs and says "...Just 'cause!"
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."
A U.S. warship is conducting war exercises off the coast of N. Korea
The captain accidentally launches a live cruise missile at N. Korea. The missile strikes Pyongyang and kills Kim Jong Un. The captain goes on trial and is found guilty. President Trump attends the sentencing hearing due to its importance. The captain begs Trump for a pardon explaining that he killed one of out countries greatest adversaries and it was by accident.
Trump walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "No pardon. He was my friend."
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
One of my favourites
For this joke I will need a friend. Enjoy!
Me: After each sentence I will say, you respond with "I'm a man"
Tommy: Ok
Me: You go to the club
Tommy: I'm a man
Me: You see a girl
Tommy: I'm a man
Me: You talk to her
Tommy: I'm a man
Me: You take her to your place
Tommy: I'm a man
Me: You put her in your bed
Tommy: I'm a man
Me: And she tells you
Tommy: I'm a man
A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence
One of the student raises his hand and says: My big brother is really depressed nowadays
The teacher asks: why ?
The kid goes: he broke up with his girlfriend
So the teacher asks the student and how is this relevant?
He says: Harassment a lot to him
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.
The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.
