One Question Jokes
120 one question jokes and hilarious one question puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one question that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Question Short Jokes
Short one question jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one question humour may include short question jokes also.
- A company owner was asked a question, How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking." - School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I'm going home now. - Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
- I went out dressed as a chicken last night. and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.
- Just an innocent question Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Brad Pitt's is short, Madonna does not have one, and the Pope doesn't use it.
What is it?
>!A last name.!< - I used to work as a bed salesman One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.
- The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home." One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"
"It was me, goodbye." - How many people does it take to change a light bulb? Is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....
- Hey guys quick question, can you put a pin back in a grenade? Gonna need a fast answer for this one...
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One Question One Liners
Which one question one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one question? I can suggest the ones about one word answer and one word.
- What do you call an inquisitive amphibian? One that axolotl questions
- Dad what do condoms do? Prevent questions like that one son.
- How does one question the sanity of the fastest man alive? U Sain Bolt?
- Dad, can I ask you two questions ? Yes, son. Now, what's your second one ?
- If USB ports could talk, they'd only ask one question. Is it in yet?
- I have just one question for my car's gas cap… Whose side are you on?
- To what question does an idiot not know the answer? This one.
- When looking up Nier: Automata cosplay I ask myself this one question 2B or not 2B
- What Does John Cena Look Like? Trick Question, No One Has Seen John Cena.
- One white man asks the question
- If you could Ask God one Question, what would you ask.? Next Weeks Lotto Numbers
- Chuck Norris crossed the road.
No one has ever dared question his motives. - Chuck Norris has never taken a test, because no one questions Chuck Norris.
- What happened to tge sphinx's nose? Trick question; no one nose...
- When my wife tells me to jump I have only one question... Why aren't you in the kitchen?
Playful One Question Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about one question you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean question answer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one question pranks.
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy c**...! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven.
They ask God if he'd answer one question.
"Of course" God says.
They ask how the Democrats rigged the election in 2020.
"It wasn't rigged" God replies.
The Trump supporters look at each other and say, "This conspiracy goes higher than we thought!"
Is Google a boy or a girl ?
Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...
Discrimination
Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."
"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"
"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"
"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
Dean of Women...
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on s**... morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?
A young priest...
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**... stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a b**...." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**....
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**...?"
And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same as on the street."
Philosophy final
in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
All anti-semites
Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"
Isaac " I am telling you! They are! I asked all of them one question, and they all gave me the same answer."
Boss: "But... what was that question?"
Isaac: " I asked waht would they think if we exterminate all the jews and all the hairdressers"
Boss: "Hairdressers? Why the hairdressers?"
Isaac: "See? You're all the same"
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on s**... morality......
In moments of temptation, said the speaker to the class, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: How do you make it last an hour?
A man is arrested for killing a condor
A man is arrested for killing an endangered condor. Before the judge, the man says, "Your honor, I only killed the condor to feed my hungry family."
The judge says, "Well, I can't charge a man for feeding his family. And I'm curious so I'll let you off with a warning if you answer one question. What did it taste like?"
The man says, Somewhere between a bald eagle and a baby seal."
A man finds a genie who claims to be all-knowing...
The genie says the man may ask him one question, about anything he could possibly imagine, and he will answer truthfully.
The man, amazed, replies, "wow, and you'll know the correct answer to literally any question I ask?"
The genie answers, "yes." And disappears.
trump challenged Tillerson to an IQ test, and there was only one question on the test...
If the President of the United States and the President of the US v**... Islands are in an elevator, how many people are in the elevator?
A guy(M) went to the bar with a girl(F) that was way out of his league
F: So what do you want to drink?
M: I'll just be having water.
F: You've come to a bar just to have water? Don't you wanna get drunk?
M: One question. If I get drunk and extremely vulnerable, would you take advantage of this?
F: No. Absolutely not.
M: Then what's the point of drinking then.
Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.
Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Hawaii.
Chuck can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass..................at night.
When Chuck is in Rome, they do what HE does.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one questions why.
God allows animals to ask him one question...
The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.
The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.
The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.
Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.
Have you had a little Captain in you?
Son comes home after giving an exam.
Dad: So, how was the exam?
Son: I knew all the answers, but one question got me confused.
Dad: What was the question?
Son: Well, the question was 'What's the past tense of *think*? '. I didn't know the answer, so I thought and thought and finally wrote *thank*.
The entrance exam for medical college had just one question
if a young woman faints ,the first thing you need to do is to feel her PU_S_ .
Those who answered PULSE , passed and the rest are reading this joke
p**... the Irishman arrives at the Gates of Heaven...
...and is greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to p**... "You may enter, p**..., but first you must answer one question."
He then asks p**... "What is the the name of thy Lord?"
p**... replies "Harold."
"Harold?" asks St. Peter, "How did you arrive at that?"
"Oh, it's in the Lords Prayer... Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name".
Being an engineer, I went for an interview. They just asked one question...
Interviewer : What's the value of pi?
Me : 3
*Hired*
A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."
Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."
A man finds a mysterious looking gem buried deep in the desert.
He proceeds to clean the gem when suddenly a genie pops out.
Genie: My name is Hughe mhist ake and I will answer any ONE question no matter what it is. Ask me about the past, present or future and I shall answer.
Man: Amazing! If I ask you how I will die, will I be able to change the future so that I won't?
Genie: that would have been possible yes. Goodbye
Two 9/11 Truthers die together in a car c**...
They go to heaven and stand before God.
God says: "You may get a truthful answer to one question."
First one says: "Who really did 9/11?"
God says: "A bunch of al-Qaeada terrorists"
Second one whispers to the first: "Wow, this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!"
I watched Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. It was definitely a good movie, but one question was left unanswered, and it keeps me up at night.
I'll never be able to figure out why is Gamora.
After our house burnt down, the police said it could be someone we know...
My wife and I had one question. "Could it be arson?"
An Italian went to church to admit his sins.
When the father opened the confessional's window, man stated talking:
-Father, I have done sin. During ww2 in my neighborhood lived a very beautiful Jewish girl, who asked if I could hide her from the Germans.
Father answered:
-Well, that's bravery and not sin.
The man continued:
-But it wasn't just that. I started to collect "rent" in form of s**.... First once a week, but eded up to every day and twice on Sundays.
Father said:
-That time meny people surely did the same. Thus your sins are forgiven and you are free to go home.
The man still continued:
-Father, I still have one question. Should I tell the woman, that the war is over.
There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.
He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".
The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"
I want to open up a toupée shop.
So when someone questions themselves about buying one, I can say, "toupée or not toupée? That is the question."
Google - Boy or Girl?
Teacher : Google is a girl or a boy..?
..
..
..
Student: Google is a Girl.....because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and start guessing, suggesting.....and
you ask only one question.....
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...
WMD
Donald Trump says intelligence points to Covid-19's origins in a Chinese laboratory. Now, i'm not saying that it wasn't developed in a Chinese lab, and i'm not saying that his intelligence agency's could be wrong. But i do have one question - Have we found the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq yet?
Chipotle is the best place to do drugs
Because no one questions if you spend a lot time in the bathroom, and come out looking terrible.
In light of recent discoveries, I made a joke
A conspiracy theorist died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told the conspiracy theorist You may ask me one question, and I will reply honestly.
The conspiracy theorist thought for some time and asked Did h**... escape death in WWII and move to Argentina, where he still resides today?
St. Peter replied no, he committed s**... in Berlin as the Soviet Red Army advanced into the city.
The conspiracy theorist thought to himself wow, this goes even deeper than I thought!
Let's see where this goes...
Q. What did one question say to the other?
A. What did one question say to the other?
A man hopped in a bar
Bartender : Sir, why are you hopping ?
Man : i made a bet with my friends for $3000 that you're gonna ask me two questions when you see me. The first question is $1000 and the second is $2000.
Bartender: I've only asked one question tho, what's the second one?
Man: Thank you for my $3000
Doctor one question: am I going to play the piano after the surgery?
Yes of course. Yo will play the piano wonderfully!
That's great cause I've never played the piano before.
Islamic Star Trek?
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in
America ."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.
"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
Three nuns die and go to heaven
Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The cops suspected that the fire that destroyed our house was intentional.
My wife had one question for me: Could it be arson?
TIL the one question Elon Musk asks all candidates before they are hired...
Can I get a loan?
Filling out job applications can be confusing; one question asked Have you ever had s**... with a minor?
I answered No, of course not. But I done it with a lumberjack once.
A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . .
One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."
Johny has lately written a short email to his brother while asking him only one question in this email:
Hi brother, I am writing to you, I only would like to know, tell me:
How is your fianceé?
The Johny´s brother reply was only:
Hi John, her brother is doing well.
Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car the tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
On the day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at
his watch, and says you may begin the test .
The four boys open their final booklet and to their surprise they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Trump..
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen here in America."
President Trump says, "Well your excellency, anything I can do to help you?"
The Saudi whispers "My son watches your show *Star Trek* and in it there are Russians, and b**..., and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Trump smiles and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back: "Well, Star Trek takes place in the future."
Three Nuns
Three nuns are walking down a street when they get hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck; dead on impact. Now they are waiting at the gate to be let into heaven. They are told they each have to answer one question correctly to be let in. If they answer wrong, they go straight to h**.... The first nun is asked what was the name or the first woman. She says Eve; bells ring and the gate opens. The second nun is asked what was the name of the first man. She answers Adam, and she is allowed to enter. The final nun was asked the first thing Eve said to Adam. So sits and thinks for twenty minutes or so before finally giving up and saying "That's a hard one." The bells ring and the gate opens.
s**... with Ghost
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, a young Arab student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Arab student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have s**... with a
ghost?'
The student replied, "Wallah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...
Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.
In a booming voice God said, Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.
Obama asked, Will there ever be another black president?
God replied, Yes. But not during your lifetime.
Trump asked, Will liberals ever think I was a good president?
God said, Yes. But not during your lifetime.
Hillary asked, Will I ever be president of the United States?
God answered, Yes. But not during MY lifetime.
One day a snail goes to the dealership
The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and he says he doesn't care what the car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, Would it be possible to get the letter 'S' painted onto all sides of the vehicle?
The dealer said Yes, that could be arranged for a fee but if I may ask why 'S'?
The snail replies When I pass people on the freeway I want them to look at me and say 'Wow, look at that 'S' car go!'
Four college students decide to get drunk before their final exam.
Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the make up test the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test .
The four boys open their final booklet and to their surprise they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
A man was being interviewed at a job interview...
...and the interviewer was thoroughly impressed.
The man was eloquent in speaking and seemed highly fit for the job.
However, one question lingered in the interviewer's mind...
So you seem very skilled and fit for the job. However, I have one question, why were you unemployed for 4 years?
The man replies:
Oh, I was in Yale.
The interviewer, impressed by the man being able to be enrolled in such an exclusive school, hires him on the spot.
The man, overcome with joy, whips out his phone and calls his wife and shouts:
Honey, I did it! I got the yob!
A Close Shave
An older man getting his hair cut said to the barber, I have very loose skin on my face so I can never seem to get a good close shave. Any ideas?
The barber handed him a small wooden ball and said, Place this in your mouth and roll it around to whichever side I'm shaving. It will stretch out the skin and I'll give you the best shave you've had in years.
The man did what the barber said and sure enough. his face was smooth as silk after the shave. He spit out the wooden ball and said, I just have one question- What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that wooden ball?
You'd bring it back in a few days, like everyone else does.
A journalist traveled to the South Pole to interview 100 penguins..:
The journalist had them all line up and ask all of them one question: what is your typical day like?
The first penguin answered, I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.
Then the journalist went to the second penguin for its response, which was, I eat, I swim, I sleep, and I hit my friend up.
The journalist went through 99 penguins who all have the identical answer. When he finally reached the 100th penguin, he asked, what is your typical day like?
The last penguin said, I eat, I swim, and I sleep.
Confused, the journalist asked, don't you hit your friend up too?
The penguin answered, my name is Up!
Gorbachev, Reagan, and Thatcher all meet God.
God says "I'll answer one question from each of you."
Reagan asks "How long will it be before the American people are happy, healthy, and living in prosperity?"
God replies "50 years."
Reagan starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"
Thatcher says "What about the British people? How long until they're all happy?"
God says "100 years."
Thatcher starts to weep as well, saying "I won't live long enough to see it!"
Gorbachev asks "What about the Soviet people?"
God starts to weep, and says "I won't live long enough to see it!"
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"
God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated by Al-Qaeda and orchestrated by o**... Bin Laden. No bombs were planted in the Twin Towers, and no missiles hit the Pentagon. The U.S. government had no foreknowledge of the attacks whatsoever."
The conspiracy theorist thinks to himself, *this goes even deeper than I thought...*
I have one Question for you before we drown.......
............WAAAAAAAATEEEEEER THOOOOOOOSE
A man meets his new neighbor for the first time as his neighbor arrives home from work.
He says to the man "Hi, I'm Todd, your next door neighbor, nice to meet you. I just have one question for you, when is your birthday?" The neighbor asks "Why would you want to know that?" Todd replies "I want to buy you a pair of blinds for your window, because in the last week I've seen you having s**... with your wife every night!". The neighbor says "Well that's awfully nice of you, when's your birthday?" Todd says "Why would you want to know that for?" The neighbor says " Because for your birthday I'm going to buy you some binoculars, that way you can see who's wife it really is, because I'm not married..."
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech
and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and b**..., and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi. "It's because it takes place in the future..."
Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida
They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"What's that?"
"How do you start a flood?"
Three Nuns die and go to heaven.
Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each.
The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?"
The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through.
The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve"
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The second nun walks through.
The third nun was then asked "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"
The nun, stumped by the question, says "Boy, that's a hard one."
The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open.
A cop pulls over three elderly woman..
The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"
Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"
The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"
Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgive me"
The cop: "Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay?"
Old lady driver: "Oh yeah she'll be fine....we just got off of route 115"
A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are all interviewed for the same job...(my statistics teacher in college told the class this joke)
Each of them are brought into the bosses office individually and asked only one question.
The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"
The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."
Finally, the statistician is brought in.
"What's 2 + 2?"
The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"
Law Interpretation
Alex failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.
Alex: Sir, Can I ask you one question?
Professor: Yes.
Alex: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading.
Professor agreed.
Alex asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
The following day, Professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands......
He asked one student. He answered:
Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. He tells the first joke and is met with roaring laughter. He thinks to himself "I wonder if I can get away with telling the same joke again." He tells the joke a second time and is again met with lots of laughs. He repeats this joke for the entirety of his 45 minute set. During his performance, he notices a gentleman in the back just nodding and smirking. After the comedian leaves the stage, the man approaches him and says "That was quite the show." The comedian replies "Thanks. I'm glad you liked it." The man then says "I have one question for you: how do you remember all that?"
Two friends are out playing golf...
One of them is checking out his buddy's clubs.
"Looks like a decent set-up you have there," he says. "But just one question-- why one earth do you carry a 1-iron?"
"Well, I bring that with me just in case there's a thunderstorm," the friend replies.
"What do you mean?"
"Whenever I see lightning overhead, I immediately grab my bag, run out to the center of the fairway, and hold that club straight up in the air."
Taken aback, the first guy asks, "Why would you do that!?"
"Because," his friend says, "Even God can't hit a 1-iron!"
An Indian chief goes into town...
For the day to run some errands for the tribe. When he comes back everyone notices that he is carrying a box of things he purchased. Inside they see there is a light bulb.
They found this quite odd, considering they didn't have electricity. Of course, he is the chief so no one questions him. As the day is coming to an end, they are very perplexed about this light bulb. Finally someone asks him, "chief, why did you buy a lightbulb if we have no electricity?"
In response the chief calls together the whole tribe. He gets them to all stand in a big circle. Next he places the lightbulb in the dirt in the exact middle of the circle. Finally he commands everyone to join hands together.
Miraculously, the light immediately begins to illuminate when everyone joined their hands.
The chief then speaks in a very chief ten commanding voice, "many hands make light work."
