One Phrase Jokes
45 one phrase jokes and hilarious one phrase puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one phrase that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Phrase Short Jokes
Short one phrase jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one phrase humour may include short one sentence jokes also.
- My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling. I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.
- Say what you will about Ajit Pai, but he helped me with one thing... Understanding the phrase "lying through your teeth".
- One of the main differences between men and women Is the meaning of the phrase, "I used an entire box of tissues watching that movie."
- Did you hear the phrase one man's trash is another man's treasure? Was my favorite saying, until my parents said it to indicate I was adopted
- One mans trash, is another mans treasure. Phenomenal, well thought out phrase, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.
- All-Girls High School "The number one most commonly used phrase in any all-girls high school is 'behind my back!'
The second most common is 'right to my face!'"
- Celia Pacquola - As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.
- There's only one phrase my girlfriend responds to when we have our intimate time together Hey Siri
- You can tell if a guy is gay or straight by You can tell if a guy is gay or straight by how he emphasizes in the phrase:
"One man's junk is another man's treasure" - Good news everyone! I've found another person who's voice you can hear in your head when reading one single phrase.... AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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One Phrase One Liners
Which one phrase one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one phrase? I can suggest the ones about words phrases and one word.
- I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.
- Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
- What's the one phrase g**... will be reluctant to say now? "Shoot it in my mouth"
One Phrase Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about one phrase you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean word phrase jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one phrase pranks.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said e**....
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...
to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese h**.... In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his hotel room with a Japanese lady of the night.
As they begin to had a good ole time, she starts yelling almost immediately "Machigatta ana!". Not understanding Japanese, he thinks he is doing an AMAZING job. I mean he has her screaming at the top of her lungs the same phrase over and over "Machigatta ana!!". Thinking she is screaming in pleasure he then proceeds to scream this pleasure phrase as well "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ANA!!!".
The next day the Japanese and American man go golfing. The American man goes up for his turn and hits the ball to which all the Japanese men yell "MACHIGATTA ANA!!". Confused, the American man turns to them and asks "I'm sorry, What does that mean?" To which one of the men replies "Oh, it mean 'Wrong Hole' ".
Thank god
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thank God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thank God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thank God," he said as he mopped his brow...
A lady approaches her priest
and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
So, a man goes on a business trip..
To Japan, he gets there during the night and is pretty nervous about the business meeting so he decides to order up a p**..., a fine lady walks into his room and they make love for hours, the entire time she is going wild, taking it from behind and screaming "Machigatta ana" after he finishes he's feeling pretty relaxed so he goes to bed.
The following day he meets up with his business clients and they tell him they are taking him to one of Japan's best golf courses. The man is excited as he loves golf and off they go, all is going well and on the 7th hole, a par three, one of the Japanese men gets a hole in one! All the men are ecstatic, jumping up and down when the businessmen gets an idea, he will impress the Japanese men by using the phrase the p**... used the night before, it must have been something good right?! So he loudly proclaims "Machigatta ana!" And both the Japanese men look back at him puzzled and say "huh? No, That's the right hole.."
Take it Like a Man
"Take it like a man" is a phrase that means something completely different if one is hit in the c**....
2 parrots
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window
The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"
One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.
Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word."
The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel."
The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time.
Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you."
The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer".
The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."
An American goes to Japan....
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
A young married couple are shy about s**...
and it was difficult for them the talk about it to each other. They decided to use an innocent phrase if they wanted to do the deed. They came up with the idea to call s**... "doing the wash".
One night the young husband asked his wife if she wanted to go do the wash. She told him she was not in the mood, and he went to bed alone. The wife began to feel bad that she had denied her husband his pleasure, and shortly followed to the bedroom and told him that they could do the wash, to which he replied, "That's okay dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."
My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.
I have a dream...
That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.
Phrase of the day
An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."
A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...
he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".
Looking for jokes with "Where do" and "When do"
I teach English in Japan, and my next lesson is "Where/when do". For instance, "Where do you play tennis?"
I'm looking for some clean jokes that start with either of these phrases.
So far, the only one I have is
"Where do cows go on the weekends?"
"The mooooovies."
Any help is appreciated!
I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.
In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.
Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.
Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.
Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.
Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.
"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."
Help me with this Vampire joke
I did think of a joke today but I can't get it right.
Is about no one wants to come second at the Vampire olympics because they can't have silver.
Can someone help me how one could phrase this joke?
Parrots and the Priest
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
GOD SENT YOU
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no s**... in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
Wanna do some laundry?
So a married couple, trying to keep their s**... private from their kids, use the phrase "wanna do some laundry?" when they want to have s**....
One day the husband comes home and asks his wife, "hey, wanna do some laundry?" To which she replies, "no laundry is getting done today. I have a headache."
The husband comes home the next day and asks again, but his wife responds, "I already told you no laundry is getting done in this house."
Five days later the wife asks the husband, "hey wanna do some laundry?" And he replies, "no thanks. I had a small load so I did it by hand."
A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a p**....
He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.
The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his p**... used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen turns to him and says, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
An American businessman
An American businessman travels to Japan to do business with a Japanese company.
He is in his 50's so he hasn't had s**... in years so he decided to hire a p**... .
He led her to his room and started railing on her , it was great s**... but she kept on yelling this same Japanese phrase that he didn't know.
A couple months later he was back in America and was golfing with his Japanese friend.
His friend was really great at golf and he got a whole in one .
He wanted to impress his friend on his Japanese so he said the same phrase that the p**... told him.
His Japanese friend turned to him confused and said
Wrong hole?
Did the person who came up with the term "one hit wonder"...
...ever come up with another phrase?
I don't think so.
I was bitten by a Great White at a Florida beach.
I mean, he used the phrase "a**... Superior," but either way that was one coked-out skinhead.
There is only one mother
Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own p**... but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of v**... from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <
We had an e**... in one of our chemistry labs last week.
Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.
We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.
One of the substances we cannot use it for is sodium. Even though it does not react with the helium, sodium in an environment with something it can't react with actually causes it to destabilize. In the correct stoichiometric ratio (8:3), it can actually explode. The chemists have a phrase they use to remind themselves of this:
Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, He He He, goodbye.
The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"
Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.
and oldie but a goodie
back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.
when his friend sent it back, he had written one word in the corner of the scroll "f**..." fuming, the monk stomped over to his friend's dwelling and demanded an explanation. to this his friend simply said "the seven winds could not move you, and yet a single f**... sends you all the way across the river"
A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.
-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''
One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?
-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.
-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.