One Night Stand Jokes
112 one night stand jokes and hilarious one night stand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one night stand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Night Stand Short Jokes
Short one night stand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one night stand humour may include short night stand jokes also.
- What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry. - I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"
- What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
- I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly... She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
- I had a one night stand and then got married Now we have two night stands.
(One on each side of the bed) - My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
- I was shocked to learn the girl working at IKEA reported me to her manager. All I did was ask, "How much for the one night stand?"
- A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand.
- I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.
- What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker? Nut and bolt.
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One Night Stand One Liners
Which one night stand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one night stand? I can suggest the ones about nightstand and friends with benefits.
- What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out. - What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
- What's the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.
- The woman at the furniture store keeps calling! All I wanted was the one night stand.
- Do you know what a robot does on one night stand? Nuts and bolts.
- What do you call a robots one night stand? A nut and bolt
- I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week... He never called me back.
- What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? – He nuts and bolts.
- What do mechanics call one night stands? Nuts & bolts
- IKEA won't stop calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
- Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
- I wish the furniture store would stop calling me. I just wanted the one night stand :/
- What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts
- This furniture store keeps emailing me... All I wanted was one night stand!
- Why does a robot do during a one night stand? Nuts and bolts
One Night Stand Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about one night stand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quickie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one night stand pranks.
It's all in the position.
A father and son were standing in the front yard one day and the son notices two dogs having s**.... He asks "dad what they are doing?" The father replies "they are making puppies." A few nights later the son walks in on his mother and father having s**... and asks " dad what are y'all doing?" The father says "we're making babies." The son quickly replies " well turn her over, I want a puppy!"
Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Why do people who like b**... shy away from anonymous one-night stands?
There's no strings attached.
A wife told her man to leave....
after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
One night stand
A guy finishes up b**... a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a v**... I would have taken it a little easier."
The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."
Strange music
In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.
A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-sounding music wafting up from Beethoven's fresh burial plot. Terrified, the man runs through the streets, screaming about ghosts in the graveyard.
Pretty soon he's gathered quite a crowd around the grave, all muttering to each other about devils and ghosts. Finally one man makes his way to the front of the crowd, squats down by the grave, and listens.
"Why... that's Beethoven's Ninth Sympony, but... it's playing backwards!" He listens some more. "There's his Eighth Symphony, also backwards! ... And the seventh.... sixth..."
Finally he stands up and addresses the crowd. "My good people, you have nothing to fear. This is simply Mr. Beethoven decomposing."
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.
I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some b**... and groaning from the other side of the door.
She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the p**...
in long relationship you gently remove the p**...
in marriage you wash and dry the p**.... then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
Foreign s**...
A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .
A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.
Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"
What do you call and a one night stand gone bad?
A relationship.......
What do you call a s**... toy bought at IKEA?
A "One Night Stand"
A guy wakes up after a one night stand and looks at the woman in his bed...
He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."
One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again...
I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another.
One Night Stand
This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
One night stand
I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.
Christmas: One woman's lie about a one night stand that got completely out of hand.
I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.
I'm a one night stand kind of man.
TIFU By having one night stand
It broke and I don't have another to replace it with
I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...
I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.
A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.
I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand
An economist found himself one night in a bar standing beside a gorgeous woman.
"Would you be willing to sleep with me for $1 million? he asked her.
She looked him over. There wasn't much to see—but still, $1 million! She agreed to go back to his room.
All right then, he said. Would you be willing to sleep with me for $100?
A hundred dollars! she shot back. What do you think I am, a p**...?
We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating the price.
Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand
but there were 2! Mighty pleased.
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
How are one night stands like savings accounts?
...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand...
Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands.
Why can't puppets have one night stands?
There's always strings attached.
I went on a date with a girl that I had a one-night stand with.
We arrived at the restaurant, sat down at our table and I scanned her face. She wasn't as attractive as I remembered.
As she looked through she menu, she said, "What are you having?"
I said, "Second thoughts."
LOOKING FOR ONE NIGHT STAND!
Maybe even two, I have a lot of books!
How does a panda do a one night stand?
Eats, shoots, and leaves.
one night stand
What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.
Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.
The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. There's a n**... bug going around.
One night, Mrs. McMillen answered the door to see her husbands bestfriend p**... standing on the doorstep.....
"Hello p**..., where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory."
p**... shook his head and said "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drown."
Mrs.McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
p**... shakes his head no, then says "Not really, he got out 3 times to pee."
What do you call it when Harry Potter has a one night stand?
Hit it and quidditch
100 nuns are in a prayer session.
After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a c**... in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that c**...."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.
How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Quaker home defense
one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"
I can't get rid my one night stand...
It looks like it was attached to the wall by the previous owner.
My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.
We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.
What do you call a one night stand that goes horribly, horribly wrong?
Your wife
The Oxymoron poem
Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.
Why was the antique dealer considered a p**...?
She was selling one night stand
I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...
At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.
From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.
Bought a stand that broke after the first day
guess it was a one night stand
I met this girl at a bar...
...and she invited me back to her apartment for s**... until morning but there were no beds or chairs...
It was a one night stand.
A woman goes to a bar for a one night stand.
After scouting the scene, she finds a good looking black man sitting alone, drinking. So she goes up to him and, without wanting to waste any time, says "Hey, how about you show me it's true what they say about black men?"
The guy finishes his drink, takes her to his room, and proceeds to stab her and steal her purse
Two h**... are standing on the side of the street..
Two h**... are standing on the side of the street. One says to the other, "It's going to be a great night! You can almost smell the d**... in the air!"
The other h**... responds, "I'm sorry, I just burped."
Now that I'm an adult, I've decided that I'm too old to be having a one night stand
So I went to Ikea and got another one.
A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...
He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The son with tears on his face says
"Yes father, what about it"
And his father, with his last breaths says:
"We'll, son... Wanna buy it?"
Wanted: One Night Stand
I'm moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.
In the middle of the night...
...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. What are you doing, darling? inquires the husband. Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey, replied the wife, the whole nation stands e**... when this song is heard.
What did Jesus do after a one night stand?
He made another night stand.
I once had a one night stand...
But then I bought another.
Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson has a one night stand.
The woman he was with contacts him soon after to let him know she was pregnant, and wants him to own up to his mistake.
Andrew then replies, "It's not a mistake, it's surprise mechanics."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''
(Last one for the night) - Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow turns and says "Hey have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?" and the second cow responds...
"No, luckily I'm a helicopter."
This girl from IKEA keeps calling me late into the day
What doesn't she get about one Night Stand?
An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.
One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had s**...?" The old priest sighs, leans back and says, "For my sins, yes. Once, in my youth, I gave into temptation and had a one night stand my housekeeper." The Rabbi leans in closer, "It's better than bacon, isn't it."