one liners Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious one liners puns

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up


Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.


Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford


A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late


My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"


Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.


Why can Stephen Hawking only do one liners

Because he can't do stand ups


I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

(credit to a Russian stand up comedian Alexander Sobolevsky, he does these neat one liners)


[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad?

Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.


Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...


Monorails make decent one-liners


It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets


Mae West: One-liners from the 1930's.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

A hard man is good to find.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.

I feel like a million tonight. But one at a time.

*Goodness! What lovely diamonds!*
Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.


My favorite one liner

1. ____________________


I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"


My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.


A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Lead me not into temptation I can find the way myself

I intend to live forever, so far so good

My software never has bugs it just develops random features

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Somedays your the dog and others your the hydrant

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

He doesn't have a beer belly, he has developed a liquids grain storage facility

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM

If we aren't supposed to eat animals whys re they made of meat

If its tourist season why can't we shoot them


An orchestra one-liner

I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor


A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.


Tell me your best one-liner. I'll start.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.


Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.


Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.


A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.

The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"

One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to shoot the bird, but he missed and ended up hitting a fuel tank instead. The tank ruptured and exploded, causing the cruise liner to sink.

The only survivors were the parrot and the magician. After floating around for a while, the parrot broke the silence.

"All right, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"


Cannibal one liner

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.


Funny one-liner that George Carlin once wrote.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.


Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do standup


How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.


My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Creds: The one liner king Milton Jones


Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.


Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."


Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.


Dirty One Liner

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"

Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"


Most offensive one liner joke I know..

So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."


Good one liner

You have a striking many times has it been struck?


Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more a coma!!!!!


What are the most funny One Liners jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about One Liners? Well, here are the best One Liners dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and One Liners pick up lines to share with friends.

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