The Best 35 One Liner Jokes

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

I recently sold my vaccum.

It was just collecting dust.

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs,

but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

y = mx + c

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

Let's face it...

That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

Monorails make decent one-liners

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor.

The Clintons at President Reagan's funeral

I don't know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might've noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together

I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work,

said the disgusting bartender.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." —Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

My friend and I recently watched the Star Wars films back to back in preparation for The Last Jedi...

unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the screen.

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

Light travels faster than sound.

That's why some people apper bright until you hear them speak.

Why does Steven Hawking only speak in one-liners?

He can't do stand-up.

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater...

I was not impressed!

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work.

I finally found out what trait women find most attractive in a man:

The fact that he isn't me.

I was going to get a tattoo of a cross on my testicles,

but I thought it would be too sacrilegious.

A baby seal walked into a club.

They say one-liners are the lowest form of comedy

That's why I only tell my jokes to midgets

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

A one-liner comedian and a geneticist were planning a family

using a pun-net square

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

Have you ever seen an Asian person with Down Syndrome?

But then again, how could you tell?