One Foot Jokes
118 one foot jokes and hilarious one foot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one foot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Foot Short Jokes
Short one foot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one foot humour may include short one leg jokes also.
- So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
- Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van. One turns to the other says:
"I think we got off on the wrong foot." - My son asked me "Cows are so big, how do they walk?" Simple, just put one foot in front of an udder.
- A mathematician has one foot in a bucket of lava and the other on a block of ice On average, he's okay.
- A Smart Blonde, Big Foot and Santa Claus Jump From A Building. Who reaches the ground first? No one, none of them exists.
- My little cousin dropped this one on me: Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two! - I found out one of my friend is missing all his toes on his right foot I had to end the friendship because I'm lack-toes intolerant
- A dog with a bandaged foot limped into town one day. The sheriff approached the stranger and said: What brings you to Dawson City? The dog replied: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
- One thing I regret Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.
- My friends have been meddling in my business a lot, and it's annoying. Today, one told me to stop acting like a flamingo. That's when I put my foot down.
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One Foot One Liners
Which one foot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one foot? I can suggest the ones about feet and feet tall.
- What do you call a woman who does not have all her toes on one foot? Normal
- Why can't a nose be 12 long? Because then it'd be a foot.
I already regret this one - What did one foot say to the other? I love shoe.
- What do you call a dead man that was only 12 inches tall? One foot in the grave.
- Which foot is the pirate's favorite? The one that's left
- What do you call a Chinese man with one foot? Taiwon Shou.
- How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!
- How many inches can you fit in a sock? One foot.
- You ever hear about the guy who stepped on the à? He had one foot in the grave.
- Your mom is so fat She has one foot in the gravy.
- What has four legs, one foot and one head? A bed.
- How to workers at IHOP start their shift? One foot at a time
- What do you call it when Darth Vader moves one foot? The Imperial March
- I have two personal trainers... One on each foot!
- How do you describe a racist that only has one foot? Lack toes intolerant.
One Foot Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about one foot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean foot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one foot pranks.
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
Two women are digging in the garden.
One pulls out a foot-long carrot.
She says, "This one reminds me of my husband."
The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"
"No that dirty."
Yo mama so heavy that when she went in the elevator as soon as one foot goes in falls strait to the bottom.
A girl married with a man who had only one foot.
Next day her mother rang her and asked: "My little tell me how did U feel the marriage?"
Her daughter replied: "Woo real splendid; alas he has only one foot!"
Her mom answered: "You must be too lucky, when I married your dad; he had only one inch!"
I met a girl who liked to try new s**... positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .
we didn't get off on the right foot.
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
Two cannibals...
Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"
The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"
John gets a Christmas parrot
John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.
"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.
"Here," motioning towards the back of the store, "we have a very special bird, Chet. He sings Christmas carols. See, light a match and hold it under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh." "Perfect," John exclaims.
Molly was home as she hears John knocking on the door. Letting him in, John proudly smiles, "His name is Chet. I got you a singing parrot!" Raising a eyebrow, Molly stares at him. Placing the parrot on his stand, John lights a match. "Listen to him sing when I hold the match under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing again, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh."
"Well, what do you think?" Jon smiles. Molly stood quietly, "What would happened if you hold the match, well, between his feet?"
Holding the match between his feet, the parrot squawks, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"
In a far away land over the seas, there lives a tribe of 2 foot tall pygmies who live in 3 foot tall grass...
... called the Fug-ow-ees. They were named by an explorer who stumbled upon them one day in his travels and heard them say something along the lines of "we're the Fug-ow-ee."
Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...
One says to the other "Lost the other half?"
"Yup" he replies.
"Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?"
"She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt".
"Good. We'll look for yours first".
Another f**... joke that includes a doctor
A man goes to the doctor to tell him about his recent extreme flatulence. He is constantly f**... as he tells the doctor about his problem.
At one point, the Doctor excuses himself, leaves the room and comes back with a six foot long pole with a hook on the end.
The man says "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT???"
The Doctor answers, "Open a window!"
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
What did one member of the synchronized flamingo m**... team say to another member after an argument over their performance?
Sorry we got off on the wrong foot
The English and the Scots.
A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Help me finish my joke about this one diabetic's gangrenous foot...
I can't seem to find a kicker.
What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?
Unbereavable.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
Daniel said his mother had one foot in the grave
The other one had proved to difficult for workers to scrape off the motorway
What's 20 foot long, screams like a banshee and has no p**...?
The front row of a One Direction concert.
A woman reports her husband's disappearance to the police . . .
They ask her for a description and she says "He's six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair."
Her friend says, "What are you talking about? Your husband is five-foot-four, bald and overweight."
And she says "Who wants that one back?"
My daily regime
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
One time there was an Irishman who got so drunk
He kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel
Two friends were walking by the ballet museum...
When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?"
To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."
My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus?
A platybus!
Do you know why the Statue of Liberty's nose is 11 inches long?
Because one more and it would be a foot!
Why did h**... always win foot races?
He was the fascist one.
Blondes..
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.
A man walks in to a bar with a square foot of asphalt under his arm
"What can I get for you?" the bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer and one for the road."
My Grandpa has really bad diabetes
He already has one foot in the grave.
Why is a dog with a bad foot like adding 6 and 7?
Because he puts down three and carries the one.
I'm going to be opening a store that sells cow print socks
One for your left foot, one for the udder
Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.
The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. There's a n**... bug going around.
A girl married a man who only had one foot…
The next day, her mother called her and asked, "My dear, what do you think about marriage?"
Her daughter replied, "Oh, it's real splendid, even though he only has one foot!"
Her mom cackled, "You're so lucky! When I married your dad, he only had one inch!"
A man from quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar....
A man from Quebec and a man from Newfoundland meet in a bar, one of them finds a lamp, he rubs it and a genie comes out, he grants the two with one wish each.
the guy from Quebec says "i want a big, 40 foot wall arround the entire province"
the genie claps his fingers and says "here, done"
the one from Newfoundland aks "is your wall waterproof?"
"uhh yeah?" responded the guy from quebec
"fill her up"
Did you hear the one about the soldier who came home unexpectedly ?
His wife woke up to find him standing at the foot of the bed with his discharge in his hands.
Potatoes For Everyone!
A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
Two med students are walking down the street...
When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a f**..."
I like to start each day with a well-balanced breakfast.
So I stand on one foot and eat a pound of bacon.
Girl: So how did you hurt your foot?
Boy: Well we were camping out and this giant Grizzly Bear came out of nowhere, reared up on his hind legs, roared, and then started charging us! So I ran in front of him, shouting, "Oh no you don't!' And then I kicked him where it hurts the most and he ran off into the woods whimpering.
Girl: Wow! Was everyone OK?
Boy: Well I feel sorry for that one fellow.
Girl: What fellow?
Boy: The one wearing the Grizzly Bear suit.
A r**... mistook his own foot for a flounder while flounder gigging...
Later at the hospital, he was chatting with the doctor as the doctor was stitching him up. The doctor was also an avid fisherman too.
Doctor: I see you were using a double pronged gig.
r**...: No, I use a single prong gig.
Doctor: Then why am I stitching up two holes?
r**...: Well the first one is from the gig, the second is from where I tried to put it on the s**....
Why are snail races so short?
Because they can only move one foot.
Why are firetrucks red?
Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always Russian" around.
What's the difference between a demoralizing loss, and someone with a f**...?
One is a crushing defeat, the other has a crush in the feet.
What do you call someone standing on one foot, eating a bagel and a banana?
A balanced breakfast.
Have you heard the one about the 60-foot-tall boxer?
Never mind, the punchline would just go over your head.
The doctor has some good news and bad news
A guy had a problem with his foot and the doctor said he has to cut it off.
After the surgery the patient sees the doctor worried
P: What's wrong, Doctor?
D: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
P: The bad news
D: we cut the wrong foot off.
P: what?! How can there be good news?
D: well your other foot is getting better
(I saw this on an old British show called Mind Your Language)
A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
The elephant and p**...
p**... takes his son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, this elephant can tell how old you are with one look. Paddys son shouts, "how old am I"...? The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. Wow says p**... that's right my boy is 6... p**... shouts to the elephant, "How old am I"...? The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. "BeJesus"... Says p**..., "He's right, I'm f**... two"
Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse
They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, How's it going?
The foot chewer replies I am having a ball.
Slow down, you're eating too fast
When I was Young
I once caught my grandfather sprinkling gunpowder onto his grits one Sunday morning. I asked him why he would do that.
He explained, "Kid, my father did this, and his father did this. If you do this as well, every day, it'll help keep you hale and hearty well into your golden years."
It must be true, since when he died last year, he was 97, and left thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren, four great great grand children, and a fifteen foot deep crater where the crematorium used to be.
Two blondes are talking about their husbands
One of them asks the other "How long was Jeremy in the army?" the other thinks about it for a few seconds and says "I think about five foot eleven".
My Wife has been forcing me to stand on one leg for years.
Enough is enough. I had to put my foot down.
One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.
The farmer said Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God. The commissar stopped and said Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God! To which the farmer said Exactly, that's why there's no potatoes.
Early morning. I already got one foot out of the bed.
Leprosy s**....
A commissar visits a potato farm
The party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
One of Reagan's favourite jokes.
A man walks into a bar...
There's only him, the barman and a guy about a foot high playing the piano.
'What you want to drink?' Asks the barman.
' any recommendations?' replies the guy.
' we have genie beer, you get a free wish when you open the bottle'
So the guy gets one, opens the bottle and asks for a million bucks.
Immediately a million ducks appear
' w**..., I wished for a million bucks!' the customer moans.
' tell me about it' says the barman ' you think I wanted a 12 pianist'.
My newest girlfriend broke up with me after we lost a one legged race fundraiser.
She says we got off on the wrong foot.
A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.
Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.
The first cop shouted What the h**..., man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.
No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.
Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.