one eyed bastard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious one eyed bastard puns

A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

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F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead &
Vultures circling over it's head.

Farmer Says: You Horny bastard you deserve this!

The Cock opens one eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout,
let them land...

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The sniper shrugs and says "Thank God, only had one bullet left."

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Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers...

Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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A farmer buys a young rooster

As soon as it comes home, it screws all the 153 hens...
The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens.

The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.

Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! you deserve this "The rooster opens one eye, points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never screwed a vulture in my whole career".....

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A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub.

The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches,

"Are you really a pirate?" he asks

"Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service."

"Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?"

"Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink."

Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen.

"Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..."

"Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?"

"Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..."

"Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?"

The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury...

"Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..."

"What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?"

"Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

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A couple had been married for twenty years and whenever they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the light.

Finally, after all this time, the wife thought it was stupid and decided she would take this unnecessary habit from her husband.

One night, while they made love, she suddenly turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand. She got mad with anger and frustration and shouted at him:

"You bastard, how could you lie to me during all these years?" You better explain yourself!

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said to her:

"Alright, I'll explain to you about the dildo if you explain to me about our three children."

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home the cock fucks each of the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock fucks all 150 hens again.

The next day the cock fucks a flock of ducks, and on the next day a flock of geese. The day after that the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground, half dead, with vultures circling overhead.

"You deserved it, you horny bastard!" the farmer says. The cock opens one eye, points up and says "Shhhh. They're about to land!"

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A man and wife are happily married...

...for several years, over which time they have a couple of children and life seems peachy.

In a relationship that is nigh on perfect, the only potential issue the wife can find with it is that her husband always always ALWAYS insists that they make love in the dark. All lights off, curtains drawn, pitch black, or no hanky panky. But the sex is good and his dick is big so, whatever, she can deal with it.

Until one night, as they're at it and she's thrashing around in the throes of passion, she accidentally hits the bedside lamp and the light comes on.

And her husband is lying there in bed, clutching a dildo.

'You utter bastard!', she screams. 'How could you have deceived me for all these years?!'

Completely unfazed, the husband looks his wife directly in the eye and says:

'Honey, I'll explain this, if you can explain the kids.'

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A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.

That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.

The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"

The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)

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The Neighbours

So a married couple and their only child are living in the suburbs next to some complete bastards. the father works with one of the Neighbours and one day has to talk to them about work, so he invites them to dinner.

The child overhears his parents talking about "the bastards coming over for dinner". The child naturally being curious asks what bastards means. The father tells him it's just another word for the Neighbours.

The father starts cutting the turkey that they will be having for dinner. He cuts himself and shouts Fuck. The child, hearing this asks what Fuck means. The father tells him that it's just another word for cutting.

The child goes to find his mother and sees her putting on makeup. She gets a bit of makeup in her eye so she screams shit. The child then asks what shit means. The mother then tells him it's just another word for makeup.

At that moment the doorbell rings and the child goes to welcome the guests.
"Hello Mr and Mrs Bastard. Please come in. Dad is in the kitchen fucking the turkey and mum is upstairs putting shit on her face".

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I'll explain the toy … you explain the kids.

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What are the best One Eyed Bastard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about One Eyed Bastard? Well, here are the best One Eyed Bastard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and One Eyed Bastard pick up lines to share with friends.

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