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One Eye Jokes

96 one eye jokes and hilarious one eye puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one eye that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest One Eye Short Jokes

Short one eye jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one eye humour may include short closed eye jokes also.

  1. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  2. China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
  3. What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance? Thank you for your service
  4. What's chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her/she
    I got an eye roll from the wife on this one. I guess that's the dad joke seal of approval.
  5. Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.
  6. There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters? The Tea of the tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!
  7. The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria. One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.
  8. I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye They were dentical twins
  9. One of my many niche-market jokes They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?
  10. Why do Russian policemen go around in threes? One who can read.
    One who can write.
    And one to keep an eye on the intellectuals.

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One Eye One Liners

Which one eye one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one eye? I can suggest the ones about eye related and blinded eye.

  1. What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesaurus
  2. I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.
  3. Why do hunters close one eye when they aim? Because they can't see if they close both.
  4. What do you call a kid with one eye and a pirate's leg? Names
  5. What did one eye say to the other? Between you and I, something smells.
  6. How do you spell odin? With one eye
  7. I was on a date with Medusa One look into her eyes, and I was hard as a rock.
  8. Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil
  9. What do you call a chef with one eye? Chief
  10. How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.
  11. What did one eye say to the other? Don't look now but something smells between us.
  12. What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears? Ugly
  13. What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors? An optome-tryst.
  14. The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song But the Chick Peas can only hummus one
  15. Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl? He lacked depth perception.

Witty One Eye Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about one eye you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross eye jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one eye pranks.

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

Why do snipers always close one eye when they aim?

Because they can't aim if they close two.

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

There was a one eyed teacher at my school

He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career

Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye! "
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where? "

A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.

His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus c**...." "So what heroic act was he doing when he lost his hind leg?" the bartender asks. "Dang it man," the guy says. "With a pig this good, you don't eat it all at once!"

"The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy."

"What's the other eye called?"

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey.
What do you call a one eyed, three legged donkey?
A winky wonkey.
What do you call a Chinese, one eyed, three legged donkey?
A c**... winky wonkey.
What do you call an Elvis impersonating, Chinese, one eyed, three legged donkey?
A h**...-tonky c**... winky wonkey.

What do you call a dog ,with one eye, and one leg?

Lucky
In loving memory of my father who was the biggest jokester, until his very last days, all he wanted to ,do was make others laugh.
He wanted us to put a f**... machine in his casket and let them blow, my mom wouldn't allow it...

Did you hear the police are looking for a small man with one eye?

If he's that small you'd think they'd use 2 eyes?

My friend's son wanted to be a "Super-Pirate" for his birthday...

But after running against the door he discovered that even a "Super-Pirate" only needs one eyepatch

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question,

"Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, Between you and me, something smells."

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye

The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."
To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

I'm made out of pure dynamite!

An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)

Can you spare just $2.00?

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . We'll send you the video! It's hilarious!

Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor?

He had only one eye, but two pupils!

Deer Joke

What do you call a deer with one eye?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with one eye and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?

One eye blue this way, One eye blue that way.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye

Doyouthinkhesawus.
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes
Dontthinkhesawus.

A Nigerian man.

*A Nigerian man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested, Give him some water, it will help. Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, Commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for water board… (Translation: Get lost! If I needed water, I would faint in front of a water facility)

They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his t**... in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I?

ugly

An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg

And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"

What did one eye say to the other eye?

There's something between us that smells.

What do you call a one eyed horse?

Cyclippity-clops

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...

He was a s**...

What's the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

Why do Australians hunt with one eye

Because a bad eye can't
But a good eye might

There's a bottle full of methanol in a chemistry lab...

...there's a note attached to it: "don't drink it, or else you will go blind."
The next day, the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye."

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us.

What's a Heron with only one eye?

h**....

My girlfriend woke me up with coffee in bed this morning.

Now I can't see out of one eye, I have lesions on my face and neck, and we've gotta buy new bed linen.

What do you call a deer with one eye and a broken leg?

I have no eye-deer

"Want to see a bird with one eye?"

Bird

Need a punchline

Two one eyed lawyers walk into a bar...

I just found out that hamsters blink one eye at a time.

And all that time I thought mine fancied me.

Why does the travelling hobbit always carry his elven cloak?

When he goes to pee in the woods and he brings out his other *precious*, he still gets the feeling that there's someone eyeing him.

What do Hasidic kids dress up as for Halloween?

One eyed ghosts.

Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?

He didn't have any debtperception.

eyebro

What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow when leaving?
Eyebro.
I will see myself out.

What did one eyebrow say to the other?

H-eyebrow

What do you call a three-legged donkey?

A wonkey.
What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye?
A winky-wonkey.

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.

Why is one eye kept closed while eye testing?

Because you can't see if both eyes are closed.

Pirate party

One eyed ducks are having a private party. A duck comes by and asks: " How come this is a private party?"
One eyed duck says: " because it's a pirate party".

Why did the jewish boy's ghost costume only have one eye hole?

His dad didn't want to buy him a new sheet.

What do Orthodox Jewish kids dress up as on Halloween?

One eyed ghosts.

There is an old expression that goes like this, a hobo with one eye is good luck

But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner.

Hurricanes are a lot like b**......

...they both have one eye and wreak havoc wherever they go

One eyed man

Comes to the doctor. Doctor asks: what's wrong. The man says: 'm mssng an

Doctor "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]

dad: [opens one eye] "You better not be turning that heating up!"

What's the best bounty hunter in the galaxy with one eye?

Boba Fetty Wap

Sad to hear about the spectator losing sight in one eye at the Ryder cup

But they do say hindsight is 20

What do you call a German that can't see out of one eye?

Bleind

How can you sleep with one eye open?

Take half of a sleeping pill ...!

What can a half blind racist be thankful for?

One eye is alt-right

Did you guys hear the kid from the 6th sense is blind in one eye!

He's got not death perception.

Always choose a one eyed girl for a rebound

Her depth perception is s**....

When in dangerous situation - you should always sleep with one eye opened.

Especially if you're a Cyclops.

What do you call a one eyed horse?

A klipklopse

Guy in bar, telling me his whole life story, stops when I ask if he's drunk...

He squints one eye and says, "I'm not drunk, I'm speaking in cursive"

I saw a lazy-eyed person today, and to my shame I couldn't help but stare. I'm not sure if she noticed

but maybe one eye did.

Do you know the best part about having only one eye and bad vision?

LASIK is half off.

Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah.

jokes about one eye