One Eye Jokes
96 one eye jokes and hilarious one eye puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one eye that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest One Eye Short Jokes
Short one eye jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one eye humour may include short closed eye jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- What's chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her/she
I got an eye roll from the wife on this one. I guess that's the dad joke seal of approval. - There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters? The Tea of the tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!
- The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria. One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.
- I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye They were dentical twins
- One of my many niche-market jokes They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?
- Two flies riding on a motorbike. One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.
- What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer? One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
Share These One Eye Jokes With Friends
One Eye One Liners
Which one eye one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one eye? I can suggest the ones about eye related and blinded eye.
- What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesaurus
- I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I? Ugly.
- Why do hunters close one eye when they aim? Because they can't see if they close both.
- What did one eye say to the other? Between you and I, something smells.
- How do you spell odin? With one eye
- I was on a date with Medusa One look into her eyes, and I was hard as a rock.
- Why did the one eyed headmaster close down his school.... Because he only had one pupil
- What do you call a chef with one eye? Chief
- How do government employees wink when they're at work? They briefly open one eye.
- What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears? Ugly
- What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors? An optome-tryst.
- Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!
- What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes? One eye blue this way, One eye blue that way.
- What do you call a one eyed horse? Cyclippity-clops
- What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have? The ones that roll-back.
Witty One Eye Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about one eye you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross eyed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one eye pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
Thank you for your service
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...
he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.
There was a one eyed teacher at my school
He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career
Eye
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye! "
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where? "
"The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy."
"What's the other eye called?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey.
What do you call a one eyed, three legged donkey?
A winky wonkey.
What do you call a Chinese, one eyed, three legged donkey?
A c**... winky wonkey.
What do you call an Elvis impersonating, Chinese, one eyed, three legged donkey?
A h**...-tonky c**... winky wonkey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a dog ,with one eye, and one leg?
Lucky
In loving memory of my father who was the biggest jokester, until his very last days, all he wanted to ,do was make others laugh.
He wanted us to put a f**... machine in his casket and let them blow, my mom wouldn't allow it...
My friend's son wanted to be a "Super-Pirate" for his birthday...
But after running against the door he discovered that even a "Super-Pirate" only needs one eyepatch
One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question,
"Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, Between you and me, something smells."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why'd the one eyed man marry the shallow girl?
He lacked depth perception.
I'm made out of pure dynamite!
An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you spare just $2.00?
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . We'll send you the video! It's hilarious!
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye
Doyouthinkhesawus.
What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes
Dontthinkhesawus.
A Nigerian man.
*A Nigerian man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested, Give him some water, it will help. Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, Commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for water board… (Translation: Get lost! If I needed water, I would faint in front of a water facility)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his t**... in the glitter bins
One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"
I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I?
ugly
An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg
And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"
There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.
If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Timmy the Turtle...
Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...
He was a s**...
What's the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?
Eye Patchino
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye.
but If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
Why do Australians hunt with one eye
Because a bad eye can't
But a good eye might
There's a bottle full of methanol in a chemistry lab...
...there's a note attached to it: "don't drink it, or else you will go blind."
The next day, the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a Heron with only one eye?
h**....
My girlfriend woke me up with coffee in bed this morning.
Now I can't see out of one eye, I have lesions on my face and neck, and we've gotta buy new bed linen.
"Want to see a bird with one eye?"
Bird
Need a punchline
Two one eyed lawyers walk into a bar...
I just found out that hamsters blink one eye at a time.
And all that time I thought mine fancied me.
Why does the travelling hobbit always carry his elven cloak?
When he goes to pee in the woods and he brings out his other *precious*, he still gets the feeling that there's someone eyeing him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Hasidic kids dress up as for Halloween?
One eyed ghosts.
Why did the one eyed banker lose his job?
He didn't have any debtperception.
eyebro
What did one eyebrow say to the other eyebrow when leaving?
Eyebro.
I will see myself out.
What did one eyebrow say to the other?
H-eyebrow
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
A wonkey.
What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye?
A winky-wonkey.
Why is one eye kept closed while eye testing?
Because you can't see if both eyes are closed.
Pirate party
One eyed ducks are having a private party. A duck comes by and asks: " How come this is a private party?"
One eyed duck says: " because it's a pirate party".
Why did the jewish boy's ghost costume only have one eye hole?
His dad didn't want to buy him a new sheet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Orthodox Jewish kids dress up as on Halloween?
One eyed ghosts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is an old expression that goes like this, a hobo with one eye is good luck
But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hurricanes are a lot like b**......
...they both have one eye and wreak havoc wherever they go
One eyed man
Comes to the doctor. Doctor asks: what's wrong. The man says: 'm mssng an
Doctor "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye] "You better not be turning that heating up!"
What's the best bounty hunter in the galaxy with one eye?
Boba Fetty Wap
Sad to hear about the spectator losing sight in one eye at the Ryder cup
But they do say hindsight is 20
How can you sleep with one eye open?
Take half of a sleeping pill ...!
Did you guys hear the kid from the 6th sense is blind in one eye!
He's got not death perception.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Always choose a one eyed girl for a rebound
Her depth perception is s**....
When in dangerous situation - you should always sleep with one eye opened.
Especially if you're a Cyclops.
What do you call a one eyed horse?
A klipklopse
Guy in bar, telling me his whole life story, stops when I ask if he's drunk...
He squints one eye and says, "I'm not drunk, I'm speaking in cursive"
I saw a lazy-eyed person today, and to my shame I couldn't help but stare. I'm not sure if she noticed
but maybe one eye did.
Do you know the best part about having only one eye and bad vision?
LASIK is half off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unfortunate pirate
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?
Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.
And yer hand? asks Morty.
When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.
OK, but what's with the eye patch?
I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.
But ya don't go blind from no seagull p**....
True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.
My first posted joke.
It's about 2 in the morning and the wife wakes up and notices her husband is not in bed next to her. She puts on her robe and goes down to the kitchen to find her husband sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, a single tear under one eye. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asks. He replies, "Do you remember that day 20 years ago when you and I were in the back of my car and your dad stuck a shotgun in the window and said marry her or you're going to jail?" The wife is touched and replies, "Oh yes my dear, I remember that day. Why are you crying?"
"Today's the day I would have gotten out."
High school dance.
My friend James only has one eye and was embarrassed to ask anyone to his first high school dance. Since I'm taking wood shop, I agreed to make him a wooden eye. My girlfriend was an artist and she made this eye look perfect. I found him a date for the dance and he said, what does she like? I said, she's really pretty but she just has fat legs. James didn't mind. After all, he had his share of imperfections. So we get to the dance and James approaches the girl. Would you like to dance? She replies, Would I? And James barks back, Fat legs.
An angel walks into a bar
He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"
The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.
The angel then walks among some government workers celebrating after work. One of them, a one-legged man with severe diabetes, lupus, and one eye looks at the approaching angel and says "don't touch me - I'm on disability"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'll take my chances
A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.
As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark n**... in the middle of the church.
The pastor looked down immediately, talking into the mic. He said "Nobody look. If anyone looks, so help me God, the Lord will blind you."
The guy next to me put his hand over half of his face and said, "I think I'll take my chances with one eye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Rooster Ramón
I used to have a Mexican rooster named Ramón. He liked to have s**... with anything that moved. I kept telling him that all this boning was going to kill him one day. Ramón just laughed about it and kept giving the animals the chorizo. Yesterday, I walked outside and saw Ramón lying flat on his back with dirt and dust spread across his chest. I ran to his side and said "Ramón, I told you all this b**... was going to kill you!" Ramón opened one eye, pointed to the sky, and quietly whispered in his thick Latin accent, "shhhhh buzzards!"
I met a man with one eye. His name was Casey.
I don't know the name of his other eye.
What is the same between a cyclops and hurricane Matthew?
They both have one eye.
What has one eye but can't see?
A blind man...
I'll show myself out...
TO SEE YOU BACK NEXT WEEK!!
Did you hear about the kid who could only see out of one eye?
His glasses were half full.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a health & safety officer at my work with only one eye...
... oh the irony.
A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
Why did the one eyed bird go into a frozen food store
Because it was birdseye©
