One Direction Jokes
113 one direction jokes and hilarious one direction puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one direction that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest One Direction Short Jokes
Short one direction jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one direction humour may include short boy band jokes also.
- Why do koi fish travel in groups of four? To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- So I heard Jessica Jones is directed by only Females Well thats one way of saving 20% on production costs
- What's the difference between Futurama and One Direction? There's only one Bender in Futurama
- One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys. They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
- So I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar... and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
- how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia? when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day
- An old Viking teaching young ones Once we land and enter a vilage, look for a church. If there is a church there is nothing left to pillage in the village, so just go directly to the church.
- Van Gogh was never good at following directions. Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...
- Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing. After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.
Share These One Direction Jokes With Friends
One Direction One Liners
Which one direction one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one direction? I can suggest the ones about harry and green day.
- one direction fans are the worst. oscillating fans are so much more convenient.
- If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be "bad at following directions."
- what do you call a group of homosexuals walking the same way? one direction
- What is Rickon Stark's favorite band? One Direction
- I rate the next One Direction album... ...four out of five stars.
- How do you say 'direction' in pig Latin? Hope you had a good one!
- Someone asked me if I liked One Direction I said "Yeah, South"
- I can't believe there's a band named after diode flow... One Direction
- Turns out I can only tie my shoelaces in one direction. That is knot right
- One direction have gone their seperate ways, Isn't that ironic!
- One Direction broke up Everything was just going south.
- If five vectors create a band what would it be called? One Direction.
- Where do 4 gay guys go? One Direction
- One Direction broke up... They are finally heading in the right direction.
- Did you know? One Direction's "best song ever" is not actually best song ever.
Howlingly Hilarious One Direction Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about one direction you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean backstreet boys jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one direction pranks.
A tourist from Romania visits New York City. He wanders around sightseeing and gets lost. He asks one of the locals for directions to get back to his hotel. The local notices the tourist's foreign accent and asks, "Are you by any chance Russian?" The Romanian replies, "No, I'm not really in a hurry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: How do 5 gay men walk?
A: One Direction!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks.
She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.
"Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher.
"Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jock.
"Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages."
Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny: "You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcome´s ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?"
Johny says: "I want it with creme, of course."
The crazy prisoner yells and says: "Cremo, come here, please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do five gay guys walk down the street?
In one direction
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how do 5 gay men walk
In one direction
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
Kanye and Kim name their first child North West...
....in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
Job opening in a fast paced company
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard we like Native American jokes.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
(meta) About the direction this sub is going
Every top post I see from this sub now is a basic one liner, and half of them aren't even that good. While I appreciate a good simple joke as much as the next person, there needs to be a good mixture that include actual story jokes with a true set up and punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What are the four cardinal directions?
Come in
s**...
Sit on my lap
Tell no one.
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
Why does it take more than a million sperms to fertilize one egg?
1) Female Ego...
Rejection without Reason!
2) Male Ego...
Won't Ask For Directions!
What happened to the boy-band member who dropped the soap In the prison shower?
Let's just say that his backstreet went more than one direction.
Kanye joins One Direction as a replacement for Zayn...
He kicks everyone out of the band and says: "If there's only one direction, it's West."
I decided to treat my girlfriend.
"Since I know how much you like One Direction," I assured her, "I thought you might like to see them."
"Oh my goodness!" she squealed, "Did you get me tickets to their concert??!?!?"
"No, but they are on that poster over there....." I added.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a g**... for directions once
The only one he could give me was straight up
Two women were driving on the highway when the traffic rapport broadcast said there was a car driving in the opposite direction.
"One? There are hundreds of them"
Did you hear One Direction is breaking up?
They're heading separate ways.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's 20 foot long, screams like a banshee and has no p**...?
The front row of a One Direction concert.
Why is American Airlines the best airlines company?
Because they are the only one to drop you directly to your office.
What is One Direction's favorite place to eat?
Five Guys
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does it take 1 million s**... to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask for directions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate One Direction fans...
Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.
There's a boy-band fan club whose members are all gay called the Hopeful Rooks.
Eventually they want to be able to move back and forth in One Direction as much as they want.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five swedish men in a pool
The swedes were swimming and suddenly a c**... popped to the surface of the water.
Directly one of the mans asks: "who f**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This happened over the weekend
I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly s**... again.
Just one word
With the new school year, teachers hand out those "we'd like to know more about you" forms for the students to fill out. One of the questions was "Use one word to describe yourself". My son's answer:
"Can't follow directions"
I spotted a member of one direction yesterday..
and my friend who hates them said, "that's like spotting a tumor". To which I said, "not really, it's big deal when you spot a tumor"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
"What does 'straight' mean?"
...asked the son.
Dad: Straight means something continuing in one direction without bending.
Son: Dad, is mom straight?
Dad: Yes son, she doesn't have any curves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the One Direction a**...-party?
It was in Zayn.
I thought I could never be a good dancer until I discovered Dance Dance Revolution. Though I've only really mastered one move,
it's a step in the right direction.
PQ syndrome
When you point your weener in one direction, pee comes out the opposite.
Physically may be impossible, but scientists have concurred that alphabetically very much possible.
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
Lincoln Navigator
I watched a guy in a Lincoln Navigator attempt to park in a busy restaurant parking lot. It took a friend to get out and direct him in order to wiggle into a spot. Afterwards he said to me, "now I know why they call it a navigator. It fu@*ing takes one to park it".
A new barbershop just opened called Hairy Styles.
They only do comb-overs in One Direction.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Looks like Anthony w**... is joining One Direction!
The band has been renamed to One e**....
Did you know there's a street in England named Harry Styles Boulevard?
It only goes in one direction, though.
A nice clean jewish joke
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?
Of course it is, said the Lord, smiling. Who can he tell?
As a man drives on the hiwhway he hears some emergency news on the radio
"There is a maniac on the highway driving on the opposite direction. Be very careful" the radio says.
To which the man responds
"Just one? Don't they see?? All them are driving in the wrong direction".
Wrong direction
A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".
The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"
A man drives deep into the forest
A man drives deep into the forest to get rid of his cat. He lets her out at an abandoned place. After one hour he gets a phone call from his wife: The cat is back.
The man growls: Ok, can you put her on, I got lost and need directions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
My teacher asked me to describe myself in one word
So I wrote, "not good at following directions."
My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.
About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.
Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."
Grandpa: "It's not just one! There are hundreds of them!"
The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document
No one expects the Spanish ink position.
How one direction ended.
The gone 5 directions
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?
He was caught f**... A Major.
My life has no meaning, the only thing that brings me joy is listening to my favorite member of One Direction.
I guess you could call me a nihilist
Why is Harry Style's favourite bus in a CPU the Address Bus?
It only works in one direction.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The other day I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith
He beat the h**... out of me with it. I have two wooden legs, he broke both of them.
I've learned to be more careful about hanging around people who only branch out in one direction.
I'd extend him an olive branch, but mine are both broken now.
I'm rooted in one place now.
It's very treepressing. :(
How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?
One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.
---
From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.
Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.
After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
It's nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic
One Direction by Kanye West
Guitars by Mel Gibson
Mining by Brad Pitt
Pear Cider by Katy Perry
Ship Building by Tom Cruise
How to Move Things by Jim Carrey
Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman
American Motors by Harrison Ford
Wild Animals by Will Ferrell
Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.
Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
