one billion Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious one billion puns

A worried flyer asks a statistician...

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.

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Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

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A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.

Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.

One billion dollars. This is our final offer.

After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.

I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

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Is this the Rinehart method?

One billionaire was asked how he made his fortune, the fact being known that he was flat broke when he was young. He told this story: he was once wandering the streets hungry and with only 10 cents in his pockets. Saw someone selling some rather unattractive looking apples for 10 cents a piece. He bought one apple and as he was about to eat it, he got an idea. Polished the apple and as it was now much better presenting, he was able to sell it for 20 cents. Which he then used to buy two apples, which he polished and sold for 40 cents. Which he used to buy four apples, earning 80 cents, buying eight apples... and then his childless uncle died and left him a billion dollars.

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One for him, two for her

A guy finds a lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll give you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

First, he wishes for a billion dollars. Voila, a billion dollars appears. In a distant place, his ex-wife has 2 billion dollars materialize.

Then, he wishes for ownership of a 100 square mile habitable island in the Caribbean. The deed appears in his hand. Simultaneously, his ex-wife is granted title to two islands.

He stops to think about his final wish, and is pissed that his ex is benefitting from his luck since she made his life a living hell.

"So, whatever I get, she gets double?"

"Yep."

"Scare me half to death."

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A physicist walks into a bar...

and orders two drinks, having one for himself and leaving the other one untouched at the stool beside him. The next day, the bartender notices that he does it again, and the day after, he does it a third time. When he does it a fourth time, the bartender finally asks him "why do you keep ordering two drinks but only having one?". In response, the physicist says "according to the laws of physics, there is a statistical chance that billions of atoms could align perfectly and form a beautiful woman sitting on the stool". The bartender then asks "why don't you just ask a woman to have a drink with you and see if she says yes?", to which the physicist replies "well what's the chance that that's actually going to happen?"

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Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

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The condemned prisoner stood before the firing squad.

The jail warden told him that as per custom, he was to be granted one final request, provided it was something straightforward and easily manageable.

The prisoner explained that he loved singing and requested to sing his favourite childhood song to completion.

The warden motioned to the firing squad to hold their fire until the song was completed.

The prisoner held his head up high and started to sing - "A billion bottles of beer on the wall, a billion bottles of beer..."

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I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'

One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers..

*"....and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million!"*, proves the mathematician.

*"Really?....and what would you say are the chances of...2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane?"*, she asks, curiously...

*"That would be less than one in a billion! C'mon, Aunt Bessie...you should go!"*

*"Huh...fine...I'll go!"*, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag.

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Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

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A man is on death row...

A man is on death row and it's the day of his execution. He is to be killed by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would like to do is sing my favorite song, one time through without interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottle of beer on the wall..."

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So we've now landed a probe on a comet...

and a lot of people are now saying "why are we spending billions landing on a comet when there are starving kids in Africa"...why do they want to land a probe on starving kids in Africa, maybe one of you can explain it to me?

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For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher is asking her students, what they want to be when they grow up.

Teacher: "How about you, Johnny... what do you want to be when you grow up"?

Johnny: "I wanna be the CEO of a multi-billion tech company... just like my father".

Teacher: "Woww.. that's wonderful. I didn't know your father was the CEO of a tech company".

Johnny: "He's not. But he also wants to be one".

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The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.


Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"


The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."


"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."


"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."


The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."


And he leaves.


The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.


"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."


"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.


"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

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One Billion Funny Joke

According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

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The Inmate on Death Row

An inmate is on death row, waiting to be executed. The guard comes to his cell and asks him what his last request is.

"Since, I don't particularly have a favorite food, I'm going to request singing a song instead, one time, and without interruptions," the inmate replied. "This song was one my dad taught me when I was a young child."

The guard nodded, and allowed him to sing his song.

The inmate takes a shaky breath and starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

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One last request...

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would really like to do is sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

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A man finds a magic lamp while walking.

He rubs it and out pops a Genie.

Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*

Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*

Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*

Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*

Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*

Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*

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Sherlock and Watson go camping...

Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep.

Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the sky." he says. "What do you see?"

"I see lots and lots of stars" he replies.

"And what does that tell you?" Sherlock asks.

"Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"

"No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent!"

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A man died today.

Authorities found $27 billion dollars at his home in Nigeria... Apparently he had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but no one would respond to his emails.

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A magician had this parrot

A cruise ship magician had this parrot. He hated this parrot because he always give away his tricks. Whenever he'd do a show you'd hear "it's up his sleeve BAWK", "it's a trick table BAWK", "they're fake cards BAWK" and anything else that drove the man insane. One day, the man gets so fed up with his parrot that he shoots at him. The magician misses and the bullet hits a gas tank, blowing the ship into a billion pieces. The only 2 survivors are the magician and the parrot. While they're floating on debris, the parrot says "alright, I give up, where the fuck is the ship?"

(Credits to the magnificent Ron White)

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Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad?

It's very naughty

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A man stuck in a traffic jam

some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "

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Lazlo's Chinese relativity axiom

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less,

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The CEO of FIFA and The NCAA walk into a bar....

They glance around the bar and notice people really enjoy drinking, so they buy the bar.
The CEO of FIFA decides to build onto the bar using cheap laborers, many of which will die.
The CEO of The NCAA decides to bring in business by having his employees play continuous beer pong tournaments, many of which will have brain damage later in life.
The bar then makes each CEO over 1 billion dollars.
One day Jesus walks into the bar and orders a Bloody Mary.
Just as the bartender makes the drink the two CEOS walk into the bar and say to Jesus "Im sorry sir, we cant serve you. We are a non-prophet organization."

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The first computer

The first computer was dated back billions of years ago to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple, but it had very little space...

One byte then everything crashed.

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A billion neutrinos walk into a bar...

One says, "Ouch."

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China has a population of a billion people.

One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

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What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?

A sperm has a one in a billion chance of becoming human

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Did you hear about the Korean who entered the lottery?

He won one billion won.

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Compliment/Insult?

You are one in a million.
But since there are 7 billion people on the planet,
there are 7,000 people just like you.

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What do you call one billion facebook users piled on top of each other?

suckerberg

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Earth has billions of inhabitants, while Uranus has only one....

My dick.

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What are the most funny One Billion jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about One Billion? Well, here are the best One Billion dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and One Billion pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes