One Billion Jokes
36 one billion jokes and hilarious one billion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one billion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Billion Short Jokes
Short one billion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one billion humour may include short billion jokes also.
- The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion... which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.
- The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side. Trump agreed.
...but Mexicans refused. - A man died today. Authorities found $27 billion dollars at his home in Nigeria... Apparently he had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but no one would respond to his emails.
- A little girl runs to her mum "Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!" - The first computer The first computer was dated back billions of years ago to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple, but it had very little space...
One byte then everything crashed. - China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
- Lazlo's Chinese relativity axiom No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less,
- Compliment/Insult? You are one in a million.
But since there are 7 billion people on the planet,
there are 7,000 people just like you. - What's the difference between a s**... and a lawyer? A s**... has a one in a billion chance of becoming human
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One Billion One Liners
Which one billion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one billion? I can suggest the ones about trillion and billions dollars.
- Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
- A billion neutrinos walk into a bar... One says, "Ouch."
- Did you hear about the Korean who entered the lottery? He won one billion won.
- What do you call a billion-nomad tent city? One giga-yurt
- What do you call one billion facebook users piled on top of each other? suckerberg
Laughter One Billion Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about one billion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trillion dollar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one billion pranks.
A boy asks god,
Is it true that a billion years is a second to you?
God says yes
Is it true a billion dollars is worth a penny to you?
God says yes
Can I have a penny right now?
God replies, Sure, just one second.
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.
He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken
The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.
100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.
Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.
One billion dollars. This is our final offer.
After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.
I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.
A worried flyer asks a statistician...
"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.
A man asked God,
Man: Is it true that one billion years is like a second to you?
God: Yes, it is.
Man: Is it true that a billion dollars is like a penny to you?
God: Yes, it is.
Man: Then, could you please give me one penny then?
God: Sure, gimme a sec.
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
I meet these genie.
He asked: Who is the person you dislike the most? I told him that it would be my mother-in-law. He explained to me that I get three wishes but whatever I wish for my mother-in-law gets double of.
My first wish: I want one mansion. My mother-in-law gets two mansions.
My second wish: I want ten billion dollars. My mother-in-law gets twenty billion dollars.
My final wish: Beat me half to death.
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
So we've now landed a probe on a comet...
and a lot of people are now saying "why are we spending billions landing on a comet when there are starving kids in Africa"...why do they want to land a probe on starving kids in Africa, maybe one of you can explain it to me?
One day Stalin and h**... were debating about starting another war.
A guy hears them and asks what they are talking about.
Stalin says, "We're going to start another war this time a billion and a half people and a bicycle repairman will die."
Confused the guy asks, "Why a bicycle repairman?"
Stalin turns to h**... and says, "See, I told you no one would care about a billion and a half people."
One Billion Funny Joke
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A teacher is asking her students, what they want to be when they grow up.
Teacher: "How about you, Johnny... what do you want to be when you grow up"?
Johnny: "I wanna be the CEO of a multi-billion tech company... just like my father".
Teacher: "Woww.. that's wonderful. I didn't know your father was the CEO of a tech company".
Johnny: "He's not. But he also wants to be one".
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"
Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump
Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 7 billion people happy!"
Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,
The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"
Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"
The boss said " good, well done" then he looked at the ugly girl and asked her "Name me those 1,400 billion people?".
Cruel march madness Odds
If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
Obama milk joke
Barack Obama: We’ve already announced over 500 reforms, and just a fraction of them will save business and citizens more than $10 billion over the next five years. We got rid of one rule from 40 years ago that could have forced some dairy farmers to spend $10,000 a year proving that they could contain a spill — because milk was somehow classified as an oil. With a rule like that, I guess it was worth crying over spilled milk.
