One Arm Jokes
129 one arm jokes and hilarious one arm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one arm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Arm Short Jokes
Short one arm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one arm humour may include short missing arm jokes also.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?" - A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
- I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"
- Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along..
- New job I recently got a new job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters. It was shift work
- How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't, there are no elephants with one arm
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
- I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter. It's shift work
- arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
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One Arm One Liners
Which one arm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one arm? I can suggest the ones about broken arm and one leg.
- What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm? A severe speech impediment.
- Have you heard about the one-armed super hero? He single handedly stops crime.
- I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals. It's shift work.
- I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work
- What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
- How did the one armed man save the world? Single handedly!
- What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
- How do you get an one-armed person down a tree Wave at them
- How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? You wave at her.
- What animal has four legs and one arm? A pit bull on a playground.
- People with only one arm... Am I right?
- Did you hear about the one-armed man that robbed the bank? He did it single-handedly.
- One arm butlers they can take it but they can't dish it out…
- Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop. - What's got four legs and one arm? An attack dog in a preschool.
One Arm Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny one arm man jokes and even better one arm man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm and says, A beer please, and one for the road,
- A man walks into a bar with a big slab of tarmac/asphalt under his arm... The barman asks him, "So what can I get you?"
"I'll have a pint and eh, one for the road." - A man walked into a bar with some asphalt on his arm He said: "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road"
- A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
- I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters... It's shift work.
- A man walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm... And said: "one for me and one for the road"
- In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . . Could still have a better punchline than this.
- A one armed man enters a store and asks: "Is this a second hand shop?"
- A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm... Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"
Bartender: "How much did it cost?"
Disabled Man: "A lot!" - A man walks onto a plane... ... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"
One Arm One Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny one arm one leg jokes and even better one arm one leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went into the bank earlier to check my balance Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched
- No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics, but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.
- A person with three eyes, no arms and one leg is hitchhiking. A British guy pulls over and says, "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in."
- What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken? One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
- I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I? ugly
- An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"
- What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car? Rex
(made this one up myself!) - What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull returning from a kids playground
- What has four legs and one arm? A happy pitbull.
- I used to work with this black lady who had one arm and one leg ...we called her Elbony
Howlingly Hilarious One Arm Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about one arm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strong arm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one arm pranks.
I got a strange note in my bag at the taco bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What does an Italian have if he's born with one arm shorter than the other ?
A speech impediment.
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?
- an excavator
Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
The Farmer
A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.
The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE s**... WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"
The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"
The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"
Drive through counter was being robbed...
While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o
My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"
I replied, "Single-handedly."
How do you get a one armed newfie out of a tree?
Wave.
How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree?
Wave
I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…
Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.
Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.
Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.
I told her she won't find what she's looking for.
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a pig under one arm.
He looks at his wife in bed and says,
"Well, this is the cow i've been sleeping with for the last 5 years."
"I think you'll find that's a pig", she replies.
To which the farmer says,
"I think you'll find i was talking to the pig."
Friend born without one arm
She told me not to be afraid of her, she's harmless
How can you tell between a German and a Frenchman?
Whether he's raising one arm or two
Why did a company employ a person with a single arm instead of someone with both arms?
Because the guy with one arm can do everything single-handedly
How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?
Wave to him!
I ran into a one armed fisherman
I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"
This joke works better in person.
Two guys go into a diner...
The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."
What's the best part of dating a one armed girl?
At least she probably won't give you the clap
Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair
He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket
Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"
"Impersonating an office, sir."
It must s**... to have one arm...
Until you get arrested.
I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals
It's only shift work, though.
What do you call an old sound technician with one arm?
Mono.
A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,
one armed and dangerous.
Why did the gangster shoot the man with one arm?
Because he was a crip
I went to Franco-German gymnastics the other day.
Sometimes we had to raise one arm, sometimes both.
my grandpa, a ww2 vet, returned from the war with one arm.
we still don't know who's arm this is
Would you agree that it's bad for Facebook to steal users' blood and use it to create a clone army?
That's an interesting question that I'll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?
What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?
An excavator.
What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?
A terrible disability.
How do you get a one armed polish guy out of a tree?
Wave.
What was he doing up in the tree in the first place?
Raking leaves.
how do you kill a blonde with only one arm that climbed a lamppost?
You wave to her.
What's worse than losing one arm?
Losing both your arms.
What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?
He never mentions "on the other hand"
What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?
He gets stumped.
Why did the one armed man cross the street?
To find a second hand arms dealer...
(changeup on ShaclOne's joke)
Did you hear about the one armed fisherman?
He caught a fish this big!
How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?
You talk to him!
What do you call a woman with one arm?
Eilene.
Pain
People say you can only feel pain in 1 place at a time their right.
I slit my wrist on one arm and got a papercut on the other.
The papercut still hurt more.
What do you call a T-Rex with one arm.
Extinct
Today a woman with one arm was visibly upset at my restaurant
As she was leaving I asked my manager if she was alright. He looked at me and said, No man, she's obviously all left.
A one armed man got kicked out of the Plaza Hotel
Apparently they only cater for tourists.
What do you call a one armed water skier
Skip
I was on the way to the shop when I saw my mate Colin, he's only got one arm bless him
I work at a furniture store. My boss asked me to label and price all the new items.
I said, "Hey boss. How do you want me to label this stone armchair?"
He said, "No man, clay chair."
A woman calls the police claiming a one armed man is trying to kill her...
They say to her "don't worry about him mam, he's hＡＲＭＬＥＳＳ."
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
Medical Exams
Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, the older one replied.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No sir, said the younger brother, our mother.
Your mother? the doctor asked. You idiot, women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.
What do you call it when a one armed person waves at you?
Jazz hand
What do you call something with four legs and one arm?
A pitbull coming back from a playground...
What's got four legs and one arm?
A Pitbull in a child's bedroom.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, replied the older brother.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No, sir, our mother.
Your mother? said the doctor. Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.
