One Arm Jokes
106 one arm jokes and hilarious one arm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about one arm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest One Arm Short Jokes
Short one arm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The one arm humour may include short missing arm jokes also.
- I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"
- Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving? Because you only need one arm to drum along..
- How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't, there are no elephants with one arm
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
- arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
- My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
- I went into the bank earlier to check my balance Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched
- A man walks into a bar with a big slab of tarmac/asphalt under his arm... The barman asks him, "So what can I get you?"
"I'll have a pint and eh, one for the road." - No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics, but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.
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One Arm One Liners
Which one arm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with one arm? I can suggest the ones about one leg and strong arm.
- Have you heard about the one-armed super hero? He single handedly stops crime.
- I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals. It's shift work.
- How did the one armed man save the world? Single handedly!
- What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
- How do you get an one-armed person down a tree Wave at them
- How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? You wave at her.
- People with only one arm... Am I right?
- Did you hear about the one-armed man that robbed the bank? He did it single-handedly.
- One arm butlers they can take it but they can't dish it out…
- Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop. - How do you get a one-armed dumb guy out of a tree? Wave to him.
- Friend born without one arm She told me not to be afraid of her, she's harmless
- How can you tell between a German and a Frenchman? Whether he's raising one arm or two
- I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits... He was a small arms dealer.
- A one armed man enters a store and asks: "Is this a second hand shop?"
One Arm Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny one arm man jokes and even better one arm man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"
- In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . . Could still have a better punchline than this.
- A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm... Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"
Bartender: "How much did it cost?"
Disabled Man: "A lot!" - A man walks onto a plane... ... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"
- Why did the gangster shoot the man with one arm? Because he was a crip
- A man with one leg and no arms... A man with one leg and no arms was waiting for a bus, when the bus came, the driver looked at him and said "Hop on, you look 'armless enough!".
- A one-armed man was robbed The robber said "stick it up"
- How does a one-armed man swim? In circles
- Why did the one armed man cross the street? To find a second hand arms dealer...
(changeup on ShaclOne's joke) - Today a woman with one arm was visibly upset at my restaurant As she was leaving I asked my manager if she was alright. He looked at me and said, No man, she's obviously all left.
One Arm One Leg Jokes
Here is a list of funny one arm one leg jokes and even better one arm one leg puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between an expensive purchase and a loud noise that scares a chicken? One costs an arm and a leg. The other caused alarm and an egg.
- I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I? ugly
- An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"
- What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs driving a car? Rex
(made this one up myself!) - I used to work with this black lady who had one arm and one leg ...we called her Elbony
- What did the British guy say to the hitchhiker with three eyes, one leg, and no arms? Aye, Aye, Aye! You look 'armless! Hop in!
- Jackie forever - This one time I was helping a blind girl up... She said "Wow sir, you have big arms!"
"Nah." I replied. "You're just pulling my leg." - Why do pirates only have one hand and one leg? Their ship cost them an arm and a leg
- What do you call a man with no arm, no legs, no body and no head Well not a man for one thing
- What has four legs and one arm? A K-9 unit on MLK Boulevard
Howlingly Hilarious One Arm Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about one arm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean short arm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make one arm pranks.
I got a strange note in my bag at the taco bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?
A severe speech impediment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.
I got in a tiff with Riley.
Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.
That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.
Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.
Drive through counter was being robbed...
While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o
My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"
I replied, "Single-handedly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree?
Wave
I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…
Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.
Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.
Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.
I told her she won't find what she's looking for.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did a company employ a person with a single arm instead of someone with both arms?
Because the guy with one arm can do everything single-handedly
I ran into a one armed fisherman
I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"
This joke works better in person.
Two guys go into a diner...
The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was thinking of having a hot dog but I've changed my mind."
Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair
He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket
Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"
"Impersonating an office, sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It must s**... to have one arm...
Until you get arrested.
What do you call an old sound technician with one arm?
Mono.
A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,
one armed and dangerous.
I went to Franco-German gymnastics the other day.
Sometimes we had to raise one arm, sometimes both.
Would you agree that it's bad for Facebook to steal users' blood and use it to create a clone army?
That's an interesting question that I'll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?
How do you get a one armed polish guy out of a tree?
Wave.
What was he doing up in the tree in the first place?
Raking leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
how do you kill a blonde with only one arm that climbed a lamppost?
You wave to her.
What's worse than losing one arm?
Losing both your arms.
Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?
He never mentions "on the other hand"
What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?
He gets stumped.
Did you hear about the one armed fisherman?
He caught a fish this big!
How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?
You talk to him!
What do you call a woman with one arm?
Eilene.
What do you call a T-Rex with one arm.
Extinct
A one armed man got kicked out of the Plaza Hotel
Apparently they only cater for tourists.
I was on the way to the shop when I saw my mate Colin, he's only got one arm bless him
I work at a furniture store. My boss asked me to label and price all the new items.
I said, "Hey boss. How do you want me to label this stone armchair?"
He said, "No man, clay chair."
A woman calls the police claiming a one armed man is trying to kill her...
They say to her "don't worry about him mam, he's hＡＲＭＬＥＳＳ."
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical Exams
Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, the older one replied.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No sir, said the younger brother, our mother.
Your mother? the doctor asked. You idiot, women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.
What do you call it when a one armed person waves at you?
Jazz hand
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, replied the older brother.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No, sir, our mother.
Your mother? said the doctor. Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.
I've dated a girl with one arm.
No matter what she was telling me...she was always right.
There was a kleptomaniac with one arm
When he went shopping, he got a five-finger discount.
Why are all of Def Leppard's songs at half tempo?
Because their drummer only has one arm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a mexican with one arm shorter than the other?
not evennnn
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Army Brats Funny Joke
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**.... "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p**...!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Adam is a little lonely...
About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely....
God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around.
Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself.
"There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm."
Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"
What do you call a man with one arm?
Hand Solo
Who's that one armed rockstar drummer?
Oh yeah, Phil Rudd. Too soon?
What is yellow and cannot swim ?
A yellow digger.
Why can't it swim ?
It has only one arm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
7 mildly offensive jokes
**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **
A speech impediment.
**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **
Row row row your boat.
**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a r**... baby? **
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were
getting their physicals. During the inspection,
the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long,
oversized p**....
"How do you account for this?" he asked the
brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated
p**...?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have
pen*ses!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only
had one arm, and when it came to getting us
out of the bathtub, she had to manage as
best she could.
Three Badass Mice walk into a bar.
Three mice walk into a bar.
The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "That's nothin'. In my neighborhood we have that rat-poison stuff. I grab it, throw it in my water and gargle it. It ain't nothin'. I'm a badass mouse."
The third mouse slams his beer, gets up, and starts walking away. The other two ask, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at them and says, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
