Oncoming Jokes
26 oncoming jokes and hilarious oncoming puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about oncoming that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Oncoming Short Jokes
Short oncoming jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The oncoming humour may include short arriving jokes also.
- On which side do you drive? On which side do you drive?
American: Right-side.
Britisher: Left-side
Indian: Depends on which side the oncoming traffic is. - Investigation shows Teen who collided head-on with a school bus intentionally moved into oncoming traffic There are some lines that should never be crossed.
Share These Oncoming Jokes With Friends
Oncoming One Liners
Which oncoming one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with oncoming? I can suggest the ones about coming faster than and incoming.
- How did Timmy dodge the oncoming car? He didn't
- Light at the end of the tunnel, my misery will be over so soon! It's an oncoming train!
- Hug? Said the bunny to the oncoming lawnmower
Humorous Oncoming Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about oncoming you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean upcoming jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make oncoming pranks.
A pessimist, an optimist, and a realist look down a train tunnel
The pessimist sees a long dark tunnel
The optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees that the light is an oncoming train
The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
A lawyer was in his BMW...
...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...
Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy was born without a body
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
A man is driving in the highway
When his wife calls him very saying "watch out, a crazy man is driving into oncoming traffic in the highway you usually take to work"
The man replies: "one? Everyone is doing it"
Don't Swear At Other Drivers!
Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.
old man gets a call from his wife
wife: "stay off the highway. I'm watching the news and there's a maniac driving into oncoming traffic!"
old man: "it's worse than you think! I see hundreds of them!"
Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?
Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.
They call it the clam before the storm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit s**...?
He jumped behind an oncoming train.
My girlfriend is so reckless...
We were standing at the top of my driveway, I let go of her hand for one second and all of a sudden shes at the bottom of the driveway about to go headfirst into oncoming traffic.
No wonder she ended up in a wheelchair.
So a snail goes to a car dealership
and requests the fastest sports car the dealer has to offer. The car dealer points him to a brand new red race car, fastest in the market. The snail is ecstatic and buys it, telling the car dealer he'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.
"But before I do pick it up," says the snail, "I'd like a big 'S' painted on each side!"
The car dealer obliges, paints a big 'S' on each side of the car, and waits until the next day for the snail to return. Well, the snail returns, hops into his car, and speeds off through the wall into the oncoming traffic, driving off. The car dealer's boss runs up to the car dealer and exclaims,
"Wow! Look at that S car go!"
A man's clothes got caught on a loose edge of the train track just as the train was approaching
Not able to free him himself, he began to pray. "Save me Lord and I'll start going to church and maybe even help the poor." As the train drew closer and closer and his clothes were still caught, he began to pray more fervently. "Oh Dear Lord Almighty, I'll give up drinking, I'll donate all my savings to charity, I'll be a better man, just please please save me from this oncoming train!"
As he finished his prayer, the fabric of his clothes ripped just a little bit and he came free just in time as the train rushed past. The man looked up to the sky and shouted, "Never mind, God. I took care of it myself."
A priest was driving at night
When he saw a car in the oncoming g lane swerving wildly all across the road. The priest had to swerve himself to not get hit and ended up hitting the ditch and rolling his car into the nearby field. Fortunately, he was unhurt, just a little shaken, and climbed out of the wreckage.
The car he was swerving from stops and backs up, and a clearly drunk man climbs out.
"Are you okay?" asks the drunk.
"Yes," says the priest. "The Lord was with me."
"Well you better let him ride with me," says the drunk. "You're gonna kill him!"
Could have been me...
Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had a flat tire the other day...
I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work
on the side of the road.
People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck the n**... cardboard men were
doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know!
So I told him .... "Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ....
They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"
I go to court in August.
What can happen when a car breaks down?
A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk.
Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic.
Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks.
"My car just broke down," the woman responds.
"NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues.
"Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."
A bus full of ugly people crashes
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."