Once Upon A Time Jokes
100 once upon a time jokes and hilarious once upon a time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about once upon a time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Once Upon A Time Short Jokes
Short once upon a time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The once upon a time humour may include short back in my day jokes also.
- "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
- Woman goes to the butchers, "I'd like an oxtail please." "Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
- Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall... He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
- Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time... Many begin with "If I am elected, I promise to..."
- Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"? No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."
- Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2 I paid my $2 and he says "once upon a time, there was this lobster....."
- A girl asks her father, Do all fairytales begin with Once Upon A Time? And the father replied, No there is a whole series of fairytales that begin with 'If Elected I Promise.....
- Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales 'Sure' replied the butcher 'once upon a time an ox…'
Sorry messed up title should read 'ox tails' whoops - I passed by a roadside stand that said "lobster tails: $2" So I stopped, paid my $2 and the man said,
"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..." - A little girl asked her Dad one day, Dad, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time?' Her Dad replied, No honey, some of them begin with 'If I'm elected.'
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Once Upon A Time One Liners
Which once upon a time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with once upon a time? I can suggest the ones about earlier and occasionally.
- Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest. It was a clerical error.
- Once upon a time there was a Chinese man and a Chinese woman Look how many there are now
- Once upon a time there was a man. Today there are many
- Once upon a time... A Long looooong time ago, there was a man. Now there are many.
- Once upon a time, there was a Mexican family... that had only Juan kid.
- With flu season upon us, the only time I don't feel under the weather is on an airplane.
- Once upon a time a guy was left hanging...
- Once upon a time there lived a pair of sneakers... ...especially the left one
- Lives are like a box of chocolates Taking more than one at a time is frowned upon.
- How do all Mexican fairy tales begin? Juan-ce upon a time...
- How do you start a Mexican bedtime story? Juans upon a time.
- Once Upon a Time Is a brilliant series
- I have a story to tell you all, Once Upon a Time... I killed you
- Once upon a time a model went camping It was pretty intense.
- Once upon a time there was a pirate ship... ... and then the original ship came by.
Comical Once Upon A Time Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about once upon a time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old time jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make once upon a time pranks.
Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.
While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.
After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.
Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.
God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.
They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".
A little girl asked her father...
A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with `Once Upon A Time`?
He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with `If elected I promise`.
The Drums Must Not Stop
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"
The chief replied, "Bass solo."
The Secret of the Red Shirt
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Fairy tales
A father is tucking in his son at night. His son asks him if he can tell him a fairy tale.
"Of course," the father replies. He begins telling a story, "Once upon a time..."
The son interrupts him, asking "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
The father says, "No, son. In fact, most fairy tales begin with the words, 'When I'm elected...'"
Anyone there?
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
A cut above the rest
Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped forward and released a fly from a box and the Japanese samurai cut the fly in two. "very impressive" said the emperor. "Chinese Swordsman Show me your stuff", the Chinese man stepped forth and released a fly from its box and with two swings of his swords cut the fly neatly into Quarters. "A marvelous feat" the Chinese swordsman was pleased. "How are you going to top that Jewish samurai?" The Jewish Samurai stepped forth and released his fly from a box, and with a mighty blow swepped his sword through the air and the fly continued to fly about. "what kind of skill is that? the fly isn't dead" the emperor laughed. "dead is easy" the Jewish samurai replied "Circumcision... now that takes skill".
Once upon a time, there were two cavemen...
There were two cavemen overlooking the tundra.
Caveman 1: Hey look! A flock of elephants!
Caveman 2: Herd?
Caveman 1: Herd of what?
Caveman 2: HERD of elephants.
Caveman 1: 'course I have! There's a flock of them, right over there!
A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his s**... life...
Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, s**... and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
In and Out
(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)
Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.
One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"
After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"
Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.
Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"
Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."
Real Middle-aged Texting.
Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"
Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"
Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."
Woman: "Mine parents shall rest in the hour next. Upon that time, I shall make mine escape, and help you polish your sword."
Man: "Mine sword shall stand in waiting for thine touch."
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
A West Virginian gets married and him and his wife go to bed together for the first time...
And his new wife tells him to take it easy on her as she's a v**.... Upon finding this out he tells her "well if you're not good enough for your dad than you're not good enough for me, get out."
The road was wet, the moon was high, we were alone, just her and I. The moon was bright, her eyes were too, I knew just what she wanted to do.. So with my courage, I did my best, and placed my hand, upon her breast. I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how..
It was my first time ever, milking a cow.
Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?
Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,
"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"
A man walks into a Japanese bar...
he wants a v**..., so he walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a Stoli the bartended replies, "Once upon a time..."
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"
Bengal Lancers joke from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
D: which side were you on?
LP: I rode with the British Cavalry.
D: What was the name of that outfit?
LP: The Bengal Lancers
D: (Starts laughing.) That's funny.
Little girl: No, it's not.
D: Sure i is. Think about it.
Little Girl: You're right. It is funny.
I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today
I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.
A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same guy, but this time he only had one cigarette in his mouth.
I asked him if his friend got out of jail to which he responded "Nah man, I quit smoking"
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London...
As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent.
"Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"
What is the difference between english and russian fairy tales?
English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.."
Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon..
When you wish upon a star,
wish upon Proxima Centari. At 4.2 light years away it's likely to have the best return time.
Make me feel like a woman one last time
The pilot of an aeroplane announces they're about to c**... and there is no sign of hope. Upon hearing this a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells "Is there anybody man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?" To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells "Here, iron this!"
A guest at a restaurant asks the waiter...
"do you have lobster tails?"
The waiter replies: "Of course! Once upon a time, there was a little lobster....."
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
A man goes to prison for the first time
A young man goes to prison for the first time, upon arriving in his cell, his cellmate, a towering monster of a human being says to him: "There is one rule in this cell, you can play the mamma or you can play the daddy. Since this is your first day, I will let you pick." The young man says: "Ok, I will be the daddy." The towering monster then says: "Alright, now come over here and give mamma some head."
I went hunting with my preacher.
We went hunting in the same spot together. A deer walked out and we both shot at the same time. Upon inspecting the deer, we couldn't find any bullet holes. I said "It must be yours preacher. The bullet was like your sermons. It went in one ear and out the other!"
Mike Tyson recently recovered from a m**... overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.
When asked about the full story, he responded with,
"I was really methed up at the time"
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, he came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, Why aren't you multiplying?
The snakes replied, We can't, we're adders.
Once upon a time in a bar far far away....
The "Pessimist" saw cups half EMPTY
The "Optimist" saw the cups half FULL
*The woman slapped them both for staring !*
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Son to father: Do all fairytales begin with, Once upon a time?
Father to son:
No, some begin with, if elected I promise…
Once upon a time
...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.
Now in this community it was c
A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...
After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"
"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"
The Indian replies...
"Sticky face"
A little girl asks her mum
A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a c**..."
Once upon a time a boy asked a girl in a library
Do you mind if I sit next to you the girl shouts I don't want to spend the night with you everyone starts staring at him the boy feeling embarrassed sits at another table. A minute later the walks up to him and says I study psychology you must feel embarrassed the boys shouts $300 dollars is to much for one night everyone starts starring the girl then the boy whispers I am a lawyer I know how to make someone guilty.
An Act of Malicious Conpliance
Teacher: Write a short story. You have a strict 140-character limit.
Student: Once upon a time, Snow White lived with 139 Dwarves. The end.
Once upon a time...
My friends asked me, "what happens if you don't finish a joke?"
"Well," I told him
An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.
She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out
"Oh god help me!"
Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"
The atheist responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster five minutes ago either!"
What's the difference between US and USSR fairy tales?
US fairy tales start with "Once upon a time there was"
USSR fairy tales start with "Really soon there will be"
A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.
They must be small," he says.
"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.
"Well they're old then."
"Fresh today," she answers.
"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.
The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.
"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."
I stopped at a roadside stand where a sign read "LOBSTER TAILS $5."
I paid my $5 and the guy said....
"Once upon a time, there was this lobster....."
A little son asks his father what a communism is...
...and the father starts explaining:
"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it was a coup, and it wasn't in october, it was in november..."
"Jesus, dad, what a mess!" proclaims the son.
"Son, now you understand communism!"
What's the difference between a northern and a southern fairytale?
A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**......"
Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."
They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.
One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.
"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"
Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."
My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset
I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.
Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.
I went to the beach yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign that said "Lobster Tails $1".
I thought that was a good deal, so I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
Once upon a time...
The Seven Dwarves were all taking a bath and feeling happy. Happy got out, so they all felt grumpy.
Today I stopped at the road-side stall that said "Lobster Tails: $2"
So I paid my $2 and the guy goes "Once upon a time there was a lobster...."
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked a blonde waitress for a lobster tail.
She smiled sweetly and said, * Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster… *
What's the difference between a fairy tale and a r**... tale?
Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while r**... tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**......"
Long ago in a far away land,
A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.
"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our v**... girls" one of the villagers replies.
The hero then promises to help with their predicament and gets to work.
In three weeks' time, the dragon starved to death.
It was terrible, moaned John upon entering the classroom a half hour late.
I left with plenty of time to arrive at school on time, but it was so slippery that every step I took, I slipped two steps back.
Well, said the teacher, with a suspicious look on his face, how in the world did you get here at all?
Well, replied the student, finally after twenty minutes I gave up and started heading home!
When I was road tripping through Maine I saw a shack at the side of the road with a sign saying $2 Lobster tails.
I thought this sounded like a bargain so I stopped, I paid my $2 and the old man at the window says "once upon a time there was this lobster..."
Once Upon A Time..
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler..
Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn't pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.
The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.
Mummy, how was I born?
A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, Mummy, how was I born**?**
The mother smiled and replied:
Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day.
After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a c**....
a joke translated from turkish
Once upon a time there was a pit in a village, people used to wound themselves from falling into the pit. 3 elders of the village unite to a find a solution to this pit.
First one says that we should place an ambulance next to the pit, that way people will get to the hospital faster
Second one says that we should build a hospital next to the pit that way it will be even faster
Before the third one could talk Chad jumps in and says "y'all are idiots why don't we fill this pit up and dig one up next to the hospital.
A Lawyer and an Honest Man
Bill and Phil were taking a stroll through a graveyard when they happened upon a tombstone with the epitaph, "Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"
Bill looked at Phil and said, "Times must have been tough back then, they were burying them two deep."
Seafood for thought
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…
My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …
When I was a kid, he began every story with Once upon a time-and-a-half …
My marriage is like a fairytale.
I was charming and my wife was beautiful, Once upon a time...
