omg Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious omg puns

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum


If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit


Two blondes are having a conversation...

Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange!

The other respond:

OMG! So, it's not a box?!?


Deaf people probably get very excited when going on Omegle for the first time


"OMG How did you know?!"


A blonde is in a car accident.

I think I have a concussion, she tells the paramedic.

The paramedic says, OK, let's check you out. How many fingers do I have up?

The blonde replied, OMG, my ass is paralyzed too?


Husband and his wife at night conversation

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".


Mrs Jenny a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?"

A five years girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".


Oxygen and Magnesium are going out



I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up last night.

I was like OMg.


OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!!

THen I got ad-blocker


The watch

There is a guy in a bar trying to pick up a nice girl he saw. He paid a drink for her and they get into chatting. The guy was wearing a big nice watch which appeared to display a lot of functions.
"Nice watch" she said, while they were trying to break the ice. "Well, it does a lot of things", he said. "Like what?" "Well, for example, it could tell me what color your undies are." "No! I don't believe this. Prove it!" she said. The guy looked at the watch and said: "OMG, you don't wear any undies!" "Oh, you're wrong, she said. I wear undies and they are light blue". "No way, said the guy in surprise and he looked again at the watch knocking it's screen... After a while he concluded: "Oh, it must be 20 minutes fast."


Russian joke.

A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor.

"Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off"

"Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice


Me: *gets down on one knee*

she: OMG it's finally happening.

me: *falls over*

she: the poison is kicking in.


Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating.



A guy with a 25 inch penis asked to God ...

Guy: My penis is too long. I can't live life like this.

God: Go to the pond near your home and ask the frog there to marry you. You'll lose 5 inches of your penis if she says "NO"

Guy proposed to the frog and she said "No". He lost 5 inches. He tried it again and he lost 5 more inches when she repeated "NO". He thought to himself, "15 inches is still a bit too much. 10" should be ideal." So he went to to the frog again.

Guy: Will you marry me?

Frog: OMG, How many times do I tell you!! "NO! NO! NO!!! Go AWAY!"


While in bed, my girlfriend said, "OMG it's so large!"

Problem is, I'm a serious arachnophobe, and it was right next to me.


Girl goes back to her dorm room and tells her very blonde roommate...

I slept with a BRAZILIAN MAN last night!" Her roommate replies, "OMG YOU SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???!!"


It's a blond joke

A blond, brunette, and a red head decide to see what their daughters carry in their purses.

The brunette opens up her daughter's purse and finds a pack of cigarettes and says OMG my daughter smokes I'm so ashamed.

The red head opens her daughter's purse and finds a crushed beer can and says I'm so ashamed my daughter drinks.

The blond opens her daughter's purse and finds a used condom and she replies omg I'm so ashamed my daughter has a penis!


[True Story] So today I had to get three wisdom teeth pulled and I jokingly told my girlfriend that I was going to ask the dentist how long before I had could go down on my girlfriend?

Well that was too just funny and just between us. "Maybe I should ask how long after the surgery before I can suck a cock again?"..we both laughed hard. But omg the anesthesia must kicked in and I ACTUALLY asked the doctor. I don't remember a thing my gf relayed everything later. But I was insistent on knowing the answer apparently, in which the docter said," Well I guess that is considered a soft food so I think your okay."


Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.......

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:

"Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"

A ghostly Silence reigned!

He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:

"I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my should see my pants."

One passenger replies -

"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!


Plane Tragedy....

Co-pilot was welcoming the passengersย on the plane shortly after take off.ย "Thank you for flying with us this morning.ย The weather is....." When suddenlyย he starts screaming while he is stillย on the loud speakers.ย "Oh my God!" "OMG" "OMG"ย This is going to hurt....Its burning"ย A ghostly Silence reigned,ย He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers.ย "I sincerely apologise for the incident but the air hostessย just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...ย you should see my pants from the front"ย A passenger replies,ย "Why don't you come hereย and see our PANTS FROMย BEHIND"!


When Oxygen and Potassium were dating, it was all OK.

But when they broke up and I saw Oxygen with Magnesium, I was like "OMg!"


A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."


A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today.

A man looked and said "OMG!" That's disgusting!

Looking back on it, that might not have been the best time to masturbate.


Had some medical tests. Sometimes ignorance is bliss

Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.

Me: Oh no. What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Me: OMG. What's the worse news?

Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.


What kind of train eats too much?

A chew chew train


omg please PM me

I'm so lonely

I need friends


A Clever & Smart Husband

I Sent A Text To My Wife Last Night: Hi Babe I'm At The Pub With Some Lads, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favourite Dish Before I Return.

I Sent Another Text: Babe I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I'm Getting You A New Car

She Text Back In One Second: OMG Really?

I Replied: No I Just Wanted To Make Sure You Got My First Message.


2 blondes are talking with each other about their previous nights

The first blonde says "It was amazing! I slept with a Brazilian guy!"

The other blonde replies "OMG! How many is a Brazilian?!"


A husband and wife are getting married....

Minister: And now your wedding vows

Groom: A E I O U

Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously?

Groom: sometimes....why?


Don't you hate when you go to someone else's place and they ask these stupid questions

Like what are you doing here? , who are you? and omg, is that a real gun?


Just found out oxygen and magnesium finally got together

I was like OMg


Just met a guy

I saw this in one of my university facebook pages:
Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.


A redhead tells her blonde sister "I slept with a Brazilian"...

The blonde says "OMG! you slut! How many is a brazilian?"


A redhead tells her blonde step-sister that she slept with a Brazilian...

...and she replies with "Omg! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"


Heart surgery

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I'm just kidding, he's in the bathroom.

It's not my joke but I never saw it here so I decided to tell it.


What are the most funny Omg jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Omg? Well, here are the best Omg dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Omg pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes