Olympics Jokes
166 olympics jokes and hilarious olympics puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about olympics that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A lighthearted look at the Olympics: get ready for some of the funniest jokes about the Olympics - from the Winter Olympics to the Special Olympics, from Tokyo 2020 to Rio 2016. Whether you're laughing along with the legendary Olympic "runners" or cheering for the greatest athletes in the world, these jokes will have you rolling!
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Funniest Olympics Short Jokes
Short olympics jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The olympics humour may include short athlete jokes also.
- The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
- What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
- With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
- Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics? because they practice at the best schools
- Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 winter Olympics? It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for
- At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
- If laziness was an Olympic sport. I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
- It was announced yesterday that the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.
- North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win. Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea
- Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics? She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.
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Olympics One Liners
Which olympics one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with olympics? I can suggest the ones about special olympics and winter olympics.
- Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because africa isn't a country.
- 2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico
silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico - Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can get is bronze.
- Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?
- What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated? Discuss
- The Winter Olympics. Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
- I would have won the Junior Olympics too... ..if it weren't for you medalling kids.
- Not trying to brag or anything... But I have never lost in the Olympics.
- What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country
- I took part in the sun tanning Olympics. I just got Bronze.
- Why has Mexico never won olympic gold? All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.
- Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics? He was on performance-enhancing rug.
- How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete? A Brazilian.
- What's better than winning gold at the special Olympics? Walking
- Who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team? Mr. Do Ping
Special Olympics Jokes
Here is a list of funny special olympics jokes and even better special olympics puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did they have to cancel the volleyball games in the special olympics? It wasn't going over too well.
- What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato? The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
- The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics. Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.
- I find humour in the simple things... That's why I am banned from all Special Olympics events.
- Why did they cancel basketball in the Special Olympics? All the players kept getting disqualified for excessive dribbling.
- The Special Olympics is like Nascar. You're not watching it for the race...
- What do Special Olympics golfers always ask each other? "What's your handicap?"
- Did you hear the President overruled Betsy DeVos and is restoring the Special Olympics funding? I hear he wants to compete.
- Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan. This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.
- Donald Trump spends more money on Trips to play golf at Mara Lago than it would cost to put on the Special Olympics he wants to cut Can we make the Special Olympics Trump golf at Mara Logo ?
Rio Olympics Jokes
Here is a list of funny rio olympics jokes and even better rio olympics puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common? Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
- This years Olympics in Rio is going to be one of the most steady and relaxing Games in history No one will be Russian.
- How bad was the Rio 2016 Olympic? None of the North Korean athletes defected.
- What's the difference between the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presedential race? The Olympic competitors are qualified.
- With the concerns over water quality at the upcoming Rio Olympic games, I think we should ask, what would Jesus do? Walk on water, he ain't swimming in that filth.
- Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics? It was fabricated.
- What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics? Wai Tu Yung
- Donald Trump was down in Rio at the Olympics. He wanted to see how high the Mexican pole vault team was getting.
- What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro? zika blyat
- What emerged from the Olympic pools and wreaked havoc in Rio? The Lochte-Mess Monster of coarse.
Winter Olympics Jokes
Here is a list of funny winter olympics jokes and even better winter olympics puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My favorite winter Olympic sport is women's curling... Because it's the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it's because I'm a sexist pig.
- Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics? Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.
- Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics? Because they always bring their eh Game.
- So I heard that they are going to stop handing out medals at the Winter Olympics.. Because they're snow winners.
- Why was the penguin banned from the Winter Olympics? He was caught taking Polaroids.
- Just saw a guy from Helsinki dominate the cross-country skiing event at the Winter Olympics He led the race from start to Finnish.
- I'm looking forward to taking part in the sun tanning event in the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games... I'm going for the Bronze...
- Why will Islamic State sweep all the winning Gold medals in 2018 Winter Olympics? They will introduce Border Cross as an olympic sport.
Drum Fill! - What do you call a winter Olympic athlete that is being picked on? A Luge-er
- Chuck Norris can won the winter Olympics...
In the summer.
Summer Olympics Jokes
Here is a list of funny summer olympics jokes and even better summer olympics puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Little known fact about me: I was supposed to compete in the 1988 summer Olympics in Seoul... ...but I suffered a Korea ending injury.
- I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."
- Why does Mexico always underperform in the summer olympics? Because everyone that can run, swim or jump is in USA.
- What happens when you don't make the summer Olympics? You luge.
- What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.
- Why is there no Mexican Summer Olympic Team? Because anyone that can run, jump, or swim is in the US already
- Breaking News: Russian Roulette to make a comeback in the Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics. Is this at least kinda funny? Asking for a friend...
- Why is FIFA never on the same year as the summer olympics? Because all the players are on the diving team.
- Hear about the 2020 summer olympics? They're going to hold the water sports in Houston.
Cheerful Fun Olympics Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about olympics you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean summer olympics jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make olympics pranks.
Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?
He was so proud, he had it bronzed.
Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital...
Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.
Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?
Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.
Olympics, the new tower of Babel
The German Olympian
I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"
I can't describe how disappointed I am...
...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony
A Friend Of Mine Asked Why The Mexican's Never Do Great In The Olympics
I looked at him and said, "Well Tommy, you see, all the ones that can run, jump, or swim, are already in America."
After one week of the Olympics, the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze
lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.
Somalis at the Olympics...
The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.
Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?
Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...
The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"
What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?
I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!
Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?
Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.
Special h**...
Getting a h**... from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...
You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...
How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?
The ones with food.
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?
Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?
Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that d**... Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.
Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?
Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s**....
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s**... life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime
You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.
What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?
Weight for it...
A reporter is looking for someone to interview at the Summer Olympics
He sees a man carrying a twelve-foot pole and asks, "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replies, "No, I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Olympics Ticket
To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.
If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
I was watching women's volleyball during the Olympics and there was already a wrist injury
But don't worry, I should be fine by Monday.
North Korea athletes...
North Korea athletes, who fail to win gold medals in this year's Olympic Games, will have a chance to win gold medals in the next Paralympic Games.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics.
The police are still searching for him.
At the Olympics
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized,
That's probably why they're still in Cuba.
Did you hear about the blonde that won the gold medal in the Olympics?
She was so proud she had it bronzed.
After watching the Olympics, a little boy says to his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be like Ryan Lochte!"
She says, "Honey, you can't have it both ways."
Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?
Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Last time I had s**..., it felt like the 100m Olympic final.
There were 8 black men and a gun.
Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?
To see how high Mexicans can pole vault
Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?
Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.
What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics?
Not being r**...
A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.."
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"
Why are there no Mexican teams in the olympics?
If a mexican can run, jump or swim, they're in the US.
What do the Special Olympics and a h**... have in common?
You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.
Walter.
I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
A girl I know said the last time she had s**..., it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said,
"Eight black men and a gun."
Why do mexicans never win the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump and swim are in the US.
I met an olympic athlete yesterday...
'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.
'No' He replied. 'I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?'
I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.
There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.
At Munich Airport
A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks are you a pole vaulter?
The man clearly annoyed responds no, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!
Why does Mexico never hold the olympics?
Everyone that can run, jump, and swim are already out of the country.
Olympic condoms (n**...)
A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"
Why does Africa never win the Olympics?
Because it's a continent, d**....
If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...
I would probably get bronze.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team
Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?
All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.
"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."
"It's a vicious cycle."
"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."
"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."
Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'
He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'
