Olympic Jokes

Following is our collection of tournament humor and rio one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Olympic puns for adults, dirty medalist jokes or clean athlete gags for kids.

There is an abundance of olympia jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes on olympic. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any medal witze you can hear about olympic.

The Best jokes about Olympic

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.


At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they're going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can get is bronze.


Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

If laziness was an Olympic sport

I would've placed 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners' stairs

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

At the Olympics

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss


Olympics, the new tower of Babel

The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"

How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

The ones with food.

I met an olympic athlete yesterday...

'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.

'No' He replied. 'I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?'

Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

I was at the last Olympics

I saw a guy carrying what looked like fibreglass scaffolding

I said to him "are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He said "Nien, I am German, how did you know my name is Walter?"

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I saw an ad for a prison. Apparently they have the safest gym in the country.

There's an Olympic sports doctor there 24/7.

At Munich Airport

A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks are you a pole vaulter?

The man clearly annoyed responds no, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women's curling...

Because it's the one time every four years I can yell, sweep harder at a woman, and no one thinks it's because I'm a sexist pig.

A man is out shopping and discovers

a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

While watching Olympic kayaking, I was surprised at how bad the Cuban team was at paddling. Then I realized,

That's probably why they're still in Cuba.

Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event?

Cross country

Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?

Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already

Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.

"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.."

"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."

"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

*


So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

*

My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

*


I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

*


As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

*

Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

*

7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist

What do a catholic priest and an olympic silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team

Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.

North Korea athletes...

North Korea athletes, who fail to win gold medals in this year's Olympic Games, will have a chance to win gold medals in the next Paralympic Games.

Who's the fastest runner in the chinese olympic team?

Mr. Do Ping

What was the Olympic lifter missing from his bar ?

Weight for it...

I can't describe how disappointed I am...

...that the Congo weren't in single file in the Olympic Opening Ceremony

Drunk Biker

A drunk biker wanders into a lesbian bar,

Leaning against the bar orders a beer and says to the bartender "do you wanna hear a good blonde joke "

Now the bartender says " Hey buddy think about this , Your in a our bar , and that woman over there the blonde is a UFC heavy weight champ. That blonde over there is a 4 Dan black belt. That blonde over there is a Olympic boxing champ. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke.?"

The biker takes along sip of beer thinks for a sec and replies : Nahhhh not if I gotta explain it 3 times. "

Why does the Mexican Olympic team always do so badly?

Because anyone who can swim, run, or climb is already in America.

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bride's name is Joanna.

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

If procrastination were an olympic sport

I'd compete in it later.

What did the Olympic size swimming pool say to the kiddie pool?

I can't be your friend anymore you're just too shallow!

A horse walks into a bar

.. and just like that my Olympic Equestrian Show Jumping dream was over. Thanks a lot you stupid horse.

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

If getting ordinary words confused with types of mushrooms was an Olympic sport...

I'd be world champignon.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because very one who can run, jump, climb, or swim is already in the US.

American Ginny Thrasher won gold in the Olympic shooting contest. When asked where she learned her skills

"in school" she replied.

why aren't there Olympics in Mexico?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border

Did you hear about the Olympic gymnast that was a convicted felon?

He was always known for some assaults

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.

One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.

"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."

The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"

The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."

"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"

If laziness were an olympic discipline...

... I'd want to finish 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...

Muslim countries would do so well if the Olympic were during ramadan.

Because they really fast

Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team?

Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all of them that could run, jump, or swim are in the U.S

3 surgeons discuss who is the best surgeon of them.

Says the one: "I am the best surgeon of Texas! A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them on and tomorrow he gives a private concert for the queen."

Says the second: "This is nothing! A young man lost both his arms and his legs in an accident. I stitched them back on and two years later he won the gold medal in the olympic games!"

Says the 3rd: "Amateurs! A few years ago a cowboy rode stoned and drunk in front of a train. All that remained were his buttcheeks and the blonde mane of his horse. I did the surgery on him and today he is the president of the United States."

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who would only counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because all their good runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America

What do you get when you put 8 black men and a Gun together ?

The 100m Olympic Finals, ofcourse.

Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming?

You need water to swim

How do you stop the Russians from interfering your country's elections?

Bring in the Olympic drug-testers.

How bad was the Rio 2016 Olympic?

None of the North Korean athletes defected.

Trump at the Olympics

Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.

"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."

An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital...

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.

Just been watching the Olympic ladies beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury.

But I should be okay by Monday.

What do they use to track Olympic swimmers' speed?

A speedo meter.

Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer?

He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!

So Kim Jong-un is claiming he personally hacked into Sony's servers in retaliation to them broadcasting a spoof interview.

Is there no end to this Olympic gold Medallist's
talent?

I was at the Olympics and saw a man carrying a large pole.

I asked him Are you a pole vaulter?

He replied I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?

I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village.

but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of course!" I said proudly.

She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Getting a job right out of college...

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads.

REQUIREMENTS: 5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and super powers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes