Oldie Jokes

Following is our collection of Oldie funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Oldie jokes

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Your Mom.

Oldie but a Goodie

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.

Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of sex. On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."

The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"

A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.

"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"

tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."

The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.

The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"

And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?

The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, Second, I'd want you to relax… Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…

He sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

An oldie but goodie

Three women, a redhead, brunette and blonde, find themselves stranded on a deserted island. While looking for supplies the redhead stumbled upon an old, well decorated bottle. After she brought it back to camp she and her friends began to clean it off when suddenly a genie sprang out of the bottle. In a deep, deliberate tone the genie said "You have awakened a genie! I have the power to grant any three wishes you desire. Because all three awakened me each of you get one wish!" The genie looked at the redhead who quickly shouted "I WISH TO GO HOME!" and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the brunette who couldn't say "I WISH TO GO HOME!" fast enough and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the blonde who had a tear in her eye and her head was hung low. "Why are you so sad" asked the genie, to which the blonde responded "I wish my friends were here."

An oldie but a goodie: What do Pink Floyd & Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Their last biggest hit was The Wall

An oldie, but goodie.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."

An oldie, but I always liked it.

Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn't pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general store and asked the scruffy, gap toothed man behind the counter if he could make change for an $18 bill.

The old man took it and looked it over carefully.

Sure. I can make change. Do you want two $9s or three $6s?

An oldie, but a goodie!

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He saddles up to the hottest woman there and says...

..."so, do I come here often?"

Oldie but a goodie.

An oldie but goodie. What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee.

Just heard this oldie, but goodie from a friend

Two does are walking out of a bar after a long night of drinking, and one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks."

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o'clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says I bet you $100 he does it. Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. I'm sorry man, I can't take your money. I won't lie, I saw this guy on the noon news, I knew he was gonna jump. Customer replies No, no, you won it fair and square. I saw the noon news too, but It looked so rough I never thought he'd do it twice!!

Oldie but goodie

Girl says to her mother I read better than half the other girls in my class Momma is it because I'm blonde ? Yes honey it's because you're blonde . I can run faster than most of the other girls too momma, is it because I'm blonde ? Yes honey it's because you're blonde . I have big boobies too momma, and none of the other girls have anything, is that because I'm blonde too momma ? No sweetie that's because you're 24

an oldie but a goodie

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over and retrieves the duck.

The next day the farmer takes his friend duck hunting. The farmer shoots one duck and his dog retrieves it in his unique way. His friend says nothing.

So the farmer shoots another duck and the dog retrieves it. Still his friend hasn't said a thing. So the farmer asks "Have you noticed anything unusual about my dog?"

"Yes" answered his friend, "he can't swim can he?"

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

Why did the fruit turn into a vegetable?

It got AIDS

Oldie and offensive to some I know. But it made me chuckle.

Death by Beyblades

Let it R.I.P

Oldie but a goodie

I heard 1 in 4 men are gay...

I really hope it's John, he's cute!

(An oldie, but a goodie)

An oldie but a goodie

A guy walks into a butcher shop and says "I'd like two pounds of kidleys."
The butcher looks at him and says "Don't you mean you want two pounds of *kidneys*?"
The guy is all confused. "I *said* kidleys, diddle I?"

Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.

First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...

Classic wookie mistake.

(Oldie, but never gets olde)

Another So Oldie It's Moldy joke

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Oldie but goodie.

My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker.
He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and yelled I've been bit call the doctor. I called the dr and explained about the bite and that we were at least 45 mins from our truck and another hour from the hospital. He got quiet and said " All U can do for him now is to take ur knife out and cut an "x" in each hole and suck the venom out and get him here asap". I thought for a second and asked 'What if I don't do that what happens?". He replied back "He will die. So get ur knife out and get after it. I will be waiting for u here at the ER." and he hung up.
My buddy looked at me with his tally wacker in his hands about to squeeze it in half and asked " WHAT DID HE SAY???!!!!"
I looked him straight in the eye and told him "He said Ur ging to die".

[Oldie] What do you do when your being chased by a bunch of clowns?

....Go for the Juggler

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

An oldie my Dad constantly tells me

Two men walk into the the theatre to watch a charlie chaplin film. Guy 1 makes a bet: "I bet Chaplin gets bopped the moment he walks around the corner" and guy 2 accepts.

They watch the film and as predicted, Chaplin get hit on the head so guy 2 has to pay up.

The first guy returns the money saying: "It wasn't a fair bet, I had already watched it ahead of time" but guy 2 tells him to keep it: "I did too, but I didn't expect him to fall for the same trick twice".

Bazinga

Wild adventures

An old man keeps staring at a dude having streaks of blue, red, pink, yellow colored hair while waiting at a bus stop.
The intrigued dude asks "Hey oldie, haven't you done anything wild when you was young?"
To which the old man "Yea. I did a peacock back then, was wondering if you are my son"

Oldie but a goodie

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.

The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage and carnage, he sadly went about digging a large hole to bury the dead.

A few hours later, the sheriff came by, searching for the missing politicians. When he saw the crashed bus, he stopped and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer gravely shook his head and said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied grimly, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

An oldie but a goodie (from Coming to America)

A man is at a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waitress brings him the soup. A couple minutes later, he calls the waitress over.

"Ma'am, something is wrong, can you taste my soup?"

"What's wrong, is it too hot?"

"Just taste the soup."

"What? Is it too cold? Too salty?"

"Please just taste the soup"

"Fine! Alright, I'll taste it. Where's the spoon?"

"A ha!"

A husband asks his wife..

Husband : How many men have you slept with babe?

Wife : Only you, the others managed to keep me awake!

Golden oldie!

Oldie.....Mexico will never win an Olympic medal in swimming or track and field.....

... because every Mexican who can run, jump or swim lives in the United States.

An oldie but a goodie

Your mom..... In bed.....



Your mom is old and she's good at sex

Oh no my wife left me because I'm too insecure! How can I go on without her!

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

(I know its an oldie but its a goodie.)

How does Moses prepare his tea?

Hebrews it.

(Oldie, but goodie.)

Door to Door salesman - another oldie

A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes