oldie Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious oldie puns

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.

She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."

She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his throat and leans in.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," she nods.

He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

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An oldie... What's the difference between a circus and a sorority?

The circus has cunning stunts.

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Oldie but a Goodie

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's sitting next to says, "Hey buddy. I'm right there with you. This morning I'm eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, 'Honey, could you please pass the cream', I say, 'I hate you, you fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

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Here's an oldie but a goodie.

Your Mom.

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Oldie but a Goodie

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

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Oldie but goodie: A Jewish man and an Italian woman got married.

Both were virgins, and both were so innocent when it came to the subject of sex. On the wedding night, they just weren't sure how it all works. So the man decided to call his mother to get a few pointers. But she simply says, "Look, son, just get undressed, then undress her. You'll know what to do. Trust me."

The newlyweds get undressed, but they are still confused. So the man calls his mother again. Frustrated, she says, "Just stick the longest part of you into the hairiest part of her!"

A few minutes later, the mother's phone rings again.

"I've got my nose in her armpit. Now what?"

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Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discuss it and decide that maybe they should just lock the door and paint in the nude, to ensure that they keep their habits paint-free.

They were almost done painting when there was a knock on the door. One panics, thinking she needs to get dressed quickly, while the other one calls out "Who is it?"

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

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tiny pianist

An oldie, but goodie:

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want."

The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head.

The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!"

And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asked, What is it supposed to be when it's finished?

The blonde said, According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, Second, I'd want you to relax… Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…

He sighed, let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

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Oldie - the monkey and the iguana

One day iguana is walking through the forest and sees monkey up in a tree just puffing away on a big joint. Iguana yells up, "Hey monkey, can a brotha get a hit of that?" Monkey looks down and says, "Sure little dude come on up." So iguana and monkey sit in the tree and finish off the giant spliff.

After sitting for awhile, iguana tells monkey, "I got the cottonmouth bad, gonna go get some water." and toddles off. While drinking from the river, he's so stoned he falls in and starts flailing around. Crocodile comes over and helps him to shore and says, "What the hell was that about?" Iguana tells crocodile that monkey has got some serious weed and crocodile walks off to find monkey. He reaches the tree and yells up, "Hey, monkey!" Monkey looks down, his eyes get really wide, and says, "Shiiiiiit, dude, how much water did you drink?"

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An oldie but goodie

Three women, a redhead, brunette and blonde, find themselves stranded on a deserted island. While looking for supplies the redhead stumbled upon an old, well decorated bottle. After she brought it back to camp she and her friends began to clean it off when suddenly a genie sprang out of the bottle. In a deep, deliberate tone the genie said "You have awakened a genie! I have the power to grant any three wishes you desire. Because all three awakened me each of you get one wish!" The genie looked at the redhead who quickly shouted "I WISH TO GO HOME!" and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the brunette who couldn't say "I WISH TO GO HOME!" fast enough and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the blonde who had a tear in her eye and her head was hung low. "Why are you so sad" asked the genie, to which the blonde responded "I wish my friends were here."

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(Apples ) oldie but goodie!

Jim was driving through the country when he saw a sign reading, "Apples $5 each."
"That's a lot of money for one apple!" he thought, so he stopped to see what's up.
Jim asked the farmer, "Why are your apples so expensive?"
The farmer replied, "Because they are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
Jim took a bite and said, "Yep, that tastes like peanut butter, all right. But I can't taste any jelly."
The farmer said, "Turn it around."
Jim did, gave it a chomp and, sure enough, jelly! "These are great; give me a dozen!"
The farmer said, "If you like those, how about a ham and cheese apple? Here, try this," handing Jim an apple from behind the counter.
Jim bit into it, and said, "Son of a gun. Ham!" He turned it around and took another bite. "Yep. Cheese. You better give me a dozen of these, too."
As the farmer gave him the bag of apples, he said, "You know, I've got some really special apples under the counter, but they're fifty bucks a piece."
"Fifty bucks?!" exclaimed Jim. "What are they?"
"These are pussy apples," said the farmer. "Here. Try one."
Jim took a bite and spat it out, saying, "Ugh! This apple tastes like shit!"
The farmer said, "Turn it around!"

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An oldie but a goodie: What do Pink Floyd & Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?

Their last biggest hit was The Wall

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An oldie but a goodie...

An old man is sitting on a dock, crying his eyes out. A younger man walks to him and asks "what's the matter?"
The old man says "I built this dock with my own two hands, but do they call me John the Carpenter...no. I shot the biggest buck ever seen in these parts with my bow, but do they call me John the Archer or John the Hunter...no. But you fuck one sheep..."

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An oldie, but goodie.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

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An Oldie but a Goodie

One day a young Sioux brave asks his father, the tribal chief, how their names are chosen.

"Well, Son, after the child is born the father goes outside, and the first thing in nature he sees becomes the name, such as Running Deer or Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

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Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."

An oldie, but I always liked it.

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Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn't pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general store and asked the scruffy, gap toothed man behind the counter if he could make change for an $18 bill.

The old man took it and looked it over carefully.

Sure. I can make change. Do you want two $9s or three $6s?

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Oldie but goodie

A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I thought Genies gave 3 wishes". "Not since the GFC, so what is your wish" said the Genie.
The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in Peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF that's impossible, try another wish" the Genie grunted. Well said the young woman " I want a perfect man, one who is kind, compassionate, gentle who likes children and housework, loves to cook and will help clean the house even if the Super Bowl is on".
The Genie stares at the young woman and finally says "Show me that fcuking map again"

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An oldie, but a goodie!

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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An amnesiac walks into a bar. He saddles up to the hottest woman there and says...

..."so, do I come here often?"

Oldie but a goodie.

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An oldie but a goody. NSFW

A pretty young lady walking down the street notices a limousine on the side of the road. The chauffeur is trying to wrangle a flat tyre off the vehicle.

Fascinated she stops to watch. The chauffeur is having a hard time and no apparent luck in getting this tyre off.

She looks into his toolbox and makes a helpful suggestion to him. "would you like a screwdriver?".

He turns around looks her up and down and replies.

"Might as well I am not going to get this fucking tyre off"

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[meta] Flair for jokes (a suggestion to the mods)

I had an idea occur to me, how about offer flair for jokes so that it can be tagged as an oldie but a goody or heard it from a friend or thought of this one myself, because some people seem like theyve heard a lot of stuff and complain every time they heard it again. It would help you not get let down if youve heard it before and help people find new jokes while still not discouraging the old jokes from coming back and being enjoyed by those of us that arnt so picky.

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An oldie but goodie. What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee.

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Just heard this oldie, but goodie from a friend

Two does are walking out of a bar after a long night of drinking, and one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

... The barman obliges and the man knocks it back and orders another.

And another

And another

14 whiskeys later, the barman asks "Celebrating? "

The man replies "First blowjob"

The barman responds "Well congratulations! Let me get you another. On the house"

"No thanks" replies the man.

"If 14 whiskeys won't take the taste away, nothing will."


Oldie but a goodie.

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An oldie but a goodie.

For the last 20 years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this?

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(Oldie but goodie) What do you get when you mix an elephant, a helicopter and a rhino?

Hell if I know.

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an oldie but a goodie

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over and retrieves the duck.

The next day the farmer takes his friend duck hunting. The farmer shoots one duck and his dog retrieves it in his unique way. His friend says nothing.

So the farmer shoots another duck and the dog retrieves it. Still his friend hasn't said a thing. So the farmer asks "Have you noticed anything unusual about my dog?"

"Yes" answered his friend, "he can't swim can he?"

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Death by Beyblades

Let it R.I.P

Oldie but a goodie

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Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

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Why did the fruit turn into a vegetable?

It got AIDS

Oldie and offensive to some I know. But it made me chuckle.

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I heard 1 in 4 men are gay...

I really hope it's John, he's cute!

(An oldie, but a goodie)

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An oldie but a goodie

A guy walks into a butcher shop and says "I'd like two pounds of kidleys."
The butcher looks at him and says "Don't you mean you want two pounds of *kidneys*?"
The guy is all confused. "I *said* kidleys, diddle I?"

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Oldie but goodie.

My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker.
He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and yelled I've been bit call the doctor. I called the dr and explained about the bite and that we were at least 45 mins from our truck and another hour from the hospital. He got quiet and said " All U can do for him now is to take ur knife out and cut an "x" in each hole and suck the venom out and get him here asap". I thought for a second and asked 'What if I don't do that what happens?". He replied back "He will die. So get ur knife out and get after it. I will be waiting for u here at the ER." and he hung up.
My buddy looked at me with his tally wacker in his hands about to squeeze it in half and asked " WHAT DID HE SAY???!!!!"
I looked him straight in the eye and told him "He said Ur ging to die".

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What are the most funny Oldie jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Oldie? Well, here are the best Oldie dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Oldie pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes