Oldest Jokes

110 oldest jokes and hilarious oldest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about oldest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the oldest known jokes, and share them with your siblings and family. From hilarious Yo Mamas to practical jokes, we have the best pick of the oldest known jokes around. Learn what the oldest jokes are, and compare them to the newest and noisiest ones. Get ready to enjoy the oldest and nicest jokes around!

Funniest Oldest Short Jokes

Short oldest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The oldest humour may include short eldest jokes also.

  1. The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
  2. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key!
    This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.
  3. The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve. It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.
  4. Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve? It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!
  5. My buddy once took a date to see the world's oldest lit candle but it didn't go well. Turns out you really shouldn't take your date to see an old flame.
  6. I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed. Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
  7. So the world's oldest woman died today.... I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
  8. My father used to do this to me... - Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."
    - Me: "But... I'm the oldest."
    - Dad: "Now."
  9. Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84. 86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.
  10. What are the two oldest animals on Earth? The zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

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Oldest One Liners

Which oldest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with oldest? I can suggest the ones about youngest and longest.

  1. What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision? I need to know the cutoff date.
  2. What's the oldest red wine in America? "Give us back our land!"
  3. What's the oldest trick in the book? The first one.
  4. How do you keep a group of women from talking? Ask the oldest one to speak first.
  5. I can't believe I fell for your mom She's the oldest trick in the book.
  6. Being the oldest nominee for president... You could say that Joe's been Biden his time.
  7. As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest. Mom and Dad.
  8. One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline... We go way back.
  9. What's the name of the oldest dinosaur? The Mybachisaurus
  10. Who is the oldest Sith Lord? Darth Ritis
  11. Mom: "what is the oldest thing that you have and still use?" Dad: "you"
  12. What's the oldest joke in the book? The one on the first page.
  13. Again the oldest person has died ...the curse continues.
  14. Whats the oldest fruit in the world? A Pomegranny!
  15. What did the paleontologist find on the world's oldest fries? Tomatosaurus

Oldest Brother Jokes

Here is a list of funny oldest brother jokes and even better oldest brother puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night... "This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."
    "Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?"
    I said, "My dad."
Oldest joke, I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night...

Oldest Profession Jokes

Here is a list of funny oldest profession jokes and even better oldest profession puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You know what the third oldest profession is? Divorce attorney
  • First Manager If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, the world's first manager was a p**......

Oldest Recorded Jokes

Here is a list of funny oldest recorded jokes and even better oldest recorded puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What world record is a death sentence if you fail? Oldest person
Oldest joke, What world record is a death sentence if you fail?

Comedy Oldest Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about oldest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean largest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make oldest pranks.

hahah brick!

There is a father and he has three daughters
The oldest daughter comes up to him and asks, "Dad, why is my name Lily?"
The father responds, "because when you were born, a Lily fell on your head."
Then the second oldest daughter comes up and asks, "dad, why is my name Daisy?"
The father responds, "because when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."
Then the youngest daughter comes up and says, "Muuughmmmummphhhhhh"

"Shut up, Brick!"

A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago!

Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"
Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."
Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"
"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers
Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "Ihlaadskleblaødertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"
The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a s**.... The other two couldn't reach.

The Hot-Headed Doctor (a 4th century joke taken from the oldest recorded joke book, The Philogelos).

Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, "Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down!" The doctor responds: "I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself."

What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a s**..., scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there s**..., you want some super s**... tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

Oldest YOUR MOM Joke

CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.
an e**... soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!
From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew.

Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest t**... ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"
The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."
The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"
The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

What's the oldest trick in the book?

Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents.

Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

They were on the Earth before it was cool.

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

I heard that there were a couple of jokes in the Bible, so I went to look for one myself...

I found one in Genesis, but it wasn't that funny; it was the oldest joke in the book.

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke a hole which it has poked before?

A key.
Fun fact: This joke was invented by the Anglo Saxon s in the 10th century. Oldest British joke ever.

What does a midget pope and my oldest underwear have in common?

They're both a little holy.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Once a tap and a sink went to a bar.

The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter.
He said to the bouncer today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again. Let that sink in.

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the b**... face of the Anglo-Saxons

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
Answer: A key.

The Oldest Computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple computer, but had an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte was used, and then everything crashed.
Adam and Eve were left holding their bits and pieces.
That salesman was a real snake!

A man kills a deer...

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner but tells the wife not to tell the children what type of meat they will be eating. Later as they're enjoying their meal the father asks his children if they know what type of meat they'd been enjoying. With puzzled looks on their faces he adds, 'It's what mommy calls daddy'.
The oldest grabs the forks of his younger siblings and exclaims, 'Don't eat that, its an a**...!!'

I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...

He'd probably be the oldest person alive.

A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...

"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"

TIL That the world's oldest continuously running business is-

your Mom.

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with almost no RAM.
After one byte, everything crashed.

A bricklayer, a gardener and an electrician

A bricklayer, a gardener and an electrician argue about whose job is the oldest
The bricklayer goes first: "You see, we were there already when the pyramids were being built!"
The gardener answers: "True, but we already planted the flowers and trees in the garden of Eden."
To that, the electrician says: "You are right! But when god said 'Let there by light', we already layed the cables!"

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

What is the oldest age a person can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Poor daddy

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son truly my child?
The wife replied, I swear on everything holy that he is your son. With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other three.

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician we're arguing over the oldest profession

The doctor said "in the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, so the first profession was a surgeon." The engineer said, "God made the earth from chaos in 7 days, so engineering is the first profession." The politician said, "who do you think you made the chaos?"

Why did it take so long for Trump to catch Covid-19?

He was holding out for a Covid-15 or 16 at the oldest.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):
Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?
A: A woman not f**... in her husband's lap.

Many were present at the f**... today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.

Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise!
It was an Apple,
but with limited memory.
Just one byte,
and everything crashed.

Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known t**....

They just dont know what period it's from.

World's oldest joke found in a 10th century book of anglo-saxon poetry :

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that's it's often poked before?
A key....

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair; the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine? The wife said, I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.

Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, thank god he didn't ask about the other three.

An abderite sees an e**... alogside a woman

He asks him: "is this your wife?". The e**... answers: "eunuchs can't have wives".
"So is it your daughter?".
I browsed through Philogelos ("Love of Laughter") which is the oldest joke collection that has survived. It is written in ancient Greek. Also, it was pretty funny when I dicovered that an Abderite was used inside Greek's jokes as an archtype for an idiot (Abderia was a city in Thrace).

What's the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Courtesy of my oldest daughter.

What kind of vegetable grows at the zoo?.....
A zoocchini.
I must be doing something right with raising her.

Oldest cake joke

A rabbit visits a bakery and asks if they make carrot cake.
The baker says they don't, so the rabbit buys a key lime pie.
This repeats several days until the baker is sick of it and decides to try making one.
The next time the rabbit enters, the baker proudly tells that they do have a carrot cake now.
The rabbit says: sorry, I'll have to take my business somewhere else: I'm highly alergic and can't risk cross-contamination.

Irish historians have discovered the headstone of the oldest man to have lived.

He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin.

I informed a doctor I was born in 87'

I was surprised when she told me I was her oldest patient by far. I asked how that was possible and she replied, "You tell me. I figured anyone born in A.D. 7 would be dead by now."

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

Jimmy Carr says this is the oldest joke he found for a book on humor

A man sits down in the barbers chair, the barber says "how would you like your hair cut?" the man says "in silence"

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it's super sad sequel, Malcom's Now The Oldest

The Bikers

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.

The World's Oldest Golf Joke

Joe and his buddy go golfing every Saturday.
One day, while they are on the third hole, a f**... caravan passes by on the adjacent street. Joe stops playing, takes off his hat and stands quietly as the procession passes.
His buddy says, "Wow, man, I didn't know you cared about funerals that much."
To which Joe replied, "Well, I was married to her for almost forty years."

Oldest joke, The World's Oldest Golf Joke

jokes about oldest