oldest Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious oldest puns

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

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Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

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What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

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The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

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I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

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Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

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So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

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Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

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My father used to do this to me...

- Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."

- Me: "But... I'm the oldest."

- Dad: "Now."

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The world's oldest 'Yo Mama' joke?

A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, *if you kick me into Hell, I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon Earth.*

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Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.


"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

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Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from

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Double Vodkas For Gay Sons

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodkas.
The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, Yeah, my wife!

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An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."

The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

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A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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A man walks into a bar and says, Give me six double vodkas. Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.

Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

The bartender says, Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women!?

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, Yeah, my wife!

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WALKS INTO A BAR DOUBLE VODKAS

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Getting lost in the woods

A crew from a television channel wanted to interview the world's oldest living person for their next show. After weeks of searching they learn about a man in a remote Russian village who is 120 years old. So then they go to the village and start interviewing the old man. They ask him "Can you tell us a funny story that has happened to you?" and the old man says "There was a woman who went missing in the woods a long time ago. So we assembled a party and went to search for the woman bringing along couple of boxes of vodka. We finally find the woman after couple of days. We drink the vodka, all of us fucked the woman and we came back to the village." A little disturbed, the interviewer asks the old man "Can you tell us a different story that has happened to you?" and the man says "Of course, there was a cow that went missing a long time ago. We assembled a party and went to search for the cow with couple of boxes of vodka. We find the cow, drink the vodka, fuck the cow and we came back to the village." Totally disgusted, the interviewer then asks "What was the worst story that has happened to you?", thinking that the old man might say something actually funny and appropriate. Then the old man says "I once got lost in the woods a couple of years ago..."

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A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

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Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo...

...a zookeeper finds two finches which have dropped dead from old age. He puts them in a sack for cleanup and proceeds to the monkey cage.

In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket. Not wanting them to go to waste, he puts them in the sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time.

"Bloody hell," roars the lion upon seeing his meal, "Not finch and chimps again."

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Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

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What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

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Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

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A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the son


And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".

With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"

Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

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There were three leprechauns standing outside a church...

There were three leprechauns standing outside a church in Dublin- A father and two brothers.

The oldest brother turned to his father and asked Father, are there any nuns in that church that are leprechauns ?

No son said the father Don't be ridiculous, there's no nuns in that church that are leprechauns .

Tell me this then father , said the oldest brother What about the other Church's in Dublin

Stop talking nonsense my son, there are no nuns that are leprechauns in Dublin .

Ok father, I'll just ask one more question , said the son is there such thing as a leprechaun that is a nun anywhere in the entire world .
The father reflected for about ten seconds before answering You know what my son? In any place, at any time, there has never been a nun that was a leprechaun. Ever

The oldest brother, satisfied with this answer, turned to the younger brother and said Ha, I told ya you were fucking a penguin

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A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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The Italian Family Dinner

A joke from my rugby coach -- better told in person with the clapping, but try to imagine :)



Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Mario, you take-a too big-a bite!"

Papa turns to Antonio, and asks, "Antonio, why are you-a so fat?"

Antonio responds, "Papa, my wife's lasagna is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa claps again and says "Antonio, you take-a too big-a bite!"

Papa turns to Fernando and asks, "Fernando, why are you-a so skinny?"

Fernando says, "Papa, I ONLY eat the pussy!"

Papa responds, "Pussy? But son, pussy tastes-a like shit!"

Fernando claps his hands just like his dad and says, "Papa, you take-a too big-a bite!"

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My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:

"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"

"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."

Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:

"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"

"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom

"Wysfodletlkqsquipeso!?"

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A husbands last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with brown hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

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A man has three daughters...

And one day his oldest daughter came up to him and asked, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." The daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the middle daughter came up to him and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." Again, his daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the last daughter came up to him, and said, "Uhhhouahhhaauma."
The man said, "Shut up, Cinder Block."

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One saturday morning,three boys came down to the kitchen and sits around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

I'II have some fuckin' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at hid crude language. She hits him and sends him to his room.

When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' french toast for me, he says. The mom is livid. She smacks hum and sends him away.

Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him ehat he wants for breakfast.
I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the fuckin' french toast!

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It's the oldest joke in the book, but I love it.

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man about a foot tall playing a little piano. He asks the bartender why the little man is there, and he responds "I'll explain in a minute. First, make a wish on this magic beer bottle."

The guy says "Ok, sure"

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and a genie appears.
"You have one wish", he says.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room, and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey! What gives? I didn't want a million ducks!"

The bartender laughs, 'You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

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What are the best Oldest jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Oldest? Well, here are the best Oldest dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Oldest pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes