Oldest Jokes

What are some Oldest jokes?

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!

This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

My father used to do this to me...

- Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."

- Me: "But... I'm the oldest."

- Dad: "Now."

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."

The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

A jew in his death bed and a Rolex

A jew in his death bed is surrounded by his family, ready to say farewell to their patriarch.

In his last moments, the jew takes something out of his pocket, calls his oldest son and says: "Yitzhak, here I have a 1935 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Chronometer."

"I see it daddy", answers the son

And then the old men continues, "This watch as with me during my whole life. It first belonged to my father's father, then to my father, and finally to me".

With tears in his eyes, the elder son replies, "It's a beautiful watch with a beautiful story, Daddy"

Finally, the jew with a proud look and feeling accomplished asks, "Wanna buy?"

A physician, an engineer, and a politician were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the politician spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:

"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"

"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we names you after that."

Rain Drop excited tells his brother and sister. Her sister, Snow Flake, asks her father:

"Father, why did you name me Snow Flake?"

"It was December 21, and you were just born that morning. Your mother and I took you outside from the warm hospital to the cold winter weather. As we let you see the sky a tender snow flake falls and vanishes in your pink lips. And that's why we named you Snow Flake"

Then bowling ball asks the mom


A husbands last request

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with brown hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man has three daughters...

And one day his oldest daughter came up to him and asked, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." The daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the middle daughter came up to him and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." Again, his daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the last daughter came up to him, and said, "Uhhhouahhhaauma."
The man said, "Shut up, Cinder Block."

One saturday morning,three boys came down to the kitchen and sits around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

I'II have some fuckin' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at hid crude language. She hits him and sends him to his room.

When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' french toast for me, he says. The mom is livid. She smacks hum and sends him away.

Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him ehat he wants for breakfast.
I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the fuckin' french toast!

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

It's the oldest joke in the book, but I love it.

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man about a foot tall playing a little piano. He asks the bartender why the little man is there, and he responds "I'll explain in a minute. First, make a wish on this magic beer bottle."

The guy says "Ok, sure"

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and a genie appears.
"You have one wish", he says.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room, and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey! What gives? I didn't want a million ducks!"

The bartender laughs, 'You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

A king is picking the music to be played at his party

A king is throwing an extravagant party, and wants the perfect music to go along, but he can't decide who to have perform. So, he asks his most highly esteemed servant for advice.

"I am looking for a new unique style of music to be played at the party," says the king.

"Well, how about Johann Bach?" suggests the servant.

"He's great and everything," says the king, "But I want something new and unique"

The servant says, "Well what about oldest son, William Bach? He has mastered the art of classical music"

At this point the King is getting irritated. "No, no, no. I want something fresh and new and refreshing to hear. We've all heard of classical music"

"I know just the person you're looking for!" says the servant. "His youngest son David Bach has a style unlike that of his brothers and father. How does that sound?"

The king, furious at his servants similar suggestions, screams, "What's wrong with you? Can't you think outside the Bachs?!"

An Italian fella

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match......."

A group of monks.

A group of monks are working in the Scriptorium when they realize there might be an error in the text they're copying. After a long debate over what they should do, the Abbot decides to go find the oldest copy they have. He takes quite a while to come back so the other monks decide to go check up on him. They find him in the back corner of the archives, clutching a tattered book and weeping. One of the monks runs to him and asks what was the matter. The Abbot replies "It says celebrate! CELEBRATE!"

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

Kids Today

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

Answer: A key.

A man with three daughters

Was sitting on his couch one day when his oldest daughter comes up to him and asks, dad why did you rose? He replies, well when you were born me and your mother took you to the park and a rose petal fell on you forehead, so we decided to name you rose. She accepts this and goes on her way. A little while latter another daughter comes to him and asks " dad why did you name me daisy"? The man replies " well when you were born we took you to the park and a daisy petal fell on your forehead so we named you daisy" she accepts his answer and leaves. Time goes by and his last daughter come to him and asks " Daud wha oo mam meeee cebernok"? Confused the man asked "what did you say cinder block"

A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for six shots of vodka. As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.

"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six more shots, and downs them as fast as he can.

"What happened today?" Asked the bartender.
"I just found out my youngest son is gay, too." The man replies.

The third day, the man comes in, asks for the whole bottle of vodka, and starts chugging it. The bartender is mortified.

"Does *anyone* in your family like women?" He asks.
"Yeah," the man replies, "my wife."


Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

What's the oldest trick in the book?

The first one.

A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...

"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"

And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.

"Father why is my name Raina?"

"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."

Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"



***From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew."***

Thou hast undone our mother.
Villain, I have done thy mother.

***an explosion soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!***

The M6 walks into a bar

The M6 walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'm the oldest and toughest motorway in Britain and if you don't give me a free drink, I'll smash your face in." The bartender, not looking for any trouble, gives him a free drink and the M6 goes to sit in the corner.
Seeing this, the M2 strides up to the bar and says "I'm the widest and hardest motorway in Britain. Give me a free drink or I'll smash your face in." The M2, with his free drink was still not satisfied and went up to the M6, starting a heated argument over who was tougher.
After a few minutes, a stretch of red tarmac walks into the bar. The M2 says "You want me to prove I'm tough, watch the state I'm gonna leave this bloke in."
The M6 says "I wouldn't do that if I was you. I've seen his type before. He's a cycle path."

How do you keep a group of women from talking?

Ask the oldest one to speak first.

Once upon a time there were three sisters.

Once upon a time there were three sisters aged 96, 94, 92 and they all lived together. One night the oldest sister ran a bath and put one foot in and stopped. "Was I getting in or getting out" she yelled. The 94 year old said "I'll come upstairs and see". She walked up the stairs and stopped halfway. "Was I going upstairs or coming down"?
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea. She shook her head and said "I sure hope I don't get as forgetful as them" and knocked on the table for good luck.
Then she said "I'll come up and help you as soon as I see who's at the door".

The Hot-Headed Doctor (a 4th century joke taken from the oldest recorded joke book, The Philogelos).

Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, "Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down!" The doctor responds: "I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself."

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

I can't believe I fell for your mom

She's the oldest trick in the book.

Mike Anderson was in the hospital...

He knows that his end is imminent, so he gathers his family:

His wife, his daughter and both of his sons.
He also asks for a nurse, two witnesses and his last will to be recorded.


Then he starts speaking:
"Brian, my oldest son, I want you to get castle avenue.

Saskia, my daughter, you get the apartments in the East End.

Jamie, my youngest son, you shall take over the office blocks downtown.

And Sarah, my beloved wife, I'll leave you the apartments in Hackney."


After Mike had died the nurse said:

"Mrs Anderson, your husband surely had to work hard to gather that much property!"

"Property?", Mrs Anderson replied, "My husband delivered newspapers!"

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

What does a midget pope and my oldest underwear have in common?

They're both a little holy.

A mother had three sons...

The first day the oldest boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Feather?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny feather landed on your head."
The next day the second boy ran up to her and asked: "Mom, why am I named Leaf?" The mother replied: "Well, son, thats because when you were a baby a tiny leaf landed on your head."
The third day the youngest boy ran up to his mother and said: "Moaaah, whaaa yu chueehhe bluahrehbah!".
The mother sighed and replied: "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

The daughter of the house walks over to her mom and asks:

"Mom. Why is my name Leaf?"

Her mother answers:
"Well, that is because when you were a new born, a leaf landed on your head."

Later the oldest son asks:
"Mom. Why is my name Feather?"

"That is because when you were a new born, a feather landed on your head." The mother answers

Lastly the youngest son walks up to his mother and says: "IhlaadskleblaΓΈdertmakusigalabongilahaudershirp!!"

The mother says: "Please be quiet, refrigerator"

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

A man kills a deer...

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner but tells the wife not to tell the children what type of meat they will be eating. Later as they're enjoying their meal the father asks his children if they know what type of meat they'd been enjoying. With puzzled looks on their faces he adds, 'It's what mommy calls daddy'.
The oldest grabs the forks of his younger siblings and exclaims, 'Don't eat that, its an asshole!!'

A pregnant woman goes to the bank.

A Pregnant Woman goes to the Bank and she gets shot 3 times in the stomach by a Robber.
Miraculously though her 3 triplets somehow managed to absorb the bullets in the womb.
The doctors cannot explain it and after a lot of research they still couldn't explain how it happened.
16 years later her oldest triplet came running down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a poo and a bullet came out!" her daughter yelled.
"The doctor said this might happen" the mother said as she reassured her.
The next day her second daughter came down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a poo and a bullet came out!"
And again the mother reassured her.
The third day her son came running the down the stairs yelling "Mum! Mum!"
"Let me guess you had a poo and a bullet came out" the mother said.
"No! I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

Once a tap and a sink went to a bar.

The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter.
He said to the bouncer today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again. Let that sink in.

I heard that there were a couple of jokes in the Bible, so I went to look for one myself...

I found one in Genesis, but it wasn't that funny; it was the oldest joke in the book.

Who is the oldest Sith Lord?

Darth Ritis

One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline...

We go way back.

A man and his 3 daughters

This was one of my favorites from middle school:
So a man has 3 daughters and he is sitting alone in his room one night.
His oldest daughter comes in and asks, "Dad, why did you name me Rose?" He responds, "Well when you were born a rose petal fell on your forehead."
She leaves and the second daughter walks in and asks "Dad, why did you name me Lily?" The Dad replies, "Well when you were born a lily petal fell on your forehead."
Finally, his youngest daughter enters. She is deformed and goes "AAARGGGHLLAHAH" to which the Dad says "Shut up Cinderblock."

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