Older Than Jokes
68 older than jokes and hilarious older than puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about older than that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Older Than Short Jokes
Short older than jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The older than humour may include short you are older than jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys. But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees
- As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth. I said it must be because he has the better dentist.
- As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
- A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
- As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice
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Older Than One Liners
Which older than one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with older than? I can suggest the ones about older and year older.
- My parents named me after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
- I was named after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
- hot older men in your area Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?
- Few people knew about Albert Einstein's older brother Frank He was a total monster.
- Why is a field of grass always older than you? Because it's pasture age
- I was named after my older brother. I was also named before my younger brother.
- I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends...
- Why are archeologists great husbands? The older the wife the more they are into them
- Why were older computers heavier? Because they used a FAT file system!
- I like my women like I like my whiskey Irish, 18 years and older
- I already know what I want to be when I get older.. Younger
- Can older adults be circumcised? Or is there a cut off date ?
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.
- My reddit account is now one year old! That's older than most anti-vax kids!
You Are Older Than Jokes
Here is a list of funny you are older than jokes and even better you are older than puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day. Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
- I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- I just found out my older wife was cheating on me Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah
- I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
- As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam. It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
- So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out. It's okay, though. They'll grow back.
- As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
- As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
- When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.
- What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt? Her belly button.
Quirky and Hilarious Older Than Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about older than you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old but gold jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make older than pranks.
A daughter and mother are talking.
"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"
"But I love him!", she interrupts.
"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"
"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"
"I think you misunderstood me."
Noah and the snakes
According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.
The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.
Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.
A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...
When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"
An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.
The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"
I was arrested for having s**... with a 15 year old girl...
...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.
Today is my first cake day which means
My Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.
Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John. Where is John's father?
Let M be the age in years of Amanda now.
Let C be the age in years of John now.
Then:
M = C + 21
M + 6 = 5(C + 6)
⟹ C + 21 + 6 = 5(C + 6)
⟹ C + 27 = 5C + 30
⟹ -3 = 4C
⟹ C = -3/4
John is -3/4 years old, which is -9 months old.
So, right now, John's father is inside Amanda.
I am 57 seconds older than my twin.
So when I come out of the bathroom, I tell him: "When I was your age ..." and proceed to describe the majestic business I have just finished.
So
Just before the f**... services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, How old was your husband? Ninety-eight, she replied. Two years older than I am.
So you're ninety-six, the undertaker said.
She responded, Hardly worth going home, is it?
Having a Daughter
Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"
Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother."
The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."
Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."
The reality of dating....
Young kids use a dating app on their phone.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.
The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"
Coronavirus is much older than we knew
My great great grandparents came West in a Covid wagon
Minecraft is 10 years old
Older than half the people that play the game
My girlfriend is currently 2 years older than me. But in a few years I'll be the same age as her...
Because I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty, too.
You guys ever hear the joke about the cross-eyed seamstress?..
She couldn't mend straight.
Disclaimer: My 80+ year old grandfather told me this joke over the weekend so it is older than sin, figured you guys may enjoy it. Sorry if re-post.
A boy is talking to his 100 year-old grandfather...
The grandfather says, "You know, when I was not so much older than you are now, I lived in Sydney, Australia. In fact, I earned a bit of spare change helping on the construction of the ol' Harbour Bridge."
The boy says, "Wow! That sounds fascinating! Was it exciting?"
The grandfather, shaking his head, says, "It was just riveting work."
What car brand is older than you?
Nissan
(Nii-san)
I always try to drink whiskey that's older than the women I sleep with
It sound impressive and all, until I'm seen drinking red label
My new truck is older than my girlfriend...
Its ok though a 12 year old truck still has a lot if life left.
I can't believe it.
Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did kids become so d**... polite?
The funny thing about anti-vax jokes is that...
they tend to be older than anti-vax kids!
I wanted to be an anti-Vaxxer for Halloween
But I couldn't because I am older than 3
Dentist: "I might be older than you but i still got better teeth."
Me: "Maybe you've got the better Dentist"
Everyone my age is older than me...
You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
A girl asked me to have s**... with her
I was at the shopping mall yesterday and met this 21-year-old girl who was a laundry detergent promoter. She told me she would have s**... with me if I advertised her product to all my friends and contacts.
I was sadly amazed and obviously did not accept her offer because I am much older than her and I have strong moral principles and a clean soul.
A very clean soul... almost as clean as your laundry after being washed with the new AXON liquid detergent, super strong, coming with vanilla and lemon flavors for only $4.99.
The drunk in the bus
A woman enters the bus with her two children, the only places available are next to a man who seems very drunk, she sits with the children and the drunk man says: Your children are very beautiful.
She looks at him with disdain and says: Thank you.
You're welcome, says the drunk. After a few minutes the drunk asks: Are your children twins?
The woman responds rudely: No, you can see clearly that one is much older than the other.
The drunk looks at her very thoughtful and says: Sorry I just find it hard to believe that someone had s**... with you twice.
My friend likes his women like his cars
No older than 12
What is colder than the dwarf planet Pluto?
Legal judgements against fathers
We are all Asian
We are all older than we were yesterday.
What's colder than ice cream?
ISIS
First Date
Years back, before electronic car door locks, there were two brothers, Andy and Oby. Andy was 4 years older than 16 year old Oby. Oby had never been on a date and wanted to take out a girl he had met. So...he asked Andy for advice. "I want to take this girl out for a walk and I just don't know what to do or say" Andy told him "It's easy. Just compliment her and everything will fall into place". "What do you mean" asked Oby. Andy told him to compliment her on her hair "your hair is like silk", her teeth "your teeth are like pearls", her eyes "your eyes are like sapphires", etc.
So Oby take her for a walk, and comes home with a black eye. Andy asked him what happened. Oby says: "Well, I tried to compliment her on her hair, but she didn't have much, and not many teeth either. Her eyes were one blue and one brown like some dogs, and I didn't know what to say about that, so...I said for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much!"
You know how I know woman are colder than nen?
Because there is no Uncle-Arctic.
There once was an old cathedral in rural England...
There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."
A lady walks into WalMart...
...with her two children, the older boy is pushing the younger boy in the stroller. The greeter says "Welcome to Walmart, how you doin'?" The lady just rolls her eyes at him, yells at her kids to hurry up, and keeps on walking.
Just as she's passing him by, the greeter asks, "Are those twin boys?" The lady stops and turns with a big huff and says, "Of course they're not twins. This one is obviously years older than the other one. Why would you think they were twins? Are you s**... or something!?"
The greeter leans in real close and says, "I just find it hard to believe someone stuck around long enough to knock you up twice."
What's colder than cold?
Absolute zero.
Old men and young women
Two elderly gentlemen were talking together.
"I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why, just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," his friend said, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"But great googly-moogly, man! I'm so much older than she!"
"Oh. Well, maybe she's attracted to the fatherly type."
"No, I don't think so. She also mentioned something about 'Carbon 14.'"
