Older People Jokes
35 older people jokes and hilarious older people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about older people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Older People Short Jokes
Short older people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The older people humour may include short older persons jokes also.
- As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
- My older brother told me gay meant happy I still don't understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, my brother makes me gay.
- The Mitsubishi ASX is like any 60s/70s/80s celebrity. It's old, attracts older people, has received many plastic surgeries, and just won't die already.
- You know those Chairlifts on stairs for older people? Apparently they're made with nana-technology. (Thank my father for that one)
- Older people have told that my generation is all lazy and irresponsible... ...but at least we don't broad generalizations.
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Older People One Liners
Which older people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with older people? I can suggest the ones about old people and old folks.
- Minecraft is 10 years old Older than half the people that play the game
- Few people knew about Albert Einstein's older brother Frank He was a total monster.
Older People Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about older people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elderly people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make older people pranks.
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.”
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland.
On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."
In the town I have met one older woman, she told me: "
if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her: "ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun: "guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only: "for my money?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a c**...?
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a c**..., cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a c**...," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks." Um...
Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those c**... things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...
Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."
While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to s**... or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.
Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was an old cathedral in rural England...
There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."
A father-son hike
A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.
The father points to the native american and says, son, native americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world
The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native american and says, What did you have for breakfast last tuesday.
Without hesitation the Native American responds, eggs. The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native american on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native american. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says HOW
Native American responds, Scrambled.
An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names
Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."
A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandma what people use to think of democrats and republicans over 70 years ago
*Watching the news with my grandma*
Me: Grammy, when you were really young, did they talk about democrats and republicans, like they do today?
Grandma: What do you mean?
Me: Were they always hostile towards one another, like this lady on the news.
Grandma: Oh yeah, that's one thing that has never changed over the years.
Me: Well, what do you remember people saying about democrats and republicans when you were young.
Me: What is the first thing you remember about it?
Grandma: Well, I always heard the older people say the same thing
Grandma: "Republicans are for the rich, and democrats are for the poor."
Me: What did they say about everyone in the middle?
Grandma: I don't know, they always just talked about getting s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not a traditional joke but something hilarious my brother said as a child.
My oldest brother(Mike) was playing with my older brother.(Ty) My parents come in and break the news that my mother is pregnant with another child. My oldest bro freaks out and says "We can't get rid of this one though! I like him!" I guess he assumed you could only have one child at a time.
You see, at the time, we lived in a super r**... country area with almost no ethnicity except white so the only African-American people Mike had seen were on Sesame Street, and he assumed that having a baby was just going to a store and picking a new one out. He then became overjoyed and changed his approach. Why? He blurts out "Could we get a black baby? I've always wanted one!" My parents are the whitest parents you know.
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting
I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some older generations are opposed to Chinese people immigrating to our country.
It's racist but some people will never chang.
I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.
One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.
Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.
I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Older people are easier to make laugh. Young people are like Google passwords. . .
It needs to be have a special character, a capital letter , a number and you can't use the same as last time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.
Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, PPSH consisted of three letters, pronounced Pa Pa Sha . In russian, papasha means daddy , and so the popular nickname for this gun was daddy . My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luckily survived.
But I guess she can't let go of the fact that Daddy shot a load in her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People grow different feelings as they get older.
For example, at age 3 peeing on people is funny. At age 42 peeing on people is arousing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three babies were in the w**... talking amongst themselves about their future
They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.
The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."
The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor."
The third baby thinks for a second and says: "I want to be a boxer".
The other two babies look at him in confusion and ask why.
"Because when I get out, I want to beat up the bald headed man who keeps spitting on me!"
OG Rolling Stones Joke
I was on another forum, the comments section of a political site. Somebody was talking about how the Rolling Stones still got it despite having gotten a lot older. So people were making up humorous OG-version Stones song titles, like "Limping Jack Flash" and "Gimme Fiber."
And then somebody said it:
>!"Hey! You! Get Offa My Lawn!"!<
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
True story, my younger son called my older son "s**..."...
wife: "We don't call people the 's-word' in this house!"
me: "Yes. Don't call people s**...'. That's r€tarded."
wife: \*stink eye\*
son: \*helpless giggles despite determination not to laugh at anything Dad says\*
Noah and the snakes
According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.
The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.
Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.
My father made this joke and now that I'm older I appreciate it more:
Driving by cemeteries he'd ask how many dead people do you think are in there?
I'd guess: maybe a hundred or whatever
He'd say: *All* of them
