older Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious older puns

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

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My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me "when I what"

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

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As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

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What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

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My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

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A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

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Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

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My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

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An old man is pulled over...

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

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An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Two men are walking down the street

When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"

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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

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The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

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Lecture

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

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An old bloke has just got out of a time machine...

... and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older, I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt when he's younger, and force him to suck my cock.

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2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

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I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

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So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out.

It's okay, though. They'll grow back.

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Two kids decided they were gonna start cussing

The older one says I'll say hell, you say ass.
They practice a little then go down for breakfast.

Mom asks what they want, first one says "ah hell, gimme cheerios"

Mom heard this and wack! Smacked across the face and sent to his room.

Then she asks the younger one what he wanted to eat. He replied, "you can bet your ass i don't want cheerios"

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During the war, an enemy soldier captures 3 nuns..

.He says that as revenge he'll rape all of them.

Young nun requested: Please spare the older nun.


Old nun : Shut up you Bitch! War is war.

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A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!

That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

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After making love, my wife looked at me disgusted and slapped me across the face

Shocked, I said "What the hell was that for?!"

She said, "That's for 40 years of bad sex!"

I slapped her, and she said,"What was that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference!"

As relayed to a coworker of mine when asking an older coworker for wedding advice upon the occasion of his upcoming wedding this week.

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What do you call a redneck virgin?

A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

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An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"

The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."

The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

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A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

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There's an old saying that goes: "The one who plants tamarinds, won't harvest tamarinds"

This is because this tree takes about 80-90 years to bear fruits.
Once, a young man found an old man planting tamarinds and he asked:
Grandpa, why are you planting tamarinds if you're never gonna harvest them?
Wisely, the older replied with a big smile:
Why don't you go and fuck yourself? This orchard is mine and I plant whatever the fuck I want.

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A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Gorilla

A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained that's your gorilla and it's getting hair. Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed my gorilla is getting hair! . The older sister looked at her and said that's nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.

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What are the most funny Older jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Older? Well, here are the best Older dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Older pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes