Older Jokes

187 older jokes and hilarious older puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about older that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Take a look at the lighter side of aging with a collection of jokes and anecdotes about getting another year older. Many of these jokes touch on growing older, the eldest, oldtimers, and more. Check out this article and get ready to chuckle over the ups and downs of getting older!

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Short Older Jokes
Older One Liners
Older Than Jokes
Getting Older Jokes
Year Older Jokes
Older Woman Jokes
More Older Jokes

Funniest Older Short Jokes

Short older jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The older humour may include short elder jokes also.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys. But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees
As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
As I get older I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth. I said it must be because he has the better dentist.
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way... Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

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Older One Liners

Which older one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with older? I can suggest the ones about aged and ages.

My parents named me after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
I was named after my older brother. And before my younger brother.
hot older men in your area Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?
Few people knew about Albert Einstein's older brother Frank He was a total monster.
Why is a field of grass always older than you? Because it's pasture age
I was named after my older brother. I was also named before my younger brother.
I'm dating an older woman. When i go down you know what it tastes like? Depends...
Why are archeologists great husbands? The older the wife the more they are into them
Why were older computers heavier? Because they used a FAT file system!
I like my women like I like my whiskey Irish, 18 years and older
I already know what I want to be when I get older.. Younger
Can older adults be circumcised? Or is there a cut off date ?
Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.
My reddit account is now one year old! That's older than most anti-vax kids!

Older Than Jokes

Here is a list of funny older than jokes and even better older than puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day. Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
I just found out my older wife was cheating on me Turns out she's not a cougar, she's a cheetah
I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam. It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
So my girlfriend is getting a bit older and her teeth are starting to fall out. It's okay, though. They'll grow back.
As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.
What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt? Her belly button.

Getting Older Jokes

Here is a list of funny getting older jokes and even better getting older puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I realized that haven't done the Hokey Pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.
The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all
LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out... You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself.. Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.
As you get older three things happen..... The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.....
When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.
As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle
Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog... Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Older joke, An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.

Year Older Jokes

Here is a list of funny year older jokes and even better year older puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes
Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.
Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.
Minecraft is 10 years old Older than half the people that play the game
My girlfriend is currently 2 years older than me. But in a few years I'll be the same age as her... Because I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty, too.
My new truck is older than my girlfriend... Its ok though a 12 year old truck still has a lot if life left.
Obama looks 40 years older at the end of his presidency. Trump looks 40 years younger at the end of his presidency.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
When Chuck Norris was 8 years old he got into a pillow fight with his older brother, that's why he's now an only child.

Older Woman Jokes

Here is a list of funny older woman jokes and even better older woman puns that will make you laugh with friends.

A young man in a chemist's shop asks May I have 3 condoms please, Miss?" Don't 'Miss' me, young man. The bitter older woman scornfully responds.
Oh sorry, he replied Make that 4 then, please.
An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women? Rich.
My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair. I think she's going through a midwife crisis.
I was dating an older woman once I told her to act her age and she died.
If an older woman who goes after a younger man is called a cougar, what is an older man going after a younger girl called? A Tyga
what do you call a young woman dating an older rich man? Investment
What's a woman ideal husband? An archaeologist. The older she gets the more interested he becomes.
If a "cougar" is an older woman who is into younger men, what do you call an older woman who is into younger women? a gym teacher
I hit on an older woman on a dating site and she rejected me by saying "is your dad available?" So i responded to her by saying "yeah, but i dont think he is into threesomes."
What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December? Saggytarius.

Older joke, What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Older Jokes

What funny jokes about older you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aging jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make older pranks.

A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter t**...,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.
The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.
They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.
The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".
The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.
"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.
"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

A young tree, curious about his lineage, asked an older tree, "Am I the son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The older tree replied, "I don't know, but your mom was the finest piece of ash in the forest!"

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

Strength vs. Intelligence

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says
"I just let a silent but deadly f**... loose. What should I do?"
The husband replies
"Get your hearing aid checked."

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."

Two men are walking down the street

When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"

What's the difference between a p**... and a bottle of wine?

The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.

An elderly Japanese man...

An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

The Three Old Ladies & the f**...

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a f**... approached from across the park.
The f**... came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a s**....
Then Maude also had a s**....
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

Two brothers, aged 9 and 5, try to buy tampons at a pharmacy.

They take them to the counter and the pharmacist says, Are these for you?
The older brother says, They aren't for me, they're for my brother.
Very confused the pharmacist asks, But, why does your brother need them? , and the older brother says, Well, the lady on the TV said if you use these you can swim and ride a bicycle and he can't do either of those things.

A man is sitting at the doctor's office

As he is doing this, he playfully rotates the wedding ring on his finger. An older gentleman across from him beckons and whispers "Son, there ain't no combination that's gonna unlock that thing".

Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.
Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".
He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."

A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...

The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Billy was sleeping in his room

Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A p**..."

What do you call a r... v...?

A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?
Him: To get to the s**... persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.

I was arrested for having s**... with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

My father used to do this to me...

- Dad: "You ask too many questions. Just like your older brother used to."
- Me: "But... I'm the oldest."
- Dad: "Now."

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight." the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He cant do either one."

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a f**... approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a s**....
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine

Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

When I was younger I thought drugs were going to be a much bigger problem.

Now I'm older, they seem like the only solution.

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter t**...", she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

Gorilla

A young girl hit puberty and her body started to change. One day she noticed she was getting hair down there. She went to her mom confused and the mom explained that's your gorilla and it's getting hair. Very excited the young girl went to her older sister and exclaimed my gorilla is getting hair! . The older sister looked at her and said that's nothing, my gorilla is already eating bananas.

When my teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I was older, I said, "a postman". They laughed and said I should have more ambition, but now I'm 33 and work at FedEx.

OP delivers!

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your s**... jokes when you get older

Me "when I what"

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, h**...-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

At age 12, I started responding, "Twelving like a pro." whenever someone asked me what I was up to.

Growing older, I've begun to wonder if the payoff will really be worth it by age 69.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....

Two older Jewish men walked by a Catholic Church with a sign in front that said Convert today and get $100

The first man turned to the second and said $100?!? I'm going in! and walked into the church, leaving his friend to wait for him outside. When the first man came back out, the second asked, OK, so now you're Catholic but did you at least get the $100? . The first man gave him a look and said It's always about the money with you people.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. Dad, I'm going to go feed This. Hey dad, I'm taking This for a walk. One day, This went missing. The kids went out to search for him, when they saw him on the side of the road, with skid marks all over his body. Years later, the kids still remembered and missed This.
Moral of the story:
Only 90s kids will remember This.

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

Today is my first cake day which means

My Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.