olde Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious olde puns

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.


The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.


Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.


What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"


An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."


The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."


2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???


An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"

The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."

The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"


What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.


Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".

The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".

The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".

"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.

"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"

...told by my parish priest.


The world's oldest 'Yo Mama' joke?

A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, *if you kick me into Hell, I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon Earth.*


Two older couples were having breakfast

Old man 1: "We went to the best restaurant last night.

Old man 2: "What's its name?"

Old man 1: "Oh I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?"

Old man 2: "Carnation?"

Old man 1: "No, the one with thorns."

Old man 2: "Rose?"

Old man 1: "Thats it. (turns to his wife) "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

(Credit to PlotTwists)


The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"


An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"


An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"


An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries out, "This is terrible! What should I do?"

"Well.", replied the doctor, "If I were you, I'd take her and drop her off on the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."


What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.


Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key


An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Let's try this prescription first. I want you to come back in a week and we'll see if it's working.

*The doctor scribbles something on his prescription pad and hands it to the old lady, who then gets the prescription filled. A week later she returns for the follow-up visit.*

**Lady:** Doctor, I have no idea what you gave me. I'm still tooting as much as before, but now they stink to high heavens!

**Doctor:** Wonderful. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do for your hearing.


My older brother got a new watch.

My older brother was bragging about his new gold watch. When I asked him how he got it he said "easy! I caught mom and dad having sex. Mom bought me this watch and told me not to tell anyone."

So last Friday night I waited until my parents had been in bed for about 10 minutes and burst open the door. My dads bare ass was right in my face. He shouted "what the fuck do you want son?!"

I replied "I want a watch!"

My dad said "well pull up a chair you're letting a draught in!"


An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says

"I just let a silent but deadly fart loose. What should I do?"

The husband replies

"Get your hearing aid checked."


As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more

When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle


Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...

Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees


A older husband and wife are laying in bed...

...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?

the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.

about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.

then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.

then the wife lets another one go right after that, 14-14.

then a couple minutes later the wife let a little toot go and says field-goal! 17-14.

The husband is laying there trying not to be outdone desperately trying to squeeze one out when all of a sudden he shits the bed!

The wife frantically says what was that?!?

The husband says it's half time, switch sides.


An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"


Older couple

An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.
"Whaaaat? What the hell is going on with you over there?"
"Tsk... it's just that every time I look in the mirror lately, all I see is that I'm getting older and fatter and uglier every day!", she says, pouting. "I could really use a compliment right now."
The husband looks her up and down and says- "Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight!"


It's the oldest joke in the book, but I love it.

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man about a foot tall playing a little piano. He asks the bartender why the little man is there, and he responds "I'll explain in a minute. First, make a wish on this magic beer bottle."

The guy says "Ok, sure"

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and a genie appears.
"You have one wish", he says.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room, and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey! What gives? I didn't want a million ducks!"

The bartender laughs, 'You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?


What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.


An older couple goes to the doctor

and asks the doctor if he can watch them have sex. The doctor, confused a bit, agrees and the couple goes at it.

When they're done the doc says, "I can't see anything wrong. You both seemed to be enjoying yourselves and it doesn't look like either of you was in distress." The couple thanks him and leaves.

This continues every week for a few weeks and finally the doctor just has to ask why they're coming to his office to have him watch them have sex.

"Well, doc," the man says, "she lives with her daughter who is a stay-at-home mom with a young child, so there's no privacy. I live in a nursing home but just got a roommate, so there's no privacy. A hotel is too expensive, but Medicare takes care of your bill."


Two older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

old man 2: What's it's name?

old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

old man 2: Carnation?

old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

old man 2: Rose?

old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


an older man and his young wife are having problems in the bedroom...

the young women is unable to climax

so they decide to take the problem to their priest and ask for advice.

the priest confirms that sex is an important part of marriage and he suggests they hire a young man to wave a towel in front of the womens face to help her lose herself and to cool her down.

that night as they are having sex, the young man waves the towel but still no climax for the young women. so she suggests that her husband wave the towel and the young man have intercourse with her. all parties agree and the young women has an ear piercing shaking orgasm. afterwards the old man approaches the younger man and says

"see son, thats how you shake a towel"


I already know what I want to be when I get older..



One of the oldest jokes I know

An Italian Man was visiting USA for the first time and was eating breakfast at his hotel, and when the waiter brought his toast, there was only one piece. The Italian man said, "I want two piss." The waiter said, "Go to the restroom." The Italian replied, "No, I wan two piss on me plate." The waiter said, "You better not piss on the plate, you son of a bitch!"

Later, at another reaturant the Italian man was eating dinner. He realized he had no fork, and told the waitress, "I wanna fock." She answered, "Everyone wants to." He answered, "No, you see, I wanna fock on da table." She answered, "You better not do that on the table, you son of a bitch!"

He went back to his hotel room, and saw that he had no sheet on his bed. The Italian called the front desk and said, "I wanna sheet on me bed." He said, "You'd better not shit in the bed, you son of a bitch!"

The next morning the Italian man is upset with this bad treatment and is checking out of the hotel. The man behind the desk says, "Peace to you." The Italian turns around and yells, "Piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch!"


What are the most funny Olde jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Olde? Well, here are the best Olde dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Olde pick up lines to share with friends.

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