Olde Jokes

What are some Olde jokes?

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on sex?"

The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."

The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".

The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".

The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".

"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.

"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"


...told by my parish priest.

The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way

Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

What are the two oldest animals on Earth?

The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Let's try this prescription first. I want you to come back in a week and we'll see if it's working.

*The doctor scribbles something on his prescription pad and hands it to the old lady, who then gets the prescription filled. A week later she returns for the follow-up visit.*

**Lady:** Doctor, I have no idea what you gave me. I'm still tooting as much as before, but now they stink to high heavens!

**Doctor:** Wonderful. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up let's see what we can do for your hearing.

An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says

"I just let a silent but deadly fart loose. What should I do?"

The husband replies

"Get your hearing aid checked."

As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more

When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle

Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...

Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

It's the oldest joke in the book, but I love it.

A guy walks into a bar and notices a man about a foot tall playing a little piano. He asks the bartender why the little man is there, and he responds "I'll explain in a minute. First, make a wish on this magic beer bottle."

The guy says "Ok, sure"

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and a genie appears.
"You have one wish", he says.

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room, and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

The guy looks at the bartender and says, "Hey! What gives? I didn't want a million ducks!"

The bartender laughs, 'You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?

Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.

An older couple goes to the doctor

and asks the doctor if he can watch them have sex. The doctor, confused a bit, agrees and the couple goes at it.

When they're done the doc says, "I can't see anything wrong. You both seemed to be enjoying yourselves and it doesn't look like either of you was in distress." The couple thanks him and leaves.

This continues every week for a few weeks and finally the doctor just has to ask why they're coming to his office to have him watch them have sex.

"Well, doc," the man says, "she lives with her daughter who is a stay-at-home mom with a young child, so there's no privacy. I live in a nursing home but just got a roommate, so there's no privacy. A hotel is too expensive, but Medicare takes care of your bill."

I already know what I want to be when I get older..

Younger

Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.

His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him sex whenever he wants it."

The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"

After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.

An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.

When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.

"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"Sure have, and strung up by my nipples".

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

Answer: A key.

Older generations had trouble supporting the #MeToo movement

I guess women saying pound me too isn't very empowering

An older couple on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary

An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says "Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago?"
The husband says "We were probably sitting around naked at the breakfast table."
"Why don't we do that now? You know...for old times sake?" says the wife. The husband agrees and they both strip and sit back at the table.
The wife leans over and says "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago."

The husband says "Of course they are. One's in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee."

Two older men where sitting at a bar.

Two older men where sitting at a bar when they over heard a few younger men talking.

One younger man said "you look exhausted"

The other man replied "I know all my girlfriend wants to do is have sex. Before breakfast, after breakfast, middle of the day, night, she even makes me up most nights to have sex"

One older gentleman scooted closer and said "Just marry her, that will put a stop to it real quick"

An older man goes to see his doctor...

...for a physical. The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, God turns on the light for me. And when I'm done, he turns it off again."

Now the doctor is curious as to what the man is talking about. He sends him on his way and calls the man's wife.

"Hello ma'am this is your husbands doctor. His checkup was fine, however he said something strange about God turning the light on when he gets up to pee in the night, and turning it off again when he's done."

The wife sighs and says, "Dammit he's peeing in the fridge again."

My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.

It's pretty ironic.

What's the oldest trick in the book?

The first one.

THE OLDEST "YOUR MOM" JOKE

***From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew."***

CHIRON:
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON:
Villain, I have done thy mother.

***an explosion soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!***

Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony...

Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony.

One asks the other, "Hey, have you read Marx?"

The other man replies, "Yeah, I think it's from these wicker chairs."

An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.

"Well that was disappointing," he said. The young lady was fantastic but I couldn't keep it up and didn't finish. "

"Too bad, honey. I thought it was spectacular," she replied. "That young stallion ran the full race three times!"

They should've known, it's simple arithmetic: 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.

Alzheimer's

An older woman was awaiting the results of a medical exam when her doctor informed her of some upsetting news. "I'm afraid you've got stage 4 cancer."
"Oh my god!" she shrieked.
"That's not all. To make matters worse, you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease." he said.
She took a moment to process the news. After a few moments passed, relieved, she says "Well thank god I don't have cancer."

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."

A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"

In olden days,

when the gods were wont to take on human form and tarry with mortals, the Norse god of thunder, he of the hammer MjΓΆlnir, espied a comely young Norsewoman and betook him to her bed. Being a god, he was able to "bring her to Valhalla" seven times over the course of the evening.

In the morning, he says to her, "Mortal woman! It is only meet that thou shouldst know with whom thou hast lain. Therefore, look upon me and know that I am Thor!"

The girl replies, "*You're* thor? *I'm* tho thor I can hardly thtand up!"

If an older woman who goes after a younger man is called a cougar, what is an older man going after a younger girl called?

A Tyga

One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline...

We go way back.

As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.

Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.

Three older women were sitting on a park bench.

One groaned. The one sitting next to her sighed.

The third one looked at both of them and said, "I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."

Who is the oldest Sith Lord?

Darth Ritis

What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party?

Go on, have a blast.

What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Why are older people grumpy?

I'd be heated too that many times around the sun.

An older couple finds genie lamp.

The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.

The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"

Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.

The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"

In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.

Again the oldest person has died

...the curse continues.

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts licking himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

My older brother annoyed me, so I gave him condoms with holes in them.

My sister got pregnant.

What's the oldest trick in the book?

Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents.

The Oldest Computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.


Yes, it was an Apple computer, but had an extremely limited memory.


Just one byte was used, and then everything crashed.


Adam and Eve were left holding their bits and pieces.


That salesman was a real snake!

An older gentleman was at the atm and asked for help checking his balance

...so I pushed him over

An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon.

After the three hour service, he's asked why. I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife's dentures in and couldn't stop talking.

Some older generations are opposed to Chinese people immigrating to our country.

It's racist but some people will never chang.

Why do older men lose their eyesight?

So they can still screw their wives

An older female friend just got back from a trip home to the Netherlands, and all she brought me was this nap sack.

What a Dutch bag.

I could tell I had an older sibling, even before I was born.

There was graffiti in the womb.

Why do older women write open-ended sentences?

They don't have periods.

The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with almost no RAM.

After one byte, everything crashed.

Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length?

It keeps you regular.

The oldest joke in the world: "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?"

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

Older people are easier to make laugh. Young people are like Google passwords. . .

It needs to be have a special character, a capital letter , a number and you can't use the same as last time.

Oldest joke in the world

So my friend adopts a dog, and he tells me it's got no nose. "No nose?" I said, " How does it smell?"

He says,

"Awful"

As I get older, I only find that two body parts start hurting all the time. My back.....

And my front.

What did the older melon say to the two young melons, who's love was forbidden?

You cantaloupe.

So the oldest man in Japan turned 112 today...

His parents threw him a great party

What's the oldest living animals on earth?

Bro 1: Penguins, Pandas, Skunks, and Zebras.

Bro 2: Man are you nuts?

Bro 1: They're black and white dumbass.

You know what the third oldest profession is?

Divorce attorney

An older man is laying on his deathbed.

"Honey," he rasps when he sees his wife, "I have to know. Our two daughters have been so beautiful and our only son has always been so ugly that I've had my doubts, and I can't leave this world without knowing, but is he truly mine?"

"Of course, dear," she answers. The man relaxes and sags back into the bed with a quiet note of contentment and flatlines in the next minutes.

As she mourns, she can't help but think, *Thank God he didn't ask about Jen and Kate.*

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Older people have told that my generation is all lazy and irresponsible...

...but at least we don't broad generalizations.

How to make Olde jokes?

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