Olde Jokes
114 olde jokes and hilarious olde puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about olde that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Olde Short Jokes
Short olde jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The olde humour may include short bard jokes also.
- This week in DC, mark zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He's explaining Facebook to old people.
- Joke from my 12 year old why do you never see elephants hiding in tree? Because they're so good at it!
Please don't ban me - Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old - Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
- I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider. - I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke. - Why did elon musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
- My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
- My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
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Olde One Liners
Which olde one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with olde? I can suggest the ones about matey and ancient.
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis
- 6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat? BAMBOOM!
- Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
- Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
- Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
- My son is 2934 days old today. He was born on 12/12/12.
- Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I'm the CIEIO
- This subreddit is 10 years old now. I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
- I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.
- Why did the African 3 year old cry? He was having a mid life crisis
- From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks? You.
Why I oughta...! - why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis
- Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry He was having a midlife crisis
- I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel But it takes up too much space in my freezer
Ridiculous Olde Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about olde you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean antique jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make olde pranks.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
An older couple is sitting in church
when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says
"I just let a silent but deadly f**... loose. What should I do?"
The husband replies
"Get your hearing aid checked."
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
I already know what I want to be when I get older..
Younger
What's the oldest trick in the book?
The first one.
Two older men where sitting at a bar.
Two older men where sitting at a bar when they over heard a few younger men talking.
One younger man said "you look exhausted"
The other man replied "I know all my girlfriend wants to do is have s**.... Before breakfast, after breakfast, middle of the day, night, she even makes me up most nights to have s**..."
One older gentleman scooted closer and said "Just marry her, that will put a stop to it real quick"
What did the older t**... say to the younger t**... before he headed out for a party?
Go on, have a blast.
What's the oldest age that a boy can have a circumcision?
I just want to know the cutoff date.
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Two older gentlemen were talking
One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
What's the oldest red wine in America?
"Give us back our land!"
Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.
The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.
As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.
Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.
Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key
2 older couple were having breakfast
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Oldest YOUR MOM Joke
CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.
an e**... soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!
From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew.
An older woman's husband dies during a b**... session.
She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the h**...'s Angels.
When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.
"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"Sure have, and strung up by my n**...".
One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline...
We go way back.
As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more
When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle
What's the oldest trick in the book?
Trick #1, duh. It's at the beginning of the contents.
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
If an older woman who goes after a younger man is called a cougar, what is an older man going after a younger girl called?
A Tyga
Some older generations are opposed to Chinese people immigrating to our country.
It's racist but some people will never chang.
My older sister constantly and incorrectly uses the word "ironic" to describe situations in her life.
It's pretty ironic.
Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony...
Two older men are sitting at a communist nudist colony.
One asks the other, "Hey, have you read Marx?"
The other man replies, "Yeah, I think it's from these wicker chairs."
What are the two oldest animals on Earth?
The Zebra and the Panda. Because we see them in black and white.
An older gentleman was at the atm and asked for help checking his balance
...so I pushed him over
What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?
Her belly button.
Again the oldest person has died
...the curse continues.
Why do older men lose their eyesight?
So they can still screw their wives
Alzheimer's
An older woman was awaiting the results of a medical exam when her doctor informed her of some upsetting news. "I'm afraid you've got stage 4 cancer."
"Oh my god!" she shrieked.
"That's not all. To make matters worse, you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease." he said.
She took a moment to process the news. After a few moments passed, relieved, she says "Well thank god I don't have cancer."
Older lady in the bus snaps at a guy with a dog...
Please get that thing away from me. I can feel flees on my legs.
Dog owner to dog: Rex move away, the lady has flees
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
Who is the oldest Sith Lord?
Darth Ritis
An older female friend just got back from a trip home to the Netherlands, and all she brought me was this nap sack.
What a Dutch bag.
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
Three older women were sitting on a park bench.
One groaned. The one sitting next to her sighed.
The third one looked at both of them and said, "I thought we weren't going to talk about the children."
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the b**... face of the Anglo-Saxons
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
Answer: A key.
My older brother annoyed me, so I gave him condoms with holes in them.
My sister got pregnant.
The Oldest Computer...
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple computer, but had an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte was used, and then everything crashed.
Adam and Eve were left holding their bits and pieces.
That salesman was a real snake!
Why do older women write open-ended sentences?
They don't have periods.
So the world's oldest woman died today....
I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
Older generations had trouble supporting the #MeToo movement
I guess women saying pound me too isn't very empowering
What's older Jimmy, the sun or the moon?
Jimmy: Well duh, the moon; because it's allowed to go out at night.
I could tell I had an older sibling, even before I was born.
There was graffiti in the w**....
An older couple finds genie lamp.
The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.
The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"
Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.
The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"
In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.
An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon.
After the three hour service, he's asked why. I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife's dentures in and couldn't stop talking.
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with almost no RAM.
After one byte, everything crashed.
My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.
The m**... shakes brought paramedics to the yard.
As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.
It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
As I get older, I sometimes stop and think about all of the people I've lost along the way
Maybe my job as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea after all
The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve
An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.
Why are older people grumpy?
I'd be heated too that many times around the sun.
Two older Jewish men walked by a Catholic Church with a sign in front that said Convert today and get $100
The first man turned to the second and said $100?!? I'm going in! and walked into the church, leaving his friend to wait for him outside. When the first man came back out, the second asked, OK, so now you're Catholic but did you at least get the $100? . The first man gave him a look and said It's always about the money with you people.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.
First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...
Classic wookie mistake.
(Oldie, but never gets olde)
What's the oldest joke in the book?
The one on the first page.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
As I have gotten older and started thinking about all the people I have lost on the way I'm starting to think.....
Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't the best career
Being the oldest nominee for president...
You could say that Joe's been Biden his time.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I begin to think to myself..
Maybe a career as a tour guide really wasn't for me.
What is the oldest age a person can get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cutoff date.
Why were older computers heavier?
Because they used a FAT file system!
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.
It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
The world's oldest recorded joke in history.
I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):
Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?
A: A woman not f**... in her husband's lap.
Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.
86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, surprise!
It was an Apple,
but with limited memory.
Just one byte,
and everything crashed.
The older woman.....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up and marry each other." "Yeah, right," the guy says. "Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.
If you could firm this up, you wouldn't need a girdle! He says.
She turns around and grabs is c**...
If you could firm this up, I wouldn't need your brother!
World's oldest joke found in a 10th century book of anglo-saxon poetry :
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that's it's often poked before?
A key....
As i get older, i remember all the people i lost along the way
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't the right choice
Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?
It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!
What's the name of the oldest dinosaur?
The Mybachisaurus
An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?
Rich.
As I get older I think about all the people I've lost along the way
Maybe being a tour guide wasn't for me
Can older adults be circumcised?
Or is there a cut off date ?
