old west Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious old west puns

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

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Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

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A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

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The 100 mile per-hour goat

Two rednecks are walking through the woods in West Virginia when they come upon a large hole in the ground. They are examining the hole when one turns to the other and says "Maaaaan... that sure looks like one DEEP hole. How far down do you think it goes?" The other replies "I can't really tell, but yep... it sure looks deep. Let's find something to throw down there and see if we can hear it hit the bottom."
The two walk off a little ways and find an old rusted truck engine in the weeds. They work together to pick it up and drag it to the edge of the hole. Then, with a big heave, they push it over the side to watch it drop.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a goat running head-long at the hole at what seems to be 100 miles per-hour. The goat gets to the edge of hole and without hesitation plunges head first into the abyss.
The rednecks are standing there startled and confused when an old farmer approaches. "Hey - either of you fellers seen a goat around here? I can't find him..." The rednecks tell the old farmer about what they saw and the farmer stands there scratching his head.
"Well that's just impossible!" says the farmer. "I had the damn thing tied to an old engine!"

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west...

and sits down. He looks around and then says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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A man and a woman get married in the old west.

They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."

A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her off its back again. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's two."

Finally, as they're nearing their house, the horse yet again drops the woman off of it's back. The man looks the horse in the eye and says "That's three." He pulls his gun out and shoots the horse dead.

The woman turns to the man, shocked, and screams "You didn't have to do that! It was a strong horse and we could have sold it for good money!"

Then the man turned around, looked the woman in the eyes, and said "That's one."

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the greenhorn

A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.

He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there, neighbor. My spot's just over the hill there. I wanted to invite you a party."

Greenhorn: "That sounds wonderful! I haven't seen a soul in weeks!"

Prospector: "I got to warn ya though...there's likely to be some dancin'!"

Greenhorn: "I love to trip the light fantastic! I'll bring my dancing shoes."

Prospector: "I got to warn ya...there'll be drinkin'!"

Greenhorn: "Oh, don't worry, I can hold my liquor."

Prospector: "There's likely to be some fiightin'."

Greenhorn: "I'm not inexperienced when it comes to fisticuffs!"

Prospector: "There'll be ... fornication."

Greenhorn: "Well...it is the Wild West...and I have not seen a lady in quite some time."

The prospector nods gruffly to himself and begins to leave. The greenhorn says, "Say, what should I wear to this soiree?"

The prospector pauses and says, "Oh, any old thing...it'll just be you and me."

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In the Old West

In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn't have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to translate.

Sheriff, through translator: "Where's the money?"

Bank robber, through translator: I'll never tell you."

The sheriff puts his revolver to the bank robber's head. Now, tell me where the money is!

Bank robber (in Spanish): I hid it under the bridge south of town!

Translator: He says he's not afraid to die."

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Good old Stalin.

So Stalin wakes up one morning and goes to his balcony, where the Sun is rising in the east.

"Good morning, comrade Sun!" he calls out.

"Good morning, comrade Stalin!" the Sun replies, "I hope you slept well."

At noon, Stalin goes for a walk, he looks up at the Sun and says, "good day, comrade Sun!"

"Good day, comrade Stalin, I hope your day is going well."

In the evening, Stalin goes out on the veranda and faces the setting Sun. "Good evening, comrade Sun!"

Nothing.

"IΒ said,Β good evening, comrade Sun!"

The Sun replies, "fuck you! I'm in the west now!"

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A Cowboy and a Native American

A Cowboy and a Native American walk into a saloon in the old west, the bartender looks at the Native American and says "We don't serve your kind here."

The Cowboy turns to the Native and says "I'll order our food, just go outside and run the back and forth up the road to keep yourself warm."

The Native American obliges. The Cowboy orders and is sitting there waiting for their food and having a drink when a man walks in and says "Whose horses are those outside?"

The cowboy replies "They're mine"

The man says "Well you left your injun running."

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Lost

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said "Well, one time I was lost..."

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An old joke from East Germany

A German worker gets a job in Siberia. Aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: "Let's establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false."

After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: "Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affairβ€”the only thing unavailable is *red ink*."

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A Short History Lesson

The old missionaries who arrived in the West Indies were the cannibals first taste of Christianity

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An old one

Mikhail Gorbachev gets up in the morning and goes out onto his balcony to get some fresh air. The sun is rising.

Good morning, red sun! he exclaims.

Long live Mikhail Gorbachev! the sun replies.

Very happy with this, Gorbachev goes about his business. After a busy morning he goes out onto his balcony again, and sees the sun at its height.

Good afternoon, sun! he shouts out.

Long live Comrade Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union! replies the sun.

Very pleased, Gorbachev returns to his work.

That evening, after a hard day, he comes out once again onto his favorite balcony. He sees the sun setting, and with a smile cries out, Good evening, my little sun!

I am in the West now, replies the sun, so fuck you!

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian

As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.

Nice Tits.

Get in the Truck.

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Why are there no hand paintings from the old west?

Because they could only draw guns.

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Back in the pioneer days...

A couple traveling west saw an old Native American man with his ear pressed to the ground, unmoving. As they approached, the man's eyes slowly opened and he said:

"Large wagon train. Fifty wagons. Lead cart has team of five horses. Half wagons covered, half not. Cart in middle have chip in wheel. Last wagon have team of three. One brown, one black, one tan. Tan horse have cropped tail."

The pioneers, shocked, said, "That's amazing! You can hear all that just by putting your ear to the ground?"

The old brave replied, "No. Ran over me half hour ago..."

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Big Mike and the Saloon

In the Old West, there's this saloon. It's decently-sized and fairly crowded. But one day, the sheriff comes in and yells, "Y'all better git! Big Mike is comin'!"

The folk in the saloon figure this Big Mike guy is bad news, so the whole place clears out. The bartender is about to close up shop when this big, burly guy slams the doors open and starts clamoring toward the bar. The guy must have been six foot ten, three hundred pounds, with fists the size of bowling balls.

Before the bartender could say a word, the guy grabs the nearest bottle of whiskey and chugs it. After emptying the bottle, he smashes it on the bar and starts chewing on the glass shards. The bartender, scared out of his wits, mutters, "c-c-can I g-g-get you another b-b-bottle?"

The guy says, "Nah, I better git. Big Mike is comin'."

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Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid Β£800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be interested in taking his place? It all gets underway in West London at 3pm on Saturday July 7th. The bride's name is Lucy, 30 years old, weighs about 60kg. She is financially independent and an excellent cook, and her other interests include tennis and classical music.

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Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"

Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.

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Did you hear about the three-legged dog who limped into the saloon in a town in the old west?

He was lookin' for the varmints who shot his paw.

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In the old west, three-legged dog walk into a bar...

Sits, down, orders a drink.

Bartender say, "Hey stranger, what brings you to these parts?"

Dog replies, "Lookin for the son of a bitch who shot my paw."

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"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.

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A Cowboy and an Indian

A grizzled old Cowboy and his Indian brave partner are tracking an infamous gang of buffalo rustlers through the wild west. The Cowboy stops and exhales gruffly, thinking they've lost the bandits' trail. The Indian holds up a finger to the wind. Then leans down as if listening to the earth.
He puts his ear to the ground and says "Buffalo come".
"Sheeit how dya you know that?" says the Cowboy.
The Indian brave replies, "Ear Sticky".

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a west Virginian man is driving down the road

when he sees a old man in the middle of a field
casting a fishing rod, over and over

the man then turns to his wife, while pulling over saying this is why west Virginians get such a bad rap

he gets out of his car and shouts at the old man "Hey, your the reason, us west Virginians get such a bad rap, and what are you even doing?"

the old man replies with "i'm fishing what does it look like."

the man then says "if i could swim i would kick your ass!"

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The brown paper cowboy

A bounty hunter wandered into an old Texan town, looking for the latest wanted posters. Not finding any, he made his way to the local sheriff's office. ''So, who needs bringing in around here?" he asked the sheriff.

''Well, there's only one godawful fugitive around here, the baddest guy in the west. They call him the brown paper cowboy.''

'Why do they call him that?'' asks the bounty hunter.

''Because he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper jacket, and brown paper boots.''

''Weird'' says the bounty hunter. ''What's he wanted for?"

''Rustlin','' says the sheriff.

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

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Old joke from East Germany.

Three guys work at a factory:

1st guy comes 5 minutes too late for work. Gets arrested for sabotage.

2nd guy comes 5 minutes too early for work. Gets arrested for espionage.

3rd guy comes to work on time. Gets arrested for possessing a West-Uhr. (a watch from the west)

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Everybody was running out of the Old West town...

The Eastern dude watched in amazement as he walked to his saloon to open up for the day. He stopped a passerby to ask what was going on.

"Ain'tcha heard? Big Bad Bob's a-comin' He'll turn this town upside down and I don't wanna be here when that happens!"

The dude can't quite believe it, so he goes behind the bar to wait for customers. After a few more minutes go by, a dark shadow fills the doorway. The batwings are shattered into kindling as the giant newcomer enters sideways to be able to fit at all.

The dude is terrified. "Wo- would you like a drink?" he trembles.
"Gimme a bottle of whiskey!" roars the huge man. As the dude hands it to him, the giant bites off the neck and pours the entire bottle down at one go.

"Wo- would you like another?" asks the dude.
"Hell, no!" roars the man. "Ain'cha heard? Big Bad Bob's a-comin'!"

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Three legged dog

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces:
"I'm lookin' for the man who executed my father."

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A 3 legged dog walking into an Old West bar. He says...

I'm lookin for the man that shot my Paw.

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How do you find a virgin in West Virginia?

Find a girl who can still run faster than her 12 year-old brother.

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What's the definition of a virgin in West Virginia

A 16 year old girl who can still outrun her brothers

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THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS

*This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.*


Dear Lions Bay School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady...

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio. She would never let me listen to it.

She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces.

It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Edna

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There was time in the old west

A dog with three legs walks into a saloon, he slams open the doors, looks around at the startled patrons and asks, "Anyone seen my PAW?"

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What are the most funny Old West jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Old West? Well, here are the best Old West dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Old West pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes