Old Timer Jokes
28 old timer jokes and hilarious old timer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old timer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Old Timer Short Jokes
Short old timer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old timer humour may include short old time jokes also.
- So an old-timer goes out for breakfast... And the young whippersnapper of a waiter asks "What will you have, Sir?"
"Bacon my day, sonny!"
[Sorry/notsorry - it's how my mind works] - An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch. A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet."
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Old Timer One Liners
Which old timer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old timer? I can suggest the ones about old veteran and old guy.
- Covid dadjokes are like Covid The young don't get it, but it kills the old timers.
- Why didn't the old man beep when his time was up? He's an old timer.
Amusing Old Timer Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about old timer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean oldie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old timer pranks.
An Old Man is thrown out of a bar
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
The secret of long life
A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."
Three old-timers sitting on a bench...
The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."
After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."
After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."
And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,
What jobs?
A joke from an old timer at a dive bar
How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?
She went downtown and blew a few bucks.
*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away a few years ago, but I thought y'all might appreciate it. RIP, Doc ♥️
The cost of gas in Boston
I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.
I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.
He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"
An old man was sitting on a bench ...
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "
I hope I never get this old.
An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"
The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have s**... all the time."
The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"
The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"
Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."
"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation
"Much nicer than the boys"
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service s**...!"
Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.
"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."
Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service s**...!"
Airline pilot...
An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!
Joe & Chester
Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."
"What makes you say that, Joe?"
"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."
"Like what?"
"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."
"Pffft! That shows how good your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
Husband and wife are in bed one night...
when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles and gives the woman a hundred dollar bill. Wife gets back in bed and husband goes "who was it?" And the wife says "oh it was just the neighbor." And the husband goes, "did he give you the hundred bucks that he owes me?"
An old-timer told me this so it can't be that fresh but I had never heard it and thought it was good.
The Smart Navigator
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.
The crusty old-timer Captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.
He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his Co-Pilot.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.
What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow
The old man just stared at the young man
Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring
Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?
Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".