Old Time Jokes

If I Cuold time travel

I would fix the title.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably n**... as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get n**... again for old time's sake?"
So they s**... off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my n**... are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

Two friends meet after a long time.

and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."

Remember the old times in the Internet?

Where men are men, women are men, and
the national security agents are young children.

A c**... joke I thought up.

What do you get if you purchase a quad pack of traditional mature Japanese wine?
Four old times sake.

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

Covid dadjokes are like Covid

The young don't get it, but it kills the old timers.

And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,

What jobs?

A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.

They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love. 
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!" 
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago."

A joke from an old timer at a dive bar

How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?
She went downtown and blew a few bucks.
*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away a few years ago, but I thought y'all might appreciate it. RIP, Doc ♥️

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a p**... and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The p**... says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Hi. I am here. First post, go easy on me.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.
I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

I love the old times when I could buy so many candies, bottles of soda and fruit with just one dollar but now I can't

Because stores now have cameras

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"

An old man was sitting on a bench ...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair coloured green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said: " What's the matter, old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied: " Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. "

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

Old time astrologist are like feminist.

They all think they are the center of the universe.

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."
"Not yet."

I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"
The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have s**... all the time."
The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with that?"
The old man still sobbing says "I can't remember where I live!"

Today, I decided to go and meet my good friend Chris Pine.

We hadn't seen each other in ages, but I decided to go and catch up with him for old time's sake. We went on a stroll down the park, waiting in the ice cream line as it was a hot day. Next, we went to a theater, but the phantom of the opera was showing, and the theater line was full. Exasperated, and famished, we decided to head to grab some food and go home. But there was no lunch, pine.

Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation
"Much nicer than the boys"

Just walked by a senior center celebrating pride...

... It looked like they were having a gay old time

If I Cuold Time Travel

I wouldn't have dropped out of school

Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service s**...!"

What did the old British man say to his friends after watching l**...?

What do you say gentlemen, I think they had a gay old time.

What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill?

A navvy lanch

I hung out with a homosexual elderly watchmaker the other day

We had a gay old time

I like my women like I like my old timey tobacco pipes

Curvy and remind me of grandpa.

Why didn't the old man beep when his time was up?

He's an old timer.

I miss the old times

I remember when my grandmother gave me 5 Euros to buy myself something.
I came back with 3 snickers, a bottle of coke, a lot of icecream and some Comics.
But now? Securitycameras everywhere man.

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together.
They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake."
The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service s**...!"

Two old friends are catching up for the first time in a few months.

Dave: How's those memory pills you're on Bill, are they working?
Bill: They're fantastic mate, couldn't be happier. I'm remembering old faces, recalling old times, I'm very happy.
Dave: Hmm, what are they called, I might have to get some for myself.
Bill: Oh, umm, gee, what's the name of that flower?
Dave: Daisy?
Bill: No no no, the really pretty flower.
Dave: A tulip?
Bill: No, that's not it either, the romantic flower that grows in the garden.
Dave: A rose?
Bill: Yes! That's it, a rose. (Yelling to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that medication I'm on?!
Be kind, it's my first joke...

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot s**......

He engages a lovely h**... and takes her up to his room.
He's going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks 'how am I doing?'
The h**... replies 'well Norman, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says 'you're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're definitely knot getting your money back!'

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a b**....
Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.
Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.
As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall...

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down with the old man . He had spiked hair in all different colors : green , red , orange , blue and yellow
The old man just stared at the young man
Every time the young man looked , The old man was staring
Young man : What's the matter old timer , Never done anything wild your life?
Without batting an eye , The old man replied , "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot , I was wondering if you were my son".

Putin is at a press conference...

Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.
Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes
Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner...
Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this
*Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev, when ends the Aquafresh contract?