Old School Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde sitting in the back of your 6th grade class?
A: your 25 year old mom.

When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle j**...?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let's hear it. And he said,..,

If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down? And then said he didn't get it! I thought it was hilarious!

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

Little kid in sunday school

the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

Successful entrepreneur

I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"

A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.

The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."

In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school

and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father "Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!"

My 3 year old told me a joke on our way home from pre-school.

From her car seat yells up to me, "Knock knock, Daddy!"
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!

A black Jewish guy

A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."

So, the 7 year-old daughter is talking with her mom...

"Mom, today at school during break, Jason and I played doctor!" she says excitedly.
"Oh dear" the mother answers, fearing the worst "what did you two do?"
"Oh, not much, he made me wait forty-five minutes and then double billed the insurance company."

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

It was my five year old daughter's school play last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years!

I didn't go.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A chinese father tells his 7 year old son he's adopted

His son replies: it's ok daddy I learned this in school already! 2 wongs don't make a white.

Late for School

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home...

You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike

She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal.
(Mat Ewins)

Can you spare just $2.00?

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . We'll send you the video! It's hilarious!

My Sunday School teacher is so old...

.. when the New Testament came out she said "I don't care for the new curriculum."

A blind kid named Stevie just changed schools...

And he was thinking about his old friends. Since he was blind, he never got to look at his friend, James, and he randomly thought, "Was James brown?"
After a little while, he realised he left before his friend, Marvin, came out and so he thought "Was Marvin gay?"
Needles to say, these questions really made Stevie wonder.

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a w**...."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Old School Friend

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:
*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment*
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.
"Aay, G."
Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

Old joke (1930s) - Little kid comes in late to school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?"...

Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred."
Teacher says, "Couldn't your father do it?"
Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

s**... education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about s**..., then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a b**... was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"
Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

I bumped into an old school friend today

He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.
So long story short my insurance rates are going up.

8 year old boy came home excitedly, telling his dad that a school play is gonna be held next month

Dad: that's great! What role did you get?
Son: I'll be the husband!
Dad: (*sigh*) tell your teacher tomorrow to give you a different role with more lines.

I was sitting with my wife at a high school reunion...

And she spotted a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, do you know him?
Yes, she replied, he is my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking as soon as we split those many years ago. He hasn't been sober since.
My god I said, who could think a man would go on celebrating that long?

An 8 year old boy was horrendous at math.

His parents were worried about his math skills and decided to enroll him in a Catholic school. After the boy's first report card came out, he had straight A's in his math class. His father asked the boy, "How did the Catholic school make you better at math?" The boy responded with, "I never took math seriously but when walked in to my new school and saw the man nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!"

Just realized I used my old spirit week shirt from school as a fap rag.

It was my Homecumming shirt

Purchased Vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! that I was HOMEMADE."

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it's ups.

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, n**... c**... and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't s**... him.

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".
Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."
Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."
Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."
Excuse #1: "I swear the update caused that c**...."

Peter wakes up one morning

"I don't wanna go to the school!"
"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"
"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"
"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and the principal. GO TO WORK!"

A man was walking with his three year old daughter.

As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.
'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'
"And what's Beth short for?'
'She's only three.'

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"
"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"
"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."
"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"
asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".
I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

what do school shooter victims and school shooter jokes have in common?

they never get old

Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a whole 3-year old child in under 30 seconds?

On another subject, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital

Billy asks Tommy why he's there.
Tommy says, To get my tonsils removed.
Billy says, Oh don't worry, it's not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.
Tommy then asks Billy, Why are you here?
Billy says, For a circumcision.
Tommy says, Oh boy, that's s**..., I had one when I was first born and I couldn't walk for about a year!

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:
\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

An old man's dream

"I dream to be the president of USA just like my school friend." an old man said.
"Who is your friend , Biden or Trump ?"
"Neither. His name is Kanye West"
"But he is not the president of USA"
"Correct, he dreams to become the president."

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish and put up a blank headstone.
Later when people were passing by his grave, they would look at his blank headstone and say - "Hmmm. Thats Odd".

Football joke

Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.
"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"
"Are you a coach?"
"No I'm an eye doctor"

Around 1900, in a school in Austria

The 11-12 year olds were quizzed on European capitals. Teacher asks boy:
What is the capital of Germany? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of France? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of Great Britain? "Berlin!"
Teacher: No son, you failed and were wrong on 2 out of the 3, what was your name again?
"Adolph!"