Old People Telling Jokes
56 old people telling jokes and hilarious old people telling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old people telling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Old People Telling Short Jokes
Short old people telling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old people telling humour may include short old men telling jokes also.
- You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
- You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial I guess I'm just a late boomer.
- People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
- Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game? ...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day
- How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
- The best way to tell if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people If they laugh, you're young
If they panic, you're old - How do you get other people to pay you to haul away your old junk? Tell them it's a garage sale.
- My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle. When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".
True story.
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Old People Telling One Liners
Which old people telling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old people telling? I can suggest the ones about old people and old folks.
- How to tell if you are old? Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.
- I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
- On old people... It doesn't matter what you tell them, they can't hear you anyway
- People keep begging me to stop telling old fashioned jokes. Take my wife's pleas....
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Old People Telling Jokes
What funny jokes about old people telling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old people driving jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old people telling pranks.
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me.
I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name.
I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
My grandmother used to tell us a joke.
She'd say "Knock knock."
We'd say "Who's there?".
Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.
Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?
Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "Don´t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
A married couple has invoked the ghosts, after 15 minutes of invoking has appeared only the face of the grandmother of the man.
The married couple has asked the grandmother together: "What would you like to tell us dear granny? "
The granny has said: "I am looking forward to seeing you soon. Have a nice day!"
Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.
Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:
Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"
Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
A meeting at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery
"What poor people there are in America," a man tells his comrade, "Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have b**..., and their wine is old!"
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
Perfect & interesting joke of a little boy~
Old people poke me at weddings and tell me "your next"
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
Donald Trump visits and old folks' home...
to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.
"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.
She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..
She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."
Josh tells his friend Steve, 'did you know 2 out of every 3 people live next to a p**...?'
Steve replies 'not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 years olds'
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
Jokes for six year old
Hey guys. Was hoping all you hilarious people at jokes could help a dad out.
I recently started working out of town for long stretches and I just want to be able to tell my six year old son some funny jokes for his age.
I've looked some up but after the 4th website I realized they are mostly unoriginal and not that funny. Anyways, you guys got anything to make the little man laugh when I call him?
My grandfather was an old nautical engineer who tried to warn everyone on the Titanic that they were doomed
First he yelled at the passengers while they boarded...he was ignored
Then he yelled at the Captain and the First Mate...he was ignored
Then as he continued to yell his warnings; people began to tell him to be quiet and that he was crazy
Eventually, after all his yelling; Security came and escorted him out of the movie theater
If a millennial asks you...
If a millennial asks you why people in old photos have red eyes
Tell them that they're too young to remember the d**... uprising of the 1980s
I'm 50 but people keep telling me I have the body of a 22 year old
I dunno what's up with the cops and lawyers, I hid it it weeks ago
[Actually true story] An old man tells his wife is on his death bed: Some people have such an easy time dying
but I am almost croaking in the process.
An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.
A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.
After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the Rabbi and walks up to him and says "Rabbi, I think you may be at the wrong venue. This is a church so the people here will only give money to the priest".
Upon hearing this the rabbi then turns to the priest sitting next to him and says "Moish, this guy's trying to tell us how to do business".
A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way
A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way. They decided to switch things up by giving all the jokes a number each and just saying the joke's number instead of telling the whole joke, making things more efficient and different.
One day they sit together and tell some jokes.
Guy: 17
They all laugh
Other guy: 54
They laugh again
Another guy: 76
They all laugh and one laughs hysterically for the next minute.
After he is done laughing they ask him:
Why makes you laugh so hard at this joke in particular?
"It's the first time I've ever heard it"
An old joke.
Two hunters were lost in a forest.
One tells the other, I heard that if you fire three times in the air, that can help people to find you.
They try that once, then again an hour later but still no-one turned up.
The second hunter says I am not sure we should try that again.
The first hunter agrees, saying You're probably right, besides, we're almost out of arrows.
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.
A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret. I've been married for 75 years.
Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)
He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.
"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.
"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll tell you what. It can say 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'"
"But then they won't know it's me."
"Of course they will. People will read it and say 'That's strange.'"
This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.
A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the car.
"Sir, I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
"I did, Officer! Today I'm taking them to the movies."
