Old People Jokes
116 old people jokes and hilarious old people puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old people that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of old people jokes. From funny stories about seniors to hilarious one-liners, we've got you covered.
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- Short Old People Jokes
- Old People One Liners
- Old People Telling Jokes
- Old People Driving Jokes
- Mean Old People Jokes
- More Old People Jokes
Funniest Old People Short Jokes
Short old people jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old people humour may include short old folks jokes also.
- This week in DC, mark zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He's explaining Facebook to old people.
- Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up? In an elderly fashion. (So proud)
- Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving But I think it builds character.
- How to find out if you're old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.
- I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspaper are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance. - You can tell monopoly's an old game... ...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail
- You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
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Old People One Liners
Which old people one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old people? I can suggest the ones about older people and old couple.
- Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final
- Why do old people read the bible so much? Cramming for finals :)
- What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!
- How to tell if you are old? Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.
- Why dont you ever see beggers over 65? Because old people hate change
- Why do we give mud baths to old people? To get them used to dirt.
- What kid of music do old people listen to? Hip-Pop
- An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery The police reports over 3.500 dead people
- What happens when old Nintendo consoles become obsolete? People Switch.
- I like to spoil the plot of Peter Pan for people. Never gets old.
- What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day? A geri-hat-trick.
- Why do black people buy old police cars? They never got to ride in the front seat.
- I hate seeing old people. and then realizing that I went to school with them.
- What do you call a match-making service for realy old people? "Carbon-Dating"
- How do old people become cool again? Hip replacements!
Old People Telling Jokes
Here is a list of funny old people telling jokes and even better old people telling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial I guess I'm just a late boomer.
- People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
- Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game? ...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day
- How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
- The best way to tell if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people If they laugh, you're young
If they panic, you're old - How do you get other people to pay you to haul away your old junk? Tell them it's a garage sale.
- I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
- On old people... It doesn't matter what you tell them, they can't hear you anyway
- My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle. When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".
True story.
Old People Driving Jokes
Here is a list of funny old people driving jokes and even better old people driving puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't know why old people drive so slowly.. If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!
- What do old people do with their cars when they are to old to drive them? they tow them behind their motor home!
Mean Old People Jokes
Here is a list of funny mean old people jokes and even better mean old people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Monopoly is amazing but it has some pretty old stuff that one can't relate to anymore I mean there is free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"
- Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?
Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
Hilarious Old People Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about old people you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean elderly people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old people pranks.
The Silent f**...
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe...
A chemist, a biologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at an outdoor cafe. Across the street is an old, abandoned house. As they sit, they watch two people go into the house. A short while later, three come out.
The chemist says: "the measurements were wrong."
The biologist says: "they reproduced."
The mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the house will be empty again!"
Little kid in sunday school
the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...
After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!
I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a
thorough inspection to find that I had a gray p**...
hair.
The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.
(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?
So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.
One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."
They say one in ten people live next door to a p**......
Not me.... i live next to two gorgeous 8 year olds.
Old Soviet joke
People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'
Why do old people read the bible so much?
I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"
He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"
The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
Grandmas don't know everything.........
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...
A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."
A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church..
She says to the son, "Get up its time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."
Have you seen this new movie?
Heard this one from my 10 year old cousin.
Him: "Have you seen the new movie about constipation yet?"
Me: "No..."
Him: "It hasn't come out yet. But people are pushing for its release!"
Seven year old brother hit me with this one
Him: How do people look at the internet?
Me: How?
Him: With their google-y eyes
I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.
"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"
You mean 9 months.
"Ken is 24 months!"
Deborah, he's 2.
"My baby is -26 weeks old!"
No, Karen, you miscarried.
Pedophiles
2 in 3 people live next to a pedohpile.
I don't.
I live next to 2 smoking hot 8-year olds.
My 8 year old son wrote this...
What do you call the ghost of a chicken that haunts people in their homes?
A poultry-geist.
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
Americans are getting stronger.
Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks
This joke brought to you by my ten year old son
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
They say 1 in 12 people live next door to a p**...
I don't, I live next door to 2 stunning 12 year olds
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
Slapping Old People
An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible s**...!" He is quiet as he absorbs this newly discovered information. Quietly the old man reaches over and slaps his wife across her face. She says "What was that for?" He said "For knowing the difference!"
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
Why do old people start reading the bible more often?
They are studying for their final exam.
Age old debate.
People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes
And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
My 12 year old daughter just asked why people find the number 69 so funny.
It's quite the position to be in.
Once, a prince..
..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"
The farmer replied, "No, but
.
.
My father used to work in the palace"
P.S.:This is an old Indian joke, I'm doing my best to translate it. Hope I can make some people smile:)
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?
Cramming for the final.
A basic rule of comedy is that if you possess a trait, you can joke about it. Like if you're fat, you can joke about fat people. If you're black, you can joke about black people
So, a 25-year old v**... walks into a bar..
Wife: I'm going to donate all my old clothes to starving people
Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes, isn't starving...
I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous
For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Ps: This sub in a nutshell
I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...
Pulp Fiction
My 6 year old daughter just said to me..
"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"
I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?
There was a man once who was named "Odd"
He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish and put up a blank headstone.
Later when people were passing by his grave, they would look at his blank headstone and say - "Hmmm. Thats Odd".
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
Americans are getting stronger
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.
This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.
A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the car.
"Sir, I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
"I did, Officer! Today I'm taking them to the movies."
A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman
"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.
"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."
The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."
The old lady smiled and nodded. "You're probably right."
Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.
But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.
