old people Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious old people puns

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

👍🏼

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

👍🏼

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

👍🏼

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

👍🏼

They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

👍🏼

Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

👍🏼

Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

👍🏼

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old.

👍🏼

Why are there so many old people in Church?

They're cramming for the final

👍🏼

You can tell monopoly's an old game...

...because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

👍🏼

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

👍🏼

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

👍🏼

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

👍🏼

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

👍🏼

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

👍🏼

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

👍🏼

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

👍🏼

Why do old people start reading the bible more often?

They are studying for their final exam.

👍🏼

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Cramming for finals :)

👍🏼

People say Millennials are entitled...

but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

👍🏼

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

👍🏼

They say 1 in 12 people live next door to a paedophile

I don't, I live next door to 2 stunning 12 year olds

👍🏼

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?

GET OFF MY LAN!

👍🏼

Two immigrants

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"

👍🏼

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She kindly told me that newspapers are old school. Then she said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

👍🏼

I am quite old, so I wasn't shocked today during a
thorough inspection to find that I had a gray pubic
hair.

The other people on the elevator seemed pretty surprised, though.

👍🏼

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Yes, I know this is a 30+ year old joke, but hope it gave some people a chuckle

👍🏼

Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

👍🏼

At least people that have hit rock bottom are disciplining their pet rocks

This joke brought to you by my ten year old son

👍🏼

Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"

He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

👍🏼

How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

👍🏼

His Girlfriend just broke up with him.

After a long day at work he comes home to find more bad news. He walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a backpack.

He asks "Honey I had a bad day at work please don't leave me"

She replies "You don't think I would have found out would you? People are telling me that you're a sick pedophile"

He angrily replies "OHHHH Big word coming from a 12 year old"

edit **thanks ctechastronomy

👍🏼

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"

The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

👍🏼

What's the difference between a bus stop filled with old people and a crab with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

👍🏼

Four old ladies were sitting together...

The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"

The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"

The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"

The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Old People jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Old People? Well, here are the best Old People dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Old People pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes