old man Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious old man puns

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.


They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!

The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.

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Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

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A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."

The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."

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So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

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DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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So there was a stork carrying an old man..

..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

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An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

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A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

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Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replies:
"Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"

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After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

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At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

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A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.

(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

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A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

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Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

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Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

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An old man is pulled over...

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

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Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinner."

The man replies "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.

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A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.


The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand and right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife &
daughter tried the same way..but could not open
the damn bottle.

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A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away

This was a grave mistake

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Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

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A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!

This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

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What do you call a man that as sex with his 9 year old wife?

The holiest Prophet of Islam.

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What are the most funny Old Man jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Old Man? Well, here are the best Old Man dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Old Man pick up lines to share with friends.

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