Old Man Golf Jokes

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have s**... with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has s**... with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his c**....
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
*

A young man paired up with an older gentleman at the local golf course...

Over the course of the round the older gentleman and younger gentleman traded stories of past rounds, good shots and poor shots, and overall had a grand old time. While the Old man prepared his drive on the 14th tee box, he witnessed a f**... procession going past the golf course. Very quietly he stopped, hung his head and said a quiet prayer. The Young Man stood astonished at what he witnessed and asked the Old Man "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed, may I ask why you did what you did?"
To which the Old Man responded, "Well we were married for 40 years"

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning...

...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine.
At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes.
Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. "Mind if I play ahead?", the man asks.
"Sure thing, buddy! Lord knows how long we'll be here.", Bill yells back.
The man hits the ball over their heads and into the rough.
Laughing and amongst themselves, they meander through the woods to find his ball being held by a squirrel. The squirrel runs up a tree, but is then swooped up by an owl. The owl takes flight over a water hazard and drops the squirrel, still holding the ball. The bearded man joins them and they walk towards the edge of the water. As they approach the water's edge, an alligator leaps out thrashes his head towards the group, spitting out the squirrel holding the golf ball. The squirrel rolls down green and into the hole, only to emerge without the ball and scurry away back into the woods. The three men run over to find the golf ball resting at the bottom of the hole.
"Jesus Christ!", John yells out.
The man nods.
"Yup."

Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a f**... procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.
The other old man is amazed at his friend's reverence for the deceased. "That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I've ever seen from you." he says.
"Well I figure it's the least I could do. After all, we *were* married for 42 years"

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.
The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."
The old man snorts with laughter and says, "Hah! A young guy like you? When I was your age I could clear that tree with a 4 iron."
The kid, not wanting to be outdone by this old man, grabs a 3 iron to be safe and takes a whack. THUNK, it hits the tree and bounces back towards him, and the old man laughs at him.
He tries again with a 3 wood and again THUNK, the ball smacks the trunk and rolls back. The old pensioner is now doubled over laughing at this kid's efforts.
Furious at being humiliated, the college kid tries one last time with his new driver and again THUNK the ball is no where near clearing the tree. He turns to the old man and says "Gee mister, you must have been a long hitter when you were younger to clear that tree with a 4 iron."
"Well son," says the old man smiling, "when I was your age that tree was a young sapling only 10 ft tall"

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :
They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.
Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.
Tom: I want a billion dollars!
Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??
Genie: Done. Done.
Tom : And what is your wish genie?
Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.
Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??
The genie took the wife upstairs and slept with her for two hours.
After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?
Wife answers: 35.
Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie stories

Three men playing golf

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf.
First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie.
Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle.
The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one.
At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.
The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.
The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".
"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing

and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."

A man and his wife are playing golf . . .

on an old country course. The man shanks a drive on the back nine and his ball ends up next to a barn. He gets the bright idea to open both the barn doors and hit through rather than hitting around.
He whacks the ball and it flies into the barn. It then hits a beam and ricochets back out, hitting his wife in the head and killing her instantly.
A year or so later he's playing the same course with a couple of buddies. On the same hole, he shanks his drive again and ends up right next to the barn.
They go over to look at his ball and one of his buddies suggests that he open the barn doors to hit through.
"No way, not on your life!" the guy screams.
"Why on earth not?" the buddy asks.
"I hit that exact same shot about a year ago . . .," his voice quivered and his eyes started to mist, "and, and, and, I ended up with an 8 on this hole."

So an old buddy of mine went to prison...

He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"

Cheating Golfers

An old married couple were golfing one day. On the first hole, the husband stopped mid-swing and broke down. "I can't take it any more, I have to tell you! 20 years ago, just before we were married, I cheated on you with your best friend Sally!" His wife said, "Oh, why even bring that up- it was so long ago. I forgive you sweetheart". The husband was relieved, and they continued the game. On the 18th hole, his wife stopped her s**... mid-swing as well, and broke down. She said, "I have something to confess as well. 25 years ago, before we were married, I had gender reassignment surgery. I was born a man." Her husband throws a tantrum, and is carrying on all over the tee box when he yells out, "This whole time, FOR ALL THESE YEARS???! You were playing from the Ladies tees?!?!"

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the water trap but still lands in the water. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it lands in the water a fish jumps out of the water and catches the ball in his mouth, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws, then the eagle flies over the green and is hit by a sudden bolt lightning and the eagle drops the fish.
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of his mouth and rolls in for a hole in one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we won't bring you next time!"

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."
"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.
The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" he asked.
"Where did what go?"

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends

And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"

Three old men

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

There were three old men playing golf...

and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons.
The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche."
The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach."
The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say it, but at first I was very disappointed with my son because he came out as gay. Recently, he has made some very good boyfriends though: one gave him a brand new Porsche, and the other gave him a house with a private beach!"

Jesus, Moses and an Old man are playing golf.

Moses is up first, and after whacking the ball, it falls into a lake. He parts the waters, hits the ball again onto the green.
Then, Jesus has his go, the ball soars at the same lake but this time it floats, so he walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
Then the old man steps up. He hits towards the lake but before it hits the water, a trout jumps up and grabs the ball. Before it drops back to the lake an eagle swoops down and catches the trout. - flying over the green and squeezing the trout, making it drop the ball into the hole.
At this point Jesus turns around and says: "Dad, stop messing around we're trying to play golf"

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It's a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.
Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses's.
The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle grabs the ball in his mouth spits it on to the green and a duck kicks it near the hole and a gust of wind puts the ball in the hole.
The old man starts walk toward the next hole like nothing happened when Moses says to Jesus angrily Jesus, I'm done golfing with your dad!

A married couple go golfing every year for their anniversary.

During their 50th anniversary outing, the husband says, "Honey, I love you very much but I have to be honest with you. Early in our marriage I had an affair. It was strictly s**..., and it ended quickly."
His wife smiles and forgives him, but after a couple holes says, "Since we're confessing old transgressions, I should tell you that before we were married... I was a man."
The husband pauses, then becomes furious. He throws his hat to the ground, turns beat red and paces around. Finally he says, "You mean to tell me I've let you tee off from the women's tee all these years for nothing!"