Old Jewish Jokes
91 old jewish jokes and hilarious old jewish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old jewish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Old Jewish Short Jokes
Short old jewish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old jewish humour may include short jewish people jokes also.
- my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses - A gay woman, a working class white guy, an old Jewish lady, a disabled man and a young black lady all walk into a bar. What a wonderful example of a well-integrated community.
- A Jewish father and son were fleeing from Germany to America After a while, the kid asks "Dad, are we there yet?", and the old man answers "Quiet and keep swimming!"
- Why did the old Jewish couple stay unhappily married for 50 years? Divorce proceedings cost money
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Old Jewish One Liners
Which old jewish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old jewish? I can suggest the ones about jewish rabbi and hasidic jew.
- The Jewish people decided that they had to return to their old form of monarchy.
- Yesterday I found an old people's Jewish dating website It's called ash tray dating
- What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife? Ruthless
- Two old Jewish women are sitting together, minding their own business.
Laughter Old Jewish Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about old jewish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jewish women jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old jewish pranks.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old.
I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old.
I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...
An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck a**...-first in the toilet.
"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"
After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.
"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."
"But Motti, look at me, I'm b**...-n**..., I can't have him see me like this!"
Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's c**..., thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:
"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"
"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."
Jewish ad campaign
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old Jewish men
Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.
"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Desperately trying to recall this joke
Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.
Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Old Ladies
There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"
She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, "What's that?"
"Oh? You don't know? It's a c**...!" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says,
"And where can I get this c**...?"
"Just over at the drugstore, easy."
Later that day, the second old lady walks into the nearest pharmacy, goes up to the teller, and asks for a c**.... The teller is a young man who is quite bemused at this bent old lady coming in to buy a c**..., so he decides to y**... her chain a bit.
"And what size c**... would you like?"
"Oh, I dunno, big enough for a camel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Assisted Living
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".
"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"
"And me, I haven't had s**... for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"
A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...
He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."
The doctor says "What is it?"
He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"
The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."
The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"
"A hearing specialist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jew at Confession
One day, a Jewish shoemaker walked in to a Catholic Confession and sat down. The priest asked, "Son, what sin has brought you here?" The Jewish man told the priest the story of how a beautiful nineteen year old woman had walked into his shoe shop. They struck up a conversation and ended up having s**... for hours. At the end of the Jewish man's story, the priest, curious, asked the man, "Wait, aren't you Jewish?" The man affirmed the priest's question with a brief yes. The priest, confused at this point, asks the Jew what he is doing confessing to a Catholic priest. The Jew responds quickly, "I'm not confessing! I'm telling everyone I see!"
The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel
Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."
An Arab and a Jew
There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….
Two old men on a bench
An old korean man and an old jewish man are sitting on a bench.
Suddenly the jewish elderly slaps the korean and says "that's for pearl harbour"
The korean replies "I've got nothing to do with that, it was the japanese, and I'm korean"
To which the jewish replies "well, japanese, chinese, korean, you're all the same to me."
Hearing that, the korean slaps the jewish, saying "that's for the titanic"
"I've got nothing to do with that, it was an iceberg"
"well, iceberg, rosenberg, all the same to me"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A german man 3 years after the war went into the Church...
...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest
"Father, I have a confession"
"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.
"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says
"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."
"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have s**..., twice on a sunday."
"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."
"Oh, and one more thing Father."
"Yes, you can tell me."
"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The post about the Auschwitz survivors reminded me about this. An old jewish man...
An old Jewish man played the lottery every day, and finally after a lifetime of buying tickets, he wins big. The very first thing he bought was a giant golden statue of Adolf h**... and put it on display in his front lawn.
Of course, the man became a local celebrity. He just won the lottery and everyone was coming by his house to congratulate him. A local news reporter stopped by and asked the old man, "Sir, congratulations on winning so much money! But I have to ask... What's with the giant statue of h**... on your front lawn?
The old man smiles... he rolls up his sleeve, reveals his forearm and says "Well... he DID give me the winning numbers.
(Yeah, I see you cringing)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To clear your conscience
In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish g**... the run from the n**.... She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the n**... until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.
Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the n**...."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have s**... with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the n**...."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Arab wandering through the Sahara
finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.
"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."
"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"
"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you vile Arab!"
So the Arab thinks and says,
"I know what I *really* want, more than anything. And it is to be wanted—nay!—*needed* by beautiful young women all the world over!"
And *p**...!* the Jewish genie turns him into a t**.... The lesson here is that when you do business with a Jewish genie, there is going to be a string attached.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...
An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.
While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie.
He whispers to his eldest daughter:
"Sarah, my time has almost come. Would you mind doing me one last favor?"
Sarah replies: "Of course, Abba. What do you want?"
"I want you to go into the other room and get me one last slice of your mother's delicious apple pie"
So Sarah runs off to get a slice of the pie.
She comes back a few minutes later and says "mom says it's for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90 year old man goes to confession...
... and in the confessional, he says.. "father, I have committed a great sin, I have cheated on my wife of 60 years with a 22 year old woman" The priest thinks for a moment, and replies with, "well then, this is indeed a great sin, you need to pray to the heavenly father for forgiveness. Say 500 hail marys and deposit $100 in the donation box." The man said, but father, I'm Jewish. The priest replies, "well, why are you here telling me this." The man replies, "I just had s**... with a 22 year old, I'm telling everyone I know!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A old man goes into confession
"Father, all my life I've been faithful, but last night, I met two beautiful blonde 21-year-old girls and I slept with them, twice each!"
"Well, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Oh, never Father, I'm Jewish!"
"Well, why are you telling me then??"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!!"
An Arab sheikh is dying
... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion.
Couple of years later, the same story happens. The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.
"But last time you gave me a car and a mansion"
"Well, last time I had no Jewish blood flowing in me".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is always asking for money
Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.
"My wife is always asking for money." says o**.... "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."
"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.
"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
he can't because he is Jewish
a man saw a priest and said: 'Father i have sinned!' the priest asked what the mans sin was. the man said: 'i'm 86 yrs old and i had s**... with a 26 yr old girl!' the priest told the man to go home and say 6 hail Mary's. the man says he can't because he is Jewish. the priest asks: 'so why are you telling me?' the man says: 'I'm telling everyone!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CNN reporter
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."
A short collection of jokes....
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: homework!!!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder..
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
Boy:say me
Girl:me
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: there's no d in me
Boy: not yet there isnt :)
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasnt the correct answer
Enjoy and post some funny ones i can havea laugh at...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
A black Jewish guy
A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."
An old Jewish couple is going to bed
The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!
A man walks into a Jewish bar
And asks the old bartender to pour him a drink.
The old bartender pours it and the man asks:
" Haim, why is it that you never fill up the drinks?"
" That's because I'm old and can't see that well anymore."
" Okay, but why is it that you never pour too much then?"
" Well I'm not blind, am I ?"
For those who get Jewish humor...
A kindergarden class is asked to do some drawing. The teacher approaches a 5-year-old girl in the class and asks her what she's drawing.
"I'm drawing God," she says.
The teacher smiles. "But no one knows what God looks like."
"They will in 5 minutes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old, old man goes into a confessional.
He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all s**... all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"
Adultery
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The worst Jewish joke ever...
An old Jewish guy comes up to and old Jewish lady and says... "So what's your number?"...
An old man confesses a sin
An old man entered a confessional one morning and immediately informed the priest on duty that he was 87 years old.
"I was completely faithful to my wife for 64 years, until last night," he told the priest, "I was propositioned by two college girls and I took them up on it."
"We did it twice," he added proudly.
"I understand," the priest replied, "How long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
My grandpa told me this one!
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
Old Jewish joke.
A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.
Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.
The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.
The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
"Yes..." replied the villagers.
"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."
"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.
"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the old Jewish woman afraid her chauffeur got her pregnant?
Because they schlepped together.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday
His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.
At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,
"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa s**... tonight!" To which he replied,
"I'll have the soup"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man goes to confession..
An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the n**... in return for s**... favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...
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Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner
So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.
"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David for driving me to the Circle-K to buy the ticket.
"Lastly, I'd like to thank Adolph h**...."
The silence was sudden and complete; you could hear a pin drop.
Finally a reporter raises a shaky hand and asks, "D-did you j-just say you w-wanted to thank H-h**...?"
"Yes, of course," Saul replies.
"Whatever for?"
Rolling his sleeve up, Saul points to the inside of his forearm. "For the NUMBERS!"
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An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
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Jewish Joke
Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone has to die I would rather it be one of them".
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Old Jewish man goes to confession
And he says, Father, I am 90 years old and Jewish, never been to confession before but I have to get something off my chest. I have been married to my lovely wife for 72 beautiful years, but last night I had a t**... with two blonde twin sister cheerleaders. The priest says, I commend you for coming to confession, but I have to ask first since you are Jewish, why are you telling a Catholic Priest. The old Jewish man says, I am not just telling you Father, I am telling everyone!
An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".
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[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...
It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then h**....
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why h**...?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An elderly man walks into a confessional.
Man: I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had s**... with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I asked an old Jewish friend of mine about inviting n**...'s to my wedding.
He said "with the n**...'s, the fuhrer the better"
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An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
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An old Jew is sitting on a park bench
reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"
Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."
Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"
Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."
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Two old Jewish guys are sitting in a restaurant...
one says: "The food here is terrible!"
the other says: "I know! And such small portions!"
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An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".
The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."
"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a b**... and then we have s**... for an hour."
The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"
Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."
Two Jewish men sit down at a deli they always visit
They order their meals, receive them, and start eating. After a few minutes the chef looks over and they are disgruntled. He goes over and asks them, So gentlemen, what did we get right this time?
Paraphrased from a joke told to me by my old Jewish professor.
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The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
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h**... walks up to a Jewish kid and asks him: how old are you? to which the kid answers almost 8 , so h**... says ahh optimistic!
An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...
...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi
She says to him, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"
Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the n**... and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."
"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."
"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."
"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my side."
"I'm beginning to think your a bit of a jinx!"
An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."
Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"
The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."
So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a booming voice coming out of nowhere.
"How am I supposed to help?" God says, irritated. "My son converted to Christianity too!"
An old man goes to confession.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."
The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.
"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.
The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
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An old Jewish joke. Original is in Yiddish.
A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting on a bench in front of church. They have bowls in front of them to collect money and as the parishioners exit the church they leave some change and bills for the Priest and give the Rabbi dirty looks.
After some time one of the parishioners takes pity on the Rabbi and walks up to him and says "Rabbi, I think you may be at the wrong venue. This is a church so the people here will only give money to the priest".
Upon hearing this the rabbi then turns to the priest sitting next to him and says "Moish, this guy's trying to tell us how to do business".
What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
Forgive me if this is a repost, but this is an old Jewish joke that my father loved to tell and I don't think I've seen it here before
So two old Jewish men are sitting shooting the breeze, and one says he has a riddle for the other.
"What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?"
The second man thinks long and hard and finally admits that he is stumped, and asks for the answer, to which the first man replies "A herring"
"But, a herring isn't green"
"So, you paint it green"
"And a herring doesn't hang on the wall"
"So, you hang it on the wall"
"A herring does not whistle"
"...ehh, two out of three ain't bad"
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A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish
Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single
living with his parents,
working in his father's business,
his mother thought he was gods gift
Give it up oh course he was Jewish
- Robin Williams obm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)
h**... goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.
"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"
The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Offended h**... glares at her. "How can you say this? You haven't consulted your crystal ball or even done anything. You didn't even think about it!"
The fortune teller looks deep into Hitlers eyes and tells him:
"Any day in which you die will be a Jewish holiday"
A Rabbi and a Priest are found asking for money outside of a Church.
The Rabbi was wearing old, tattered clothes; the Priest was wearing nice, elegant clothing. Everyone was giving the priest money and the Rabbi didn't get any money. After a few hours, a young Jewish man walks by and says to the Rabbi, "Why are you asking for money in front of a Church? Nobody will give you any money, especially when you're wearing that kind of clothing!" The Rabbi goes up to the priest and says, "Look at this guy telling us how to run our business!"
