Old Irish Jokes
31 old irish jokes and hilarious old irish puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old irish that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Old Irish Short Jokes
Short old irish jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old irish humour may include short irish people jokes also.
- A mugger approaches an Irish man He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age." - How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a bulb? Three
One to change the bulb, and two to sing about how good the old one was. - Grampa O'Malley A little boy asks Grandpa O'Malley, "Can I have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"
"Here," says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead." - How do you know Jesus Christ was Irish? He was an unemployed 33 year old carpenter who still lived with his parents
- What do you call a hundred old timey Irish railroad workers falling down a hill? A navvy lanch
- 10 yr old brother put a twist on this joke I saw awhile back. Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans? Because one more would be one-f**... bowl of chili!
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Old Irish One Liners
Which old irish one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old irish? I can suggest the ones about quick irish and irish man.
- I like my women how I like my whiskey Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
- Screened Saw for my 5-yr-old... ... Irish Setter.
- According to an old Irish saying... Summer is the best day of the year
- What do you call a 10 ten old Irish boy who doesn't go to church? A v**...
Howlingly Hilarious Old Irish Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about old irish you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean irish catholic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old irish pranks.
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.
Grieving in Ireland
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. s**... is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'
An old Irish woman is n**... starting at herself in the mirror
Her husband walks in and asks what in the h**... are you doing?
I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.
Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish a**...?
You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.
(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)
It was raining hard...
...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
'Poor old fool,' thought the gentleman. So he invited him into the pub for a drink.
Just to start a conversation while they sipped their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And so how many have you caught?'
"You're the eighth."
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.
He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.
So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."
Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"
and the man says to the bartender, "Guinness"
A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper
...so he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...
A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk
The Old Fisherman
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth."
My grandpa told me this one!
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
The Irish Nun and warm milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Another Irish Joke
Two men are sitting at a bar in New York. Bartender walks up and says "What will ya have?" At the same time the two men say "A pint of Guinness." They look at each other and one says "You look familiar, are you from Ireland?" The man replies "Yes, Yes I am, from Dublin actually." The other man replies "Me too! What town!?"
The man says "I'm from Belcamp." The other man replies "Me too! What street?"
Man replies "Clonshaugh Road." The other man again replies "I grew up on Clonshaugh Road!"
So the two men carry on drinking and laughing and talking about the old country for a few hours and then go on their way. The evening manager eventually shows up and sees the bar empty. He asks the bartender if it has been slow. The bartender replies "We haven't had any customers yet except for the O'Brien twins."
The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
Warm Milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
An old one my late grandmother used to tell
In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."