JokoJokes

Old Guy Jokes

118 old guy jokes and hilarious old guy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old guy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Old Guy Short Jokes

Short old guy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old guy humour may include short old man jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
  2. I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
  3. Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
  4. You guys wanna hear a construction joke? ..... hold on I'm working on it.
    (Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)
  5. Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
  6. Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
    Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"
  7. A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
  8. Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in He never stood a chance against 5 of us
  9. Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches? He said it was a waist of time.
    (as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
  10. Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Share These Old Guy Jokes With Friends




Old Guy One Liners

Which old guy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old guy? I can suggest the ones about old people and old couple.

  1. Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now. That ship has sailed.
  2. Old romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank? You shoot the guy pushing it.
  3. Did you hear about the guy who traded his car for an old cellphone? Now he's got Nokia
  4. What's up? Some movie about an old guy and balloons.
  5. I'm 20 years old and I still haven't had my period yet... I love being a guy
  6. A guy bought himself a new boomerang... ... but he couldn't get rid of the old one.
  7. Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite? He was a Baby Boomer!
  8. What do you call a guy who's 19 years old forever? Constantine
  9. Your Mom is sooooo old... Guys used to run a wagon on her.
  10. Asked an old guy at the bar: "what's the best beer here?" He said: "the third one"
  11. How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam? Don't worry, he'll tell you.
  12. I was catching up with an old friend. When I thought, "This guy is faster than he looks."
  13. What do you call 500 old white guys chasing a black man with clubs? The PGA tour.
  14. Did you guys hear about the old TV series "The Year"? It only had four seasons.
  15. Your momma's so old... ...her hair and makeup guy is a mortician.

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Old Guy Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about old guy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old folks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old guy pranks.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
‟It is simple billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age
‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you're? A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
‟85 years old

WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID s**...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

o**... goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"

(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said o**....
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.

What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has s**... with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking

The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day"
"Oh yeah? And what happened?"
"I banged for two hours!"
"Two hours?! At your age?!"
"Yeah, and those w**... still wouldn't let me in"

An old guy goes to the doctor

The doctor examines him and says: "Well my friend, you have cancer and alzheimer's disease.
The old guy says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park

One says, "Windy today."
Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."
The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."

Four old guys go golfing...

And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

A man walks into a bar...

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have s**... with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have s**..., so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.
The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked out of the truck stop.
"Huh" snorted the first biker. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"Nope" replied their server. "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed up and crushed 3 motorcycles with his rig."

A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having s**... 3 times a week.
The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.
The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say how happy he is.
The doctor finally says, "If everything with you is fine, then why are you telling me about having so much s**...?"
The guy says, "Telling you? I'm telling everybody!"

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a n**... beach.


A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.
Then the g**... flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, Why don't you play the flute instead of the bongos?

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.

How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

What's the best part of having s**... with a t**...?

Reaching around and imaging you are poking through
Old guy at work told me that hahaha

I found a poor old guy unconscious by the side of a road

At least I think he was poor because I only found 3$ on him

Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them

o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...

One says to the other "Lost the other half?"
"Yup" he replies.
"Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?"
"She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt".
"Good. We'll look for yours first".

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.
He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.
When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me."
Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was.
"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," he replied.
"Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."

Old man says to old woman, I bet you can't guess how old I am.

She responds, I bet I can. Unzip your pants
The guy is shocked but plays along. The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, You're 83!
The old guy is astonished and says, I am 83! How did you know?
The old lady says, You told me yesterday.

A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That's i**... and a thousand dollar fine when we get to shore!' So the old guy pulls out another stick of dynamite, lights it and hands it to the warden saying..

'You want to just talk all day or are you going to start fishing?'

A woman noticed an old guy had his zipper down.

She pointed it out to him and he said "did ya see that tall soldier in there standing at full attention?"
She said, "No, but I saw an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

So it's an old man's 99th birthday...

...and his caretakers decide to hire a p**... for him. So they find one who's into old guys and set it all up. She bursts into the old man's room, all s**... up and looking great. She walks up to him and seductively says: "Tonight, I'm going to give you some SUPER s**...."
The old man looks at her and says, feebly: "... I'll take the soup!"

Did you hear about that old guy down the street? Apparently he likes his women how he likes his wine.

12 years old and in his basement

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!

So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.
He said, F**k off.
I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?
I said, He told me to f**k off.
Oh no, said my wife, Now we'll never know.

I met a old guy, he's been married 60 years. I asked how did you do it ...

He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.

Old guy with his personal trainer

Old Guy in the gym with a personal trainer: What machine do I use to get the hot girls?
Trainer: The ATM in the lobby!

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?
A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."
^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad s**... to kill them.

Two elderly couples get together to play bridge every week.

The ladies are in the kitchen making snacks and the old guys are talking. One says to the other "we went to see a movie last week and it was excellent but I can't remember the name of it. I thinks it's uhhh... what's the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorns?" His friend answers "a rose?"
"That's it! HEY ROSE! what was the name of that movie we saw last week?"

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

Alzheimers..

This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".

Honeymoon Sandwich

I work in customer service and yesterday an old guy called just to share a joke with me and make me smile.
What's a honeymoon sandwich?
Lettuce alone with no dressing!

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a h**... of a lot faster when they are mad.
*True story from a couple years ago*

Three old guys are out walking...

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly.

Grandpa picked up a spoon and looked at it oddly, fearing it was a sign of Alzheimer's disease I asked him what he was holding in his hand. He snapped back "Of course I know it's a spoon, but who is that old guy in the reflection? "

Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow b**... until they turn 40.
(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

I made up a dance about an old guy and a kid going on an adventure and asked everyone to name the movie it's based on.

Someone just guessed it. The j**... is Up.

A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.

The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.
After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .
Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.

The Greatest Old Guy Joke of all Time

There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a resaurant with his wife, she said,"What is a suppository doing in your ear." The old man says,"Oh! now I know where my hearing aids are!"

Three really old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.

My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.
Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!
Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench

...passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead?" asked the first man.
"Well..." explained the second man, "the s**... is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Two old guys are having a chat in a nursing home, when a n**... old woman with a walker crosses very slowly in front of them

First guy says, "Elmer - what the h**... was that?"
Second guy says, "Joe - I have no idea, but it certainly needed ironing!"

I just don't understand why these 16 year old guys can't show up for work on time...

Based on my other experiences with them I assumed they'd always come early.

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.
Aww, that's nothing, says Irv. I can remember this nice, dark room, and then being squeezed something terrible, and coming out into this big bright room and being spanked—it was awful.
I got you two beat by a mile, says Fred. I remember going to a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother.

Made in China

Two old guys sitting in a park, says the one:
"Look, i got a new hearing aid, very cheap becaus it's made in China"
The other says:
"Amazing, how much did you pay?"
"Yesterday...",

65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day

What does a 80 year old women taste like?
Depends..

Two older couple…

Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now she's threatening to jump out the window." The manager replied "I am so sorry to hear that, but normally we don't get involve in domestic situations." The old man replied "look a**... I don't need your help ok I just want you to send the maintenance guy up here to open the d**... window already."

I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

There was this lady in a retirement home. In her day she was very attractive and had men falling all over her. One day she felt particularly r**..., and decided to get a man...

She stripped down n**..., did her make up and hair and walked around the retirement home.
She saw 2 old guys sitting on a bench, and walked by repeating Super s**..., Super s**..., Super s**....
After she left the one old guy said to the other, "I'd rather have the Soup"

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.

But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:
'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '
'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'
That's three agains two now.
You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.

There was a 25 year old guy walking on a tightrope...

... Across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a b**... from a 70 year old woman. BUT at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.
Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

An old guy walks into a biker bar...

... And sits down next to the leader of the gang.
"Your mom is pretty hot, you know?".
The biker chief sips his beer, sighs...
"Just go home, dad.".

Lucky

An old guy, Sam isn't feeling too good so he goes to the doctor. After the exam, the doctor comes back and says, Unfortunately, Sam, I have bad news and worse news.
Oh dear , says Sam. Well, give me the worse news first.
Well , says the doc, you only have about 6 hours to live.
Oh no! , says Sam. This is awful!
I know. , says the doctor. I'm sorry. And you also have advanced Alzheimer's.
Well , says Sam. At least I'm not gonna die!

A couple of old guys sat at the bar...

Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"
They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.
Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."
A few minutes later, he says "Now I can bend it with one finger!"
Another few sips and he says "George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?"

Just experienced my first mugging

After living in D.C. for over a year, I just experienced my first mugging.
Got $80 off the old guy.

A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....

Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."

I had the worst deal today

I didnt get any candy from the old guy. I don't rember the rest.

I made the best on the spot Dad joke today

I was talking with a customer today, and she was telling me that she was on her way to work. She said she was a live in residential manager or something, but basically she takes care of an old guy. She was telling me she works third shift hours, so she gets paid to sleep.
That's when I told her she's literally got her dream job. *ba dun tss*

I heard this one from a crotchety old guy at Dunks yesterday

What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?
Bernadette!

Two old guys sitting on a park bench...

Beautiful day, sitting there quietly when suddenly...
"It's nice out."
Other guy looks over...
"Yeah well, better put it away before we're arrested."

What's the difference between a k**... guy and a pervert?

"The k**... guy uses the feather but the pervert uses the whole chicken"
As told to me by the old guy who sat next to me on the plane

There's a competitive gaming team called the Silver Snipers, consisting of old guys between 62-81 years old. So, are they any good?

Depends.

Two old guys are sitting on a porch

1st guy: It's nice out eh?
2nd guy: Is it? I think I'll take mine out then

What do you call an empty cheese w**... jar?

Cheese Was!
some old guy came up to me on the street and told me this one.

What does a fish say when he hits concrete?

Dam!
A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down.
One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really,” says the first guy.
“Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”

I helped an old guy cross the road today

I carried his walking frame. Talk about ungrateful.

jokes about old guy