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Old Grandma Jokes

84 old grandma jokes and hilarious old grandma puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old grandma that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Old Grandma Short Jokes

Short old grandma jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old grandma humour may include short old granny jokes also.

  1. My grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.
  2. Old people love My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
  3. My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car. She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!
  4. (Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?" "Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"
  5. My grandma got a hip replacement My new grandma is a 24 year old barista and an aspiring artist.
  6. That way.... 10 years ago my English wasn't very good.When an old friend of mine called me one day and said: My grandma just passed away, I asked him : Which way ?
  7. They say you shrink when you get older My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but i think it had something to do with diabetes.
  8. If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with... the window open?
    From my 88 year old grandma
  9. They say you shrink when you get older. My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but I think that was more so due to the gangrene.
  10. An old lady started talking to me on the subway: "Hello,..." Me: "Sorry, I have a grandma."

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Old Grandma One Liners

Which old grandma one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old grandma? I can suggest the ones about grandma and old lady.

  1. My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food It's an old gag
  2. What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma
  3. What did grandma say to the old fountain? You aged well!
  4. What does eating out a 80 year old grandma taste like? Depends..
  5. What do you call a blind old lady that always corrects your sentences? A grandma not see
  6. What do you call your thirty-bleven-year-old grandma? NaN
  7. Q: Who is the saddest grandma in the world?
    A: Grandma of a vegan.
  8. Your morbidly obese old grandma fell down a well.
  9. What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae
  10. What do you call a 45 year old woman who believes in abstinence only s**...-ed? Grandma!

Ridiculous Old Grandma Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about old grandma you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old mom jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old grandma pranks.

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card.

"Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in s**...."

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about s**.

... He asks how often you should have it.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, s**... tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have o**... s**... now." "What's o**... s**...?" The young fellow asks.
"Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card.

"Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in s**...."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.


The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.
Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out.


The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn’t find his way home.
” Oy Morris “, said grandma, ” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years !
So how could you get lost ?
” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear.
Morris whispered, ” I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have s**....
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have o**... s**... now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

”Hey grandma, did you see my pills? They write l**.

.. on the box outside!”
”Screw the pills, didn’t you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.


She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.
One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"

In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.
However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Peculiar Contest

A frenchman, an american, and an arab [NOTE: this isn't racist, you can just paste any nationality whatsoever. However, the joke works best with these three] walk into a bar and come up with a contest to see who's better.
The contest rules: you must kill a bear and have s**... with an old lady in the shortest possible time.
The frenchman walks in, and he's very good with women because he's french and all, takes 2hr to bang the grandma. But, he s**... at hunting because he's never seen a bear before and needs 6hrs to kill the bear. 8hrs.
The american is the opposite, because he's all christian and has moral obligation, while he's really good at hunting because there are lots of bears in his country. 8hrs also.
The arab walks in where the bear is, and stays in there for 7hrs. We hear grunts and loud noises. Finally, he emerges all bruised up and scarred, and proudly says: "So, where is that old lady I have to kill?"

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his t**... for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.
Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Tata daddy

One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

Wrong queue !

This girl was a p**..., but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and s**...'em dry."

Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.
The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom b**... her boyfriend."

My grandma told my 25 year old cousin that she has finally gotten used to his beard...

He agreed. "Yeah, it has really grown on me."

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having s**... with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''
He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

A young boy wakes up on his 12th birthday.

He then decides to figure out who knows how old he is. First, he comes to his dad and asks:
- Hey dad, it's my birthday today! Do you know how old am I? Dad replies.
- I don't remember son, maybe 14?
-No dad, I'm 12!
After that he decides to ask his grandma, because she is old and probably doesn't know a thing.
- Hey grandma, it's my birthday! Do you know how old am I?
- I can figure it out, - she says, and then proceeds to put her hand inside boy's underwear. She starts to squeeze and roll his t**... around and after about 5 minutes she says:
- You're 12.
The boy amazed by grandma's technique asks how did she figure it out.
- I've heard you and dad talk.

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Wisdom of Granny

Little Johnny Was 9 Years Old And Was Staying With His Grandmother For A Few Days..
He'd Been Playing Outside With The Other Kids,
When He Came Into The House And Asked Her
Grandma, What's That Called When Two People Sleep In The Same Bedroom And One Is On Top Of The Other?
She Was A Little Taken Aback, But She Decided To Tell Him The Truth.
Well, Dear, It's Called s**... i**....
Oh Little John Said: Ok And Went Back Outside To Play With The Other Kids.
A Few Minutes Later He Came Back In And Said Angrily,
Grandma, It Isn't Called s**... i**.... It's Called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom Wants To Talk To You

Two old ladies at a bus stop

2 old women at a bus stop smoking. It starts to rain. Grandma 1 puts a c**... over her cigarette. Grandma 2 asks "why'd you do that". Grandma 1 explains it's so the cigarette stays dry.
Next day grandma 2 goes to a pharmacy and asks the nice young gentleman behind the counter for some condoms. "What size" he asks.
"Oh any" the grandma replies "as long as it fits over a camel"

Helping Grandpa

I was working on a Natural Gas pipe in the kitchen when my two granddaughters
came up to see what was going on. The Three year old sat in my lap and her four
year old sister sat on the floor across from us. They marveled as I gave a fine turn
on the gas valve with a large pipe wrench.
As I opened the valve, I explained to the girls I needed to purge the gas line of any
air . They squinted and shyed away from the noise and blast as the gas blew past us.
Grandma looked over the counter and asked Are you girls helping Grandpa?
After a course of yes the three year old explained Grandpa pulled on the pipe and
now it stinks. It smells just like Grandpa when you pull his finger.

One of my grandpa's best Jokes

A young boy is on vacation in the Sahara desert with his family.
As they are gazing out across the sand, they notice a man walking around... carrying a car door.
"Hey! Why are you carrying that car door around in the desert?" asked the young boy.
The man looked over the family, wiped the sweat off his brow, and said;
"Well, when it gets hot I can put the window down."
...
My grandpa tells a lot of jokes like this, I will try to remember all of them and submit them here. He is 89 years old and still hand-turns the soil in his garden each year, he also built a large wooden trellis for his tomato plants. His jokes are starting to "grow whiskers" as my grandma says.

What is it when people sleep on top of each other?

Little Katy asked grandma 'what is it when people sleep on top of each other'
Grandma thinking Katy was old enough explained to her the birds and the bees.
Katy ran off but came back quickly saying:
"Grandma, mommy wants to see you right now and she is really mad! She said it is called bunk beds"
:)

Grandma, how old are you?

"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.
He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"
"Six" she said.
"And the second?"
Grandma sighed. "Seven."
"And the third?"

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called s**... i**... , darling.
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called s**... i**... . It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

A very old couple is getting ready for bed

The man goes to the bathroom. His wife asks him: "What are you doing?". He replied: "Brushing my teeth". She asks him: "Can you please brush mine too?"
Sorry grandma!!

"Grandpa what are you doing?"

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Old couple is sitting on the front porch

Old couple is sitting on the front porch. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fall on the porch breaking the lens in it.*
Grandpa seems more offended than angry and ask grandma:
*\- Why did you do this?*
grandma replies:
*\- Because throughout the 50 years of our marriage s**... with you was awful!*
Grandpa picks up the newspaper from the ground, fumbles with his lens. After about a minute, *grandpa gets off the bench walks to grandma and kicks out the rocking chair of grandma.* Grandma falls into the flowerbed, sweeps the dirt from her hair and asks grandpa:
*\- Are you out of your mind old f**...? What did you this for?*
grandpa replies:
*\- How do you know what good s**... is?!*

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.
I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.
She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".
It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

Dating in the old days

Back when my Grandpa was courtin' (dating) my Grandma in the rural mountains of North Carolina he picked her up for their first date in his horse-drawn buggy. As they were traveling down the bumpy dirt roads his bowels began to rumble and he was struggling to keep from breaking wind. About halfway to his parent's house a storm started to blow in so he decided the next time he saw lightning he would time it and let it rip during the thunder. This worked perfectly and Grandma never knew. Soon he felt the urge again and he waited for the lightning and timed it perfectly. Wanting to make casual conversation he said to Grandma, We had better hurry, that one sounded close . Grandma said Yes, it smells like it struck a s**... .

Poor Grandma

I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

My grandma still doesn't need glasses...

My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.

An old woman is lying on her deathbed when her youngest granddaughter, holding back tears, says to her: "I love you, Grandma."

The old woman replies:
Oh yeah? Name 3 of my albums.

We were having a family dinner when my grandma started telling one of her old holocaust survival stories

I said, "Stop it, grandma, this is not germane right now."

A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.

From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other.
Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard.
When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him".
The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him".
The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him".
While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".

We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns

It's assistered living

Grandpa's death

After grandpa's death i went grandma's house to comfort her. I asked her how did that happen.
Grandma: " He died from a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Shocked, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
Grandma:" Oh no my dear. Realizing our advanced age we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the perfect rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the d**...."
She paused, wiped away a tear amd then continued, " And if that d**... ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd be still alive today!"

My 2.5 year old's joke

**Grandma to kids:** Are you Jack? Are you Harry?
**Kids**: nooooo (laughter)
**Grandma to 2.5 year old grandson**: Are you Mo?
**Grandson**: I mow the lawn!

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."

A guy is about to get married...

One day he asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have s**.... His grandfather tells him, When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Then later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have s**... maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow asks, How about you and Grandma? His grandfather replies, Oh, we just have o**... s**... now.
She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells "F*c**... you!" and I holler back "F*c**... you too!"

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. It's terrific, he says. I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.

My old Southern grandma always tells me not to owe anyone when I die

In her syrupy South Cackalackee accent she states, "There's no good kinds of die arrears"

Doctor, i want to die.

An old lady visits her usual Doctor. And says " Doc, I've had a long hard life. I'm sick and tired of being constantly sick and tired. I just want to end all my suffering. So, I thought I would ask you where the best place to shoot myself would be. That would be quick and painless." To which the Doctor replies, at first with condolences. When he finlay finds that she is inconsolable. He relents and says that he would never recommend anyone shoot themselves, but the best place to do it would be exactly 3 inches below the left breast.
The next day a young man runs into the office and exclaims "DOCTOR, YOU HAVE TO HELP MY GRANDMA JUST SHOT HERSELF IN THE KNEE!"

An old grandma brings a bus driver

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to s**... the chocolate around them."

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).
I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.
All submissions are greatly appreciated (and any tips for connecting remotely with someone who has dementia and is unable to work any technology). Thank you in advance!

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

3 boys were having a debate who had the healthiest grandma

Boy 1: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!
Boy 2: No I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!
Boy 3: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital...
Boy 1 and 2 looking confused
Boy 1: If she's so healthy why is she in the hospital?
Boy 3: Cause she's giving birth right now!

The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woman to put her finger up my b**...?"
He passed away this morning. I love you grandpa.

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?
The boy replied I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

I wanna get married!

So a four year old says to his dad, "I want to get married dad". His dad, obviously a little bemused, chuckles and asks his son, "who do you want to marry?" His son responds, "to grandma." His dad chuckles a little and responds, "that's a little tricky. Why do you want to marry Grandma?" The son replies, "she always calls me handsome and tells me in her husband and it makes me happy, so I want to marry her." His dad responds to this saying, "well grandma is my mum so I don't know about that." The son says to his dad, "well you're married to my mum so I should be able to marry your mum."

jokes about old grandma