Old Goat Jokes

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.
When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment. The minister asked their son what they were having for dinner.
"Goat" the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "This morning, I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We should have the old goat for dinner tonight.'"

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.
"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."
So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes running up behind them, about 20 miles per hour, and dives into the hole.
A farmer comes along and asks the hunters if they've seen a goat. One responds "We're so sorry, we saw your goat run up behind us and he dove into this hole."
The farmer responds "That's impossible, I had him chained to an anvil."

Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.

Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Impossible, she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, You've knocked me up, you r**... old goat!
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, And to whom am I speaking?

2 h**... walking through a field.

2 h**... are walking through a field when they come across an old well. They start talking to each other asking how deep the well is. One of the h**... grabs a nearby shopping cart and tosses it down the well. While they are listening for a splash a billy goat comes charging right at them, they jump out of the way and the goat runs and jumps right down the well. A little while later a farmer comes walking by asking if either of them have seen the goat. The h**... says "you're not gonna believe this, That goat your looking for came charging right at us then jumped down this well." Then the farmer says "That's impossible. I had it chained up to a shopping cart."

Inferiority Complex

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.
Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.
"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"
"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"
And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"
"But ya screw one goat..."

Two hunters and a hole

Two guys are hunting, o**... says "Whoa, big hole. How deep is that?"
Other guy says "Let's throw something in the hole and see."
They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole.
"Becky? Becky!!" Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops near the two hunters and asks them "You guys seen a goat?"
"Yes, we did! A goat ran by us about 80 miles an hour down into that hole!"
"That's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him chained to an anvil."
(Have heard versions in the past, this one is told by Jay Leno on his recent Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee episode, S03E03.)

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Jokes to offend Abrahamic religions

* JESUS SAVES! HE PASSES TO GRETZKY, GRETZKY SHOOTS, GRETZKY SCORES!
* How was copper wire invented?
Two jews found the same penny
* What did the jew do when he heard clouds had silver linings?
Got his pilot's license
* Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands
* Why did Mohammad marry a nine year old?
The goat was engaged
* Why do showers have 11 holes?
Because jews have ten fingers
* Why do jews have big noses?
Because air is free

Kids Today

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Probably my favorite joke ever.

Two guys are walking through the woods when they stumble upon an old abandoned mine shaft so deep that they can't see the bottom. Intrigued, one of them throws a rock into it to see how deep it is. After listening for quite a while, they never hear it hit the bottom. The other one grabs a bigger rock and hefts it down. They still don't hear it hit bottom. Now they are really curious how deep it is. After a minute of searching, one of them finds a huge railroad tie and signals for his buddy to come help. It takes a bit of work, but they wrestle it to the edge of the hole and push it over. Out of nowhere, a goat comes running right between them, jumping into the mineshaft!
Amazed at what just happened, they start walking away when a park ranger walks up and asks them if they have seen a goat anywhere.
"Yeah, one just ran right between us and jumped into that old mineshaft over there!"
"No, that couldn't be my goat," said the ranger, "mine was tied to a railroad tie."

(I s**... at jokes) It only Takes 1

An older Irishman is sitting at a Rural bar looking depressed. A regular at the bar notices, and asks the old-timer what's the trouble?
[Old-Timer] See that road over there?
[Regular] Aye
[Old-Timer] I built that road. Carried the stones and put them in place my own sweat and blood. Do they call me Patrick the Road layer??? No...
And the Bridge down that road... I built that bridge... Did anyone help me, no... Do they call me Patrick the Bridge-Builder?!
No...
(Now getting Irate)
And the Church! I Labored for years and lost a finger to build the house of god. Do they call me Patrick the Church Builder!
NO...
But you F**K one goat.....

The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to r**... everywhere else...)*
Two Tennessee r**... are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland.

On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
And they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me…" says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts.

Before the show, she asks the audience: "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had s**... with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.
So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh…it was great! Never had any like it before!"
and she asked "Really? So the ghost was good?"
and the old man said "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"