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Old Folks Jokes

48 old folks jokes and hilarious old folks puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old folks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Old Folks Short Jokes

Short old folks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old folks humour may include short old people jokes also.

  1. Mortal Kombat Did you know mortal kombat is based on an old nordic folk song?
    Well it's technically a Finnish hymn
  2. Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door Dad: Great! Give him Granny!
  3. I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam. Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving.
  4. What do you call cattle that don't have courage? Cowards.
    Thanks folks, I wrote this when I was 7 years old!
  5. How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a bulb? Three
    One to change the bulb, and two to sing about how good the old one was.
  6. In the old days, folks used to say "tisk, tisk" to shame others Now social media connects us to millions, and allows us to multi-tisk.
  7. Old folks use to poke me at weddings and say your next so... I started doing it back to them...at funerals. 😉
  8. Bunch of mainly old rich white folks gathered in a big fancy room guarded by armed guards to discuss about coloured people So how was Oscars y'all?
  9. Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and alzheimers... They are being put at the side of their beds to remind the old folks to put their shoes on when they get up...
  10. Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse? Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

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Old Folks One Liners

Which old folks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old folks? I can suggest the ones about older people and old couple.

  1. How do you protect your valuables from an accordionist? Hide them in an old folk song.
  2. What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
  3. What does the lunch line at the old folks home smell like? Depends.
  4. What do you call a 5 year old's knees? Kidneys!
    Ha! I'll be here all week folks.
  5. What's everyone's favorite genre of music at the old folk's home? Death metal.
  6. What do you call a staircase with no railing in an old folks home? A stairway to heaven.
  7. What you call a r**... old folk Incestors
  8. What is 20m long and smells like u**...? A conga line in an old folks home.
  9. What's the best part of publicly m**... at the old folks home? The strokes

Comedy Old Folks Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about old folks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean older persons jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old folks pranks.

Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

An old man is running through the halls of an old-folks home wearing a cape

and yelling "Super s**...! Super s**...!"
An old lady pokes her head out of her room and says,
"I'll have the soup."

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One for all of us country folks

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the c**..., then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

At the State Fair....

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word. They tierra and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Saw a joke about an elderly couple who were getting a divorce, reminded me of this old gem.

The elder couple are in divorce court. Everything is basically going as per usual except both of the soon to be divorcees are well into their nineties. After seeing all the paperwork, the judge ask, "Now folks, help me understand this. You've been married for over 70 years! Why are you getting a divorce?"
"Well, you honor", says the man, "we've actually wanted this for a long time. But we decided to stay together for the children."
"You stayed together all these years for you children?"
"That's right," said the soon to be ex-wife "and the last one just died!"

Yuppie buys a house in the country

A Yuppie decides to buy a plot of land in the countryside and build a house. Unfortunately, his neighbor is an old farmer who likes to spread his cows' manure on his fields every time the Yuppie throws a backyard cookout.
So one day the Yuppie sees the farmer and lets him know that he's going to have one of his cookouts the coming Sunday, and asks the farmer if he could delay his spraying until the next day.
The farmer thinks about it for a second, and then replies
"Yup, I can certainly see how you city folks might be bothered by the smell of cow manure. But did it ever occur to you how my cows felt about the smell of your bar-b-que?

Musician Jokes

Q: how do you get a guitarist off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza
Q: how many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Q:what did the drummer get on his I.Q test?
A: saliva.

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A. Because he couldn't lie.
Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A. Presidentures!
Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?
A. Really, really, really old!
Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Donald Trump visits and old folks' home...

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.
"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.
She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

It's old man Jenkin's 94th birthday at the old folks home

He asked a member of staff "young woman, how old are you?"
The woman replied "why, I'm 24"
Old man Jenkins says "do you know how many times 94 can go into 24?"
The woman says "I have no idea"
Jenkins whispers in her ear "meet me after scrabble practice and we can find out"

Smells like u**...

What is 40ft long and smells like u**...?
A line dance at an old folks home.

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, that's him, he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

One day I was playing...

I was about seven years old—and I saw the cellar door open just a crack. Now my folks had always warned me: Emo, whatever you do, don't go near the cellar door. But I had to see what was on the other side if it killed me, so I went to the cellar door, pushed it open and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things—things I had never seen before— like ... trees, grass, flowers, the sun—that was nice!

Old folks home

Three old fellas are seated on the front porch of their old folks home. The first one says " I like this place but the only problem I have is I can't pee first thing in the morning. " The second guy says I like our place too It's really really nice but I can't p**... first thing in the morning. " The third guy says about 6:00 every morning I pee like a racehorse. And then about 8:00 in the morning I c**... so good it would amaze you. Only problem I have is I don't wake up till 9:00.

A poem for you guys

I call it p**... at an Old Folks Home.
Rose's are red
Violet's are blue
Beatrice's are green

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and s**... n**.... Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim why did you see that? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don't know, but it sure needed ironed

A 90 year old man gets married...

A 90 year old man gets married to a 20 year old. He goes to the doctor to make sure that he is physically fit enough for relations.
The doctor then says, "You know how young folks can get lonely without someone of their own age to talk to, why don't you get a young border to... keep her company?"
The 90 year old man thinks this is an excellent idea. Later the doctor meets up with him and asks, "How is your wife?"
The old man says, "Great she is pregnant."
The doctor then says, "And how is your young border?"
The old man replies, "Just as great, she is pregnant too!"

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

jokes about old folks